Ashley Madison

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Ashley Madison
9
Thu, 11-12-2009 - 9:08am

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: hurtin4now
Thu, 11-12-2009 - 2:19pm

Hi there Hurtin--

I mostly lurk, but this really resonated to me. I'm sorry your first venture on AM didn't work out. I met my AP on AM and my H on match.com. I'm not sure how you met your XH or dated in the past, but I think that the most important thing to realize is that online dating of any kind is almost purely a numbers game. The electronic nature just changes the dynamic. Since you aren't meeting this person through friends, work or at some local haunt, it's easy to "slip away" if you get the guilts, or just don't feel it, or get busy or whatever. There isn't a common contact point that forces some sort of closure or explanation.

And at this stage of the game, when you've had some emails and lunch, it's just disappointing and most likely not really a conscious manipulation of your heart, head and feelings. And I found that fly-bys like that happen a lot more on AM than I remember them happening on regular dating sites (back in the day, lol).

The thing to remember is that dating is a blast, getting to know new people is always fun, whether it works out or not and if you go into it with the intention of just seeing what happens, then you put yourself through much less angst and can just roll with it.

If your intention is to go out and find someone (as opposed to falling for someone you come across in life) then you have sooo much more power to approach it lightheartedly and just enjoy the journey!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: hurtin4now
Thu, 11-12-2009 - 3:05pm

hurtin..
You deleted your message so I don't know what your post is about. However I've been on AM for a few months, feel free to email me if you have questions.

cas

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
In reply to: hurtin4now
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 4:34pm

Yes, I'd like to hear about others experiences with AM. I understand why men would go on there by why would women? What's in it for us? I don't have trouble getting men attracted to me - it's like I have a radar or something, lol.

Just my 02

--jana

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: hurtin4now
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 6:33pm

Oh, I don't think it was a matter of finding someone to be attracted to me...in my case it was purely a matter of safety and efficiency. Once I came to terms with the fact that things weren't ever going to get better physically with my husband and that an affair was going to be the next course of action, AM seemed like the most expedient and discrete way to accomplish that.

I had very clear ideas of what I was and was not looking for, however the reality is that I frequently work 10+ hours a day, plus the time I spend doing things at home, the gym and with friends. It's not like I can really troll the bars and produce sections, you know? Plus I wanted to be very, very certain that there was absolutely no overlap between any potential AP's and any aspect of H's life. AM gave me a way to pre-screen potential partners and move forward from there.

And as luck would have it, I've found a great AP that I have a lot in common with, that I care about and really enjoy. We have a common outlook regarding our relationship and it's been really great.

I would say though, that it worked for me because this was a choice I made to fill a specific void in my primary relationship. If that weren't my motivation, I doubt AM would have been as appealing a solution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: hurtin4now
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 6:51pm

Oh...I don't have a problem attracting men either. But I don't want to get involved at work or myneighborhood. I don't go to bars and when I'm out with my girlfriends, I don't want them to know that I'm flirting with men. So AM was a perfect solution for me..I know what I want from an affair so I make sure my partner shares the same views. I'll admit that the first 2 partners I had weren't exactly what i was looking for...but I think that would be same if I met them in real life. I'm currently with a great partner, similar age and outlook in life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: hurtin4now
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 7:25pm

Thanks for starting this thread, even if the OP deleted her post.

I am sorely tempted to go to AM, but am reluctant. I am a MW in a sexless M. I am looking to, for lack of a better term, enhance my life, not to change it. There is a huge void in my life b/c of my celibacy. DH is aware of the situation.

What is the best course of action to take on AM? I'm a neophyte when it comes to online dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
In reply to: hurtin4now
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 8:35pm

I would say that i don't have a problem attracting men, but I have two rules.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: hurtin4now
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 9:02pm

Scarletb:

A pal I correspond with told me that about AM - the flood of emails. She said there are far more men on there than women, hence the huge interest. TMK she didn't hook up with anybody from AM, but had EMRs with two separate MMs. She too is a MW.

I'd LIKE to live by your two rules - the first one is easy - the second one - ah - you know how that goes. You're saying the kind(er) version than I hear - "Don't **** where you eat" Sadly, I've ****ed where I ate.

Thank you for your advice re: having somebody know where I am when and if I "hook up" with a potential partner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
In reply to: hurtin4now
Sat, 11-14-2009 - 12:35pm

Good question.. and some good answers here too.. I have some experience, so let me make some points..


There are parts of meeting someone at AM that is the same in terms of the workings of an A, will it be P or E, can either/both people really handle the stresses of an A, and so on.