Need to end it

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Need to end it
26
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 6:53am

I'm so mad and hurt today. I'm about 99% sure my BF/AP is lying about flying home to visit his family over Thanksgiving. Lying because he's at home with his FWB/whatever she is.

Why do I think he's lying?: First, I was debating whether I should go home for the holidays and he was very encouraging of that. Next, was the wishy-washy-ness of him even going home. Then, there is him telling me he's leaving at a certain time/date. Two days later he tells me he's leaving a different date. I question that and he claims he called to have his ticket changed. I don't think so. I didn't see any e-mail confirmation in his account of a booked flight, which seems very odd. Next, I was looking at his phone bills and there have been no calls to his family in the last week, which seems odd before you go on a trip. Personally, I'd call at least once to assure them everything was a go/let them know I was on the way/let them know I had arrived...especially if I had to change my flights! Then, there was the hour long phone call to his mom today. That makes no sense if he is already there spending the day with her.

He told me before he "left" that he was going to call me Thanksgiving day. He didn't call. Instead I get a couple of somewhat cold texts (no pet names, nothing sweet). Then tonite, I ask if he will call me. It takes him 20 minutes to reply to that text (long time when we had just been exchanging a few right in a row). Guessing he had to come up with an excuse. He said he would TRY to call me, but his phone was almost dead. He finally texts me again 3 hours after that telling me he's going to bed because he has to get up early. Yeah, ok. I try calling him right back and his phone is off/goes directly to voice mail. I'm guessing that was no accident. He knew I was going to try to call and probably couldn't talk because he's with the FWB, live in girlfriend, whatever the hell.

Also, Thursday is this girls day off. There is always some excuse he can't do something on Thursday nites. He doesn't know I've figured this out, but there's definitely a pattern that has evolved.

I am so mad! I don't have any further "proof" of if he went or not, but what evidence I have or lack thereof, pretty much says to me he's not visiting his family like he claimed. I can't wait to hear what he says when I ask him questions about his trip. Also, his sister is coming out here in 2 weeks. He told me prior to this that he wants me to meet her. Guessing that will be interesting because if I meet her and god forbid she says something about him not visiting in months/years, or I mention something about them having a good visit recently...the cat is out of the bag. M.F'er!

I really need to end this, but its so hard. So hard. I have had him as part of my life for over a year and its a big change. Change is scary, but I'm sure will be for the better. I remember when I was in the process of separating/divorcing my H after being together 10 years...that was painful too even though I resented him and more. I had found that comfort that comes with certainty, even if that certainty sucked. Ha.

This guy could be totally amazing if not for the double life he is leading. I need to face the fact that I'm not good enough for him and there likely isn't any ONE female out there that will be. It will probably always be this 2 at a time crap. He admitted to me long ago that he cheated on his wife (he's been D 9 years or so). That should have probably told me something, but I tried giving the benefit of the doubt and hoped that the idea that people can change applied.

I should be mad as all hell right now and just leave him at the airport tomorrow, looking to find his own way home. (Yes, he actually asked me to pick him up from the airport, but said he would be waiting outside for me in the "passenger pickup" area. I'm sure that is because his FWB will be dropping him off there, not because he's actually flying in). Instead of being that mad/spiteful I'm just feeling more sad than anything. I hope the anger phase sets back in hardcore, so I can just be mad and not sad and end it and move on.

I don't know what to do/how to end it. Someone replied to caribu who is dealing with a similar crappy situation right now, that she owes the guy no explanation and should just end it. That's tempting, but just not how I generally operate (maybe it should be). Maybe it would be better to tell him I don't trust him and for that reason alone, its over. Maybe I should say we need to take a break and can be friends (the sex is really, really good...lol). Maybe I want to be really awful and let the FWB in on things (if she isn't already suspicious/aware) and show up at their place returning a box of his stuff when she is home/he is not. Maybe I should pull the "where is this going?" card and tell him I can't wait anymore for him to get his life together and I need to date other people. Maybe, maybe, maybe. *sigh*

I seriously just want to sit here and cry tonite, but I'm trying not to let myself have a total pity party. I keep thinking about ending it, and then that feeling the next morning when you wake up after a nite of drinking and/or crying your eyes out. That feeling/day is absolutely the worst. I need to move on because he likely is never going to be available. How do I let go?




Edited 11/27/2009 6:57 am ET by torn_apart_goddess

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 9:26am

Hi torn,


I'm feeling like you today. I cried my eyes out yesterday and tried to pull it together so me and my family could at least enjoy ourselves. It was hard but I managed to make it through.


Ap called me yesterday to wish me a happy thanksgiving. I was pretty non-chalant with him. I was planning on breaking things off on Wed. but I didnt talk to him. I was angry enough and ready to be done with it but I didnt get the chance. So that just gave me time to sit and think and wonder if I was really ready and that sucked. I know I deserve better, this is just so difficult.


I wonder if part of his actions are

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 9:35am

From what you have written about the way he is, then I would say just a simple it is over and you are moving on. I do understand wanting to give an explanation because I am like that myself, but I am not sure what I would do if I were in your situation.

It does not seem that you are the one who is not good enough for him, but that he is the one who is lacking.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 11:33am

Hi torn,

The way you described his Thanksgiving, I can tell you the guy acting like he is totally married - he was able to sneak a few texts, but couldn't call. If he were with his family, it's not that hard to excuse yourself and make a phone call to a woman who's supposedly his girlfriend (you).

>>This guy could be totally amazing if not for the double life he is leading. - Torn, there is nothing amazing about this guy. Look what he does. What's so amazing in all those cold calculation of how to play two women? All straight-faced lies? At least you suspect his playing dirty - but his LIGF has no idea about your existence, I absolutely guarantee you.

>>I need to face the fact that I'm not good enough for him and there likely isn't any ONE female out there that will be. - No, you don't need to face that fact, because it's not a fact and it's not about you at all. It's about him, his own insecurities, his need to feed his ego, his desire to feel smart and sleek by fooling and manipulating everyone around him.

>>I tried giving the benefit of the doubt and hoped that the idea that people can change applied. - He will change only when he feel a need for a change, and it may never happen, and you may waste years of your life waiting. You know from his history that he is dishonest and can't be faithful.

I think I was the one who said caribu she owes no explanation to her guy. I will repeat it for you - yes, you can just break it off without any explanation. It is absolutely useless trying to confront such a skilled liar. He'll lie his way out of it and will make you look like a complete fool. But honestly, just like caribu, you know already everything you need to know about this man. Just say you can't do it anymore, and this is it.

Love and hugs,

Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 8:10pm

Hey caribu,

I think you need to stop making excuses for his bad behavior. He cheats not because you did/said something - he cheats because he's insecure liar and cheater and it has nothing to do with you.
You need to stop "fixing" him, helping him out and being there for him more than anyone from his family. When you're acting like his mother, it's actually a turn off for men.
Someone on EAS offered you to close down his email - since you have his password, you'd be able to do just that. He is so incapacitated, he'd be stuck with texts/phone calls to OOW - and sooner or later his wife will find out, that's how all cheaters are caught nowadays.

And also you need to ask yourself why do you think so low of yourself that are ready to be other woman to the other woman. So what that you love him? There are 6 billions of people on this planet, half of them are men. Don't you think out of 3 billions you won't find ONE who'd actually be worthy of your love?

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 1:18am

Oh.My.God

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 1:27am

I have to add to my original post:


Don't believe you'll meet his sister.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 1:35am

I Caribu, I'm so sorry honey! But please don't think its your fault.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 1:52am

I want to send fwb/ligf an email that will at least cause her to raise an eyebrow or create a situation where she is curious enough and decides to check out his whereabouts (he tells her he's out of town when in reality he's with me/working in town). I want to do it, not to be "mean" (ok maybe a liitke) but I think she needs to b aware. It's not an effort to win him or make her feel bad. If anything it's to make things for him difficult and make her aware of who/what she's dealing with.

I need to send that soon. I'll do it anonymously and choose the words carefully. What have I really got to lose? Heh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 10:43am

I wouldn't contact her because at this point you know the answer already. But if you still have doubts or second guessing yourself or want to get to the point of no return - then yes.

If you will decide to contact her, don't make it about HIM. It should be about YOU. Be calm, act mature and courteous, remember that this woman is as much wronged by him as you (at least you know about her, and I'm sure she doesn't know about you). Tell her you've been seeing him for however long it's been was going on, and tell her everything he told you about her, and simply ask her if this is true or not. Is she really just a roommate or FBW, or they are in committed relationship or maybe even married. The rest should be easy. You really have absolutely nothing to lose at this point, but you have to be prepared to take yourself out of their lives completely and let them deal with the fall out all by themselves.

But still your best decision would be just to cut him off and forget all about him. He is not worthy of your time and emotions.

Hugs,
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 3:50pm

You have to be absolutely prepared to end things with AP if you tell her.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

Pages