Different Types of A
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 11-30-2009 - 8:44pm |
Before I begin, disclaimer I am not attempting to cause conflict/ or put forward value judgments regarding the various ways we choose to live our lives, but there is something I wanted to comment on after reading posts here and on EAS.
Several times I have seen Single OW comment on how they don't know how Married OW do it, in regards to have two families on the line as opposed to one. What's struck me as odd is that as a married OW with a married AP I often find myself going "I don't know how the single OW do it?" Yet I know that we all have reasons, circumstances, and choices which both brought us to these places and cause us to remain in relationships (or not stay when its time to move on).
Since I can't speak for anyone's circumstance but my own; just thought I'd address the "hows" for me. (Probably pissing off lurking BS's in the process). In relation to negotiating the two families, any guilt or anxiety I have I keep in relation to my H. AP's W and kids are his responsibility. I know it takes two to tango, but he's made his choice to also be with me; and the consequences for his family are his and the consequences for my M are mine. I know that's not entirely the reality, but it is how I choose to look at it b/c no, I don't want to think about AP's W and kiddos.
One thing that I do think is easier when both AP's are M is understanding when making contact is difficult. There are times I do wait for the txt or phone call like everyone else; but I know it can be difficult. There are times on my end where my real life interferes and I can't return his text or phone calls too. Knowing it happens on my end too, makes it easier to give him the benefit of the doubt when the phone doesn't buzz.
That's my 2 cents. Of course there is a lot more in any R dynamic; but I just thought it was really interesting how while on one hand we're all in this together (MAS being a safe place to talk) and yet it can still be challenging to comprehend how others do it (make it work). Has anyone else noticed this? Or care to comment on different styles A relationships?
Thanks for listening.
KpBaby

Great post! For myself, started out in my affair as a long time married woman and am now single and my lover is married. I look back at my time married involved in an affair and I am just so glad
I did not get caught!
I love being able to go where I want when I want, and that includes spending lots of time with my guy out and about. It has been very freeing for me. We have had overnights, quality time alone and also shared many many days and nights out with our mutual friends. And we do not live that close by.
As far as his wife -Like you, I feel he has made his choices which are a result of his home dynamics and that is for him to worry about. I always implore him to be careful and have no expectations. I don't expect contact when he is home-period. If it happens that is a bonus.
Yes there are times when I feel not so much lonely as much as feeling our time apart could be better spent together...but in reality that is not meant to be and I just enjoy him so much and want him in my life as my dearest friend and lover.
I would not want to married in an Affair. I am glad I am free of my H.
I agree about the AP's W. Yes it is his responsibility and he needs to deal with that on his own. I don't think a lot of people actually say that out loud tho. People will say "what about his wife?" What about her? Why do I have to take that on?? Isn't he responsible for his actions too?
I think some MW/MM involved in an A have it a lil easier at times b/c they have distractions when the A goes thru the rollercoaster of emotions/events. I agree about the contact issue also. I don't have that problem myself but can see that as an issue. A lot of it is common sense to me. I know not to contact AP during after school time or dinner time.
AP and I talk all day and night on and off 7 days a week. It works for us. I do know that I don't talk about his W..I told him that is off limits. Some things have been brought up and that answers some questions in my mind but I really don't like talking about her. I don't want to know anything about their M. Ive noticed some people on here know
Thanks for your replies ladies I've enjoyed reading your comments.
nevermoreuk you mentioned having the ability to have AP over to your house and included in other parts of your life now that you are single. Sometimes I am envious of that possibility Single women have, but I am in a long distance affair, so aside from being easier to coordinate trips to see AP I probably wouldn't get to see him much more often.
I'm with you Darkndestined in that I don't want to know about his sex life with W. The thing is, being married I know that most married people have sex. Perhaps not often or with great passion; but unless things are really bad sex occurs. But I don't want to know about it. And since I only see AP a couple of times a year; I'm pretty sure his days with me aren't the only instances he's "finding satisfaction". I know personally I can't wait that long. ;)
And while personal details can't help coming up (or being inferred) sometimes through conversation, but like you my AP and I try to keep our spouses out of it. I don't want to really know about W. I'm sure she's not a devil, I don't want to demonize her; but neither do I want to care about her. She's his concern not mine. And I try not to talk about H with AP (especially negatively). He's not a bad guy and I plan to stay married, but well... I want AP too (I think this makes me a female cake-eater. He enriches my life and I want him in it, but AP is never going to be my life.
(Re-reading this I feel that it sounds like I'm together and in control, but I also know I'm not. I get insecure and freak-out and ride the highs and lows of affairland like everyone else, but at the end of the day in my heart of hearts this is what I "think". Feelings can sometimes be a whole other can of worms.)
Thanks again
kpbaby80
I have been reading your comments in other thread lilolita and sorry to see about all the conflicts mini d-day has thrown into your relationship. That makes it hard when you care a lot about the person, but currently aren't getting your personal needs met.
It is refreshing to hear someone else say that while they care deeply about AP, they recognize he isn't their soul mate. My AP is great but he is not my future (at least as a SO). My AP and I have been together 7 years and I'd like for it to continue. Perhaps it helps that we have LDA so we have limited access to each other's worlds, and less chances for discovery (at least physically being caught together).