New here Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
New here Advice?
10
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 4:44pm
Ok so i dont know all the abbreviations so i appologize in advance. My marriage has been dead for a while now. We still live together but only because of our child. I have met someone else and have been seeing her a couple of times a week for the past 2 months. Everything is going great except for when i try to see where me and the other woman are going. She keeps saying she doesnt want to be a homewrecker. If i wasnt married it would be different so i tell her fine we can just be friends. Yet whenever we see eachother it turns into more than friends, we cant keep our hand off each other. Hanging out keeps getting us in trouble cause people know im married and people from her work hang at the same bar we do. So shes even getting questioned about us at her work now. She says it doesnt bother her too much and weve decided to start hanging somewhere where no one will know us. My problem here is i cant get her to tell me anything about how she feels. So just keeps saying she doesnt wanna be a homewrecker. Then in the next breath shes talkin about us hanging out at her place and movies and popcorn lol and even askin if i can stay out all nite so we can wake up next to each other. Is it just me or is she giving me huge mixed messages. She also says she doesnt wanna be the rebound girl, and wonders if i just think the grass is greener on the other side. And i keep telling her thats not the case at all. It honestly is. Im genuinely into this woman and im kinda fallin for her. I just need to figure out how to explain things so she would feel more comfortable. Ive even offered to just end things if thats what she wants but she says thats the last thing she wants!! Someone anyone please help me!! Im just a guy who wants to be happy and i dont know what to do in this situation

Tommorow is a dream that may never come true

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 5:46pm

Are you my AP? lol


Well, to me (maybe because I'm a female) it doesn't seem like she's sending mixed singles.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 6:02pm
i do agree about not staying married for my child. But the problems go bigger than that. Where would my W live where would my child go?Im the only money maker for the family so its complicated. And as for the AP??? told ya im not good with the abbreviations.lol. We already got into it several times. Like i said she just..i dunno she told me she has a hard time opening up to people, and trusting people. And while i can understand and sympathize with that. Things with us are never gonna go anywhere until she can start to do that. And the longer we talk the more she starts to open up but then the next day its back to

Tommorow is a dream that may never come true

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 7:42pm

I think she is sending mixed signals. She really shouldn't act on emotion and say stuff to you when she is on a happy high. I also don't think you should stay married b/c of your child. I understand its tough if your W is a SAHM...I get that.


I don't like opening up to people either...don't trust people at all. Especially married men...no offense lol. She probably thinks why should I open my heart and fall crazy in love with this man that is married and most likely won't get a divorce. All she is doing is protecting herself b/c a lot of people say they will leave their marriage and they never do. Its all apart of the affair game.


If you like her then just go with the flow and enjoy yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 9:00pm

Looks like you are just starting out.. so, instead of making all these grandiose plans, why don't you just enjoy and cherish what you have.. forget the future for now and see where the two of you will get in the next month, the next season, etc.. for some reason, probably as an escape from what you have at some, you are attempting to build some reality that is not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 9:04pm

I agree with the previous opinions that she wants to be with you but doesnt want the guilt of being the person that broke up your M. In this case you are at a stalemate as i figure you dont want to move out to persue a R with her if she doesnt tell you how she feels.

How serious are you about this woman. Do you feel that she is an interim g/f because you have not the R you want at home? Would you be happy to stay with her long term?

My suggestion would be to set it all down on the line for her. Tell her your intentions and discuss your dilemma about your concerns for your W and your childs future if you were to leave and that you are not going to let them live in the streets if what you have with your AP is not serious. You need to make arrangements regardless of whether you are with this woman or not as things will not get better home. If you want to leave, whether its tomorrow or 6 months from now, you are still going to be in the same boat. Your W needs to get a job or you need to make alternate arrangements to see that they will be financially taken care of with or without you if you are that worried.

I dont know how you can stay in a loveless M just for the sake of kids. I felt dead inside and knew that whatever was out there had to be better than what i was experiencing.

Tell her that you would make the decision to leave based on YOUR own judgement and that she is not going to be the guilty party. I feel that this may be what she needs to hear to let you know what she is thinking and feeling. If this doesnt open her up, I dont see that any amount of cajoling her will make her change her mind and you are probably wasting your time.

Good luck

SB

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 10:29pm
Thank you all for your replies and you all made alot of sense. Howerver in the past few hrs since i posted things just got a whole lot worse!! Someone showed up at my APs job and when they were done eating(shes a waitress) they bitched her out about me and her being together!! my W left 3 days ago and hasnt been home or even letting me talk to my son just cause we were trying a separation type thing. Now my AP is texting me pissed cause of what just happened i am soooo hurt and upset and angry and everything else right now i dont even know what to say or do!!

Tommorow is a dream that may never come true

Tommorow is a dream that may never come true

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 11:18pm

In that case, maybe you should just leave this woman alone for a while, stay by yourself and figure out what it is you want first. If she is getting carried away by being your gf and your W only left 3 days ago, the fun and games have only just begun. It sounds like your STBX is starting to get very vindictive and to bring another woman into the equation while you are starting a messy seperation would be a huge mistake- especially when your W is using your DC as ammo.

Take time out and be alone. Let the new gf come to you IMO. Let her get over her snit and see what happens. There is no time on love and relationships so if its meant to happen, no matter what occurs, if both parties want the same thing, it will happen for you with her.

SB

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 11:46pm

Your wife left three days ago? But you didn't mention that in your original post. Or did I not read it correctly?

Who is this woman that b*tched out your AP? How does she know about the two of you? And how did your wife find out about it?

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Thu, 12-03-2009 - 12:57am
thank you for your advice again. Now the best part i found out was the woman thhat bitched out my AP....my sister...yeah so the drama continues...and now im just kinda screwed Ap won talk to me W is superpissed. just a bad nite all around. And yes you were very right she is vindictive all the time. And she has my whole family on her side. Except for my brother so that makes it all worse. Oh well what can i do? gonna have a beer and go to bed!

Tommorow is a dream that may never come true

Tommorow is a dream that may never come true

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Thu, 12-03-2009 - 9:10am

Sorry to hear you had such a bad night!