Help! Do I go out on a date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Help! Do I go out on a date?
16
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 4:23pm

For those of you following my story, I was hoping to get some advice on whether or not I should go out on a date (a drink, maybe dinner) with a guy I recently met.


If you don't know my story, very briefly, I've been dating a guy for about 13 months now, 9 of those months supposedly seriously/exclusively.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 9:11pm

You sound like you feel nuts right now. I'm sorry. If I were you I would go on the date. But that's only if you feel comfortable going with this particular guy. If he makes you feel uncomfortable and seems needy and weird then I wouldnt go.


I know you feel guilty, but to be honest with you if someone asked me out while I was with XAP I would probably have went. Not for revenge but just so I know for myself that I have other options and that I'm not going to wait around to be happy. AP had a W at home and we didnt talk about not seeing others even though it would seem to be a given. It's just that you may miss out on the chance to be w/ someone who wants to be with you and only you and who wont lie to you, who will do all they can to please you and make you happy.


Now, you dont have to go but its not like you are going to meet him somewhere and have s**. You are going out to enjoy yourself with someone of the opposite sex, have drinks, eat and conversate. Light fun. You deserve to have fun and feel attractive and enjoy yourself with others. You have that right. Your AP does what he wants to do and comes around when he wants. Its time to shake things up, add some spice to your life. Enjoy the company of someone new.


Like I said, if you arent comfortable with this guy dont go. If you do go, make sure you meet him somewhere public and not let him know where you live b/c people are crazy nowadays, I'm sure you know that.


Have fun if you go. If you dont, I'm sure someone else will be asking and I say go for it. Let us know what you decide. Be safe

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2009
Wed, 12-16-2009 - 4:43am
Go on the date.....this guy is available to you...the other one has a girlfriend..yeah, you think its FWB but its his girlfriend
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Wed, 12-16-2009 - 8:51am
Absolutely agree with wtf!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Wed, 12-16-2009 - 9:48am

Hi TAG. Im sorry you are still trying to sort through all this mess. You are doing the best you can with your emotions.

IMO go out with the new guy. Desperation may look bad to you but is that because he is not treating you like cr*p and playing games that you are not interested? I find that when someone is so into you that it shows, the thrill of the mating ritual is off kilter which makes the one being adored want to run. I think its kinda nice that he wants to have drinks and a meal with you so much that he is willing to look like a bit of a fool to get it. That is an ego boost in itself.

I agree with caribu too- you arent going to have a sordid party and sleep with him! Its only dinner. You are putting too much weight on an outing that with anyone else it would be considered "just a bite to eat" Dont be so hard on yourself. You dont know this man and you dont know what his intentions are. He may be the nicest guy that has that feeling in his belly that you were "The One" and is following his instinct. It happens to males too!!!
There is nothing that says you are going to fall in love with him or even like his personality, but to strike out the entire male race from your social scene just because of AP/BF would leave you very lonely. There is also no rules that you cannot make new friends and you are not planning anything past the food, i would not certainly count this as cheating. As i said before, talk to new guy, learn a little about him then go with what you feel. He could be an amazing person that makes AP look like a toad.

It would be nice for you to have a man treat you like a princess for a night with no strings attached. You need a good night out with no thoughts on the current situation you are in so just take it light and have a good time. Two wrongs dont make a right, but AP goes home to this OW and you have no idea what he is doing. You are going out for food with a new friend. How far past that is your desicion. Take it as it comes and enjoy the moment.

SB.

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Wed, 12-16-2009 - 4:11pm

Ok, ladies. I'm going out on the date. Ack! haha

I talked myself into it and in my head I'm not calling it a date, its just dinner and conversation.

caribu, thank you for your words of advice. I really appreciate them and it makes me feel better knowing you would go, too, having been in a similar situation as mine. The ego boost may be good for me. I continue to follow your posts as you update and think about you often. I have been meaning to reply to one and tell you how proud I am of you. I know it is hard being where you are, but I really admire you sticking to your time line and what you felt is right for yourself no matter how hard. I'm very proud of you. My drop-dead dead line with him is coming up in just a couple of weeks. So hopefully going out with someone will help give me just that much more momentum for doing what I need. Not to say that's the reason I'd end it, but it may help nudge me in that direction and ease me into things.

blue, I don't think it's because he's not treating me like crap that I'm not interested. I really was a little weirded out by the texts and urging for a date...to work holiday parties at that. This type of behavior reminds me so much of how my xH was when he first met me and should have been a major red flag as to the type of controlling, possessive, and insecure personality he had. It's a big time turn off. But, like you said there is nothing saying I have to fall in love with the guy.

I am going out tonite and will see how it goes. Hopefully it will at least be an enjoyable experience and good practice if nothing else for future dates with other men (though I don't know how soon/when I will really be ready for that). Thank you all for your encouragement!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Wed, 12-16-2009 - 7:24pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 2:51pm

I went out last nite and went to dinner at a pretty nice restaurant and for a cocktail afterwards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 8:31pm

Hi torn,


I dont see where you have any reason to feel guilty. Maybe things werent the best with this guy, but it was just a nice little outing that you had. At least you got a free meal out the deal. LOL.


I understand why you feel guilty b/c I'm like that but in reality you didnt do anything wrong.


In fact, after going out with him I found myself appreciating certainly qualities in BF/AP more (e.g. confident, talkative, great kisser, lol).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 9:47pm

caribu,


You are always so thoughtful and write so nicely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 11:27pm

Yeah, I think those 4 days will definitely give you so much needed time to yourself and a nice mental break. I'm glad you actually saw the airline tickets this time.lol


What text messages did you find on AP's phone. I dont think you talked to us about that?

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