R dying a slow death?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
R dying a slow death?
3
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 1:29pm

Can't decide how I want to handle things. From my last posts I mentioned that my AP and wife were in MC. Now they have an anniversary trip coming up for 10 days. I knew it was coming, but she had invited 2 other couples to go with. He was pretty OK with that. Obviously, the thought of spending 10 days together alone was not good. BUT! The therapist that they are seeing advised them to cancel the other two couples and they really needed to spend the time alone. Now, it's driving me crazy!!!

I broke down and cried about it few days ago to him and told him how scared, nervous and a little bit jealous I was. (not good) He was pretty cool about it and talked to me about it some but honestly he was not that comforting. He said stuff like, I'm over thinking it...I'm thinking doomsday stuff...and then he said, "well it's going to end sometime." Well duh..we're all going to die some day too!! He said to be brutally honest...he hadn't really given it much thought that I was giving it way more thought than him. It's eating me up. He said if this trip doesn't go well then he would not be sticking around long. Then he would be moving out. I'd be MW and he'd be free to date.

It's not that I'm really all that jealous of her, and I KNOW that if they have sex it be no where near the sex that we have. BUt I really do not know what to wish for and how to handle it in these days leading up to the trip. Having lunch with him tomorrow...do I even bring it up? How do I handle this? What if they go and have an amazing time. Will that be the end of us? I hate the waiting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 1:41pm

Wow. I can feel your anxiety. Therefore, I am going to try to be a voice of reason for you. First of all, I've had an affair, so I'm not judging you in any way. I am simply trying to help but with a different perspective.

I understand how you feel. What I think you should maybe think about is the reality of the situation. He's married. Not only that, YOU'RE married. Therefore, we lose all "right" to what our APs do or don't do. And I have to say, I think it's really pretty sh*tty that your AP is going to MC AND having an affair at the same time. How in the world does he think it's going to work while he has this going on? Why even bother? Because he is lying to the therapist from jump. How? By not bothering to divulge this little detail of an affair. He's wasting everyone's time...the therapist's, his wife's and his own. So I have to ask you what this says about him.

I don't know what your own situation is with your marriage, but the reality is that you, too are married. Therefore, what happens on his vacation with his wife shouldn't make a difference in your world. You'll still be married. With all of this in mind, I think you're just going to have to try to stop fretting about it all. He's married, you're married, and this affair WILL eventually end. Whether that be now or later. Maybe if you can accept this, you will relax and just let things run their course, vacation or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 1:55pm

Although your concerns are certainly valid, try not to let the squirrels run around crazy! Especially the part about him being single and you being married down the road... that's way future, don't let it worry you right now. What do they say - 90% of what we worry about doesn't happen and the other 10% doesn't benefit by us worrying first!

You sort of have to take it a day at a time in an A, unless you have plans for a future together, and then you can outline steps and take them. If there's no future planned, just breathe, slow down your thoughts and take it a day at a time. I wouldn't mention your concerns again when you see him - he knows about them, and he should be trying to calm you without nudging from you. He is right that most women "overthink" things, always worrying about "worst case scenarios". I swear it's because we're the moms. My H could allow my 2 yr. old (many years ago of course) to run at the pool and all I could ever imagine was him slipping in water, hitting his head, falling in, drowning... you get the picture. Someone would try to hand my toddler a cookie for the ride home and all I could imagine was him choking while I was on the highway unable to pull over fast enough to get to him! We're just wired that way.

So try to calm down. I know it isn't easy! We'll try to hold your hand.

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 3:03pm

sillyme and lexi,

I know, I have thought about what kind of person he is and how it's going to work being in MC and still seeing me. Sometimes I feel bad about it. Other times I think not my problem. He is in a situation where he really thinks it is up to her. Her constant mantra has been I don't want this anymore, I feel trapped. Typical mid life crisis stuff. But he says it is miserable to go home because she is never happy. He told me he just wants to get to a point were they are good friends. Like my marriage but right now they just tag team. A big disconnect. That he doesn;t even care about the sex part. He doesn't want too get divorced and leave his kids. Anyway, your right in that I should just chalk it up to he's miserably married, I'm happily married....it will end some time.

We've been together 4 years. When he says it could end anytime it just makes me sick to my stomach. I mean I KNOW the rules here but I worry that he could just end it so easily. That's how that statement sounds, right?

He said he takes things day by day and today we are good. It is so difficult. My best girl-friend/confidant told me to keep it light or else I will ruin things. So you think I shouldn't even lightly bring it up? lol I want to know...will he miss me? Is he excited about the trip? Most importantly, do "we" hinge on the outcome of this trip? Seems like this trip at the time that it is coming is carrying a lot of weight for everyone. It's a big indicator to wether or not he will stay married to her. He feels like it's crunch time. Time to make a decision. I wonder if it really is for me too. While I don't want ANYTHING to change I think is going to anyway. I'm feel like I'm just sitting here waiting to find out if he has any use for me still. I would obviously never put up with that if I in any other R. That would be crazy!

I don't know what to do. He should be trying to make sure I'll tough it out with him, like you said Lexi. He does still call everyday like things are fine and we have plans for tomorrow. Then we both are out of town next week on family vacations and then home for a week and a half. Then they go. Not sure if I even want to see him before he goes...and certainly worried about having sex with him. That is if he even asks. UGH!!!!! I would be thinking..."this is the last time" the whole time. And I certainly wonder if last time was the first time.... kill me now...my head hurts.!!!!