why does he run hot and cold sometimes?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
why does he run hot and cold sometimes?
5
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 12:19am
Hugs to all. I haven't posted in a long time. This board was a lifesaver back in the beginning, but we have been comfortable over the past few years so I haven't had the time (or the resources)to post.
Quick profile, MW with MM, we see each other on average once a week, talk almost everyday. But over the past few months I get "I'll call you tomorrow" and its 3 days later when I hear from him.
The reasons are varied, sometimes it's work, or family, or whatever. But in the past he has had the same situations and has always managed to send an "I miss you" text or an email. some form of communication. Now, lately, days go by and even if I reach out to him there is no response. I am wondering if this is the cowards way of backing out. I get that after 4 plus years the novelty has worn off, that this kind of relationship takes work. I wonder if he's trying to get me upset so that I call it off. He has told me in the past that it was his MO for getting his first wife to leave him. He said "I acted like an ass so that she would leave and she eventually did". So, anyone have this experience? What do I do besides try and talk to him and see if he'll be honest about it--I can let go. After all these years we both know we are not leaving our spouses. It would be painful as hell but if thats what he wants there isn't anything I can do about it. What do you all think?
thanks for reading. big hugs to you all, whether your new at this or an old timer I am glad that your here and hope your love affair brings you joy and happiness the way mine has.
take care,
Fran
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 9:19am

Hi Fran...I'm sort of a newbie, but while trying to end a short A (I'm back in now), read every book, blog, sought counseling, etc. to learn all I could on the dynamics of A's...


You seem to already know the A drill and you're probably right in that a relationship of that age has reached the point where that "new rush" that is so addictive in these types of R's has faded.


While I was trying to figure out the whole hot/cold thing, I found this and it helped me tremendously:


http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-do-men-blow-hot-and-cold/


The whole Baggage Reclaim blog is actually QUITE good... I would certainly recommend it to anyone considering starting an A...at least you can "go in" eyes WIDE open :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 10:14am

Hello hiskimber!

and Thank you for your response. I had forgotten about that web site, last year I think I read every article she wrote. The references to Assclown were hilarious. I just read the link you sent me and it was perfect. I am allowing the behavior and I guess it doesn't really matter why.

We are going away together soon. I have been planning on ending it soon after, maybe he is sensing that too. So when the time comes I will be here and on the after the affair board for support because I know "no contact" will be the one and only way to really move on.

You said you ended your short A and now your back in. We had several breakups over the years and it was difficult every time. I believe if your AP is clear about his intentions, that is he is not leaving his primary relationship, and you are clear about yours then you can have a good time as long as you are very very careful not to get caught.

remember, if you don't want anyone to know, don't tell anyone. create an email address that you both use and communicate by creating drafts--this way nothing gets sent. Delete your call history or purchase a separate phone and buy minutes. Never use a credit card. Never go to each other's home.

Good luck! I hope we talk again soon,
hugs,
Fran

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 10:32am

Glad that refreshed your memory :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 12:41pm

The article is so true!

Since you are not leaving your spouse,let him run hot and cold.Take him when he comes,enjoy and have fun.In the time he is cold,go back to your real life ,go out with friends,go to movies ,etc.In a nutshell,compartmentaize this hot n cold guy, thats basically what he is doing.He is not worth a tear one would shed for.Make it a give and take relationship.

I have talked bold,lol! If you can do this,it will make it easier.I wish I could take my own advice;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 7:10pm

I love that advice chick2010.

Hot and cold - that is totally the MM I'm having an A with to a T. It breaks my heart and I cry all the time but part of it is because we work together. But thankfully, only for another 2 weeks. I have no idea if we're going to continue the A after. We need to have The Talk. I hope so but if so, we have to figure out some rules and how to make this work for both of us.

I think with some distance, I will better be able to handle the hot and cold because the cold won't be right in my face at work every day, you know?

But yeah, great advice! Enjoy it when it's hot and when it's cold, remember and enjoy your REAL life because I think what we have with our AP's fits somewhere in the realm of fantasy.