What did I just do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
What did I just do?
2
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 1:40pm

I'm new here. So I guess a small background is required to get the jist of things. I'm a MW, with 2 young children. I have been with my H for 10 years total. Dated for 2 years on and off and married for nearly 8. My H is a good man. Caring, provides us with everything we need, non-abusive. However lately it just seems like we are room mates. We go about our days and do the things we need to do. We say maybe 10-20 words a day to each other. Between our working hours we don't see each other much. But in the times we do see each other he is either in his work shop or out toying around with his toys (away from the home). My marriage is a happy marriage for the most part, but there is absolutely no passion, intimacy or love present. Sure we say we love each other but I honestly think it has become so routine that it is just habit now. Whether he is having an A I am unsure, my friends seem to think he is. Sex is routine, we rarely have it and when we do he won't even look at me and rolls his back to me afterwards to go to sleep.

I see OM twice a week at a weekly work events. We have 5 more of these events to complete where we will see other. When the events started we simply just meshed, hit it off and became friends. We ended up working on a small project together about three weeks ago. We exchanged phone numbers and went from there. The day after the work on the project was done I sent a good job text, a simple friendly text (other had been sent before and were simply just friendly). One thing led to another and these texts turned into something else. I guess I should not he has been with his girlfriend for the past 15 years (since their early teens, we are in our very late 20's). We would text back and forth during the day while at work. His gf left for an out of town business trip for a few days and the texts just continued, much more heavily while she was gone. She has been back a few days and they have slowed down, which is understandable. During these times we have seen each other after our weekly work events and just talked. Nothing has been held back between us. We know there are feelings there, but are unsure what those feelings are and neither of us want to leave where we are in our lives. Even though we aren't completely happy, were complacent with the way things are, don't want our lives to drastically change. We know we love our partners but are unsure if we are still in-love with them. As spoiled as this sounds, I'm also not ready to give up my lifestyle I have been accustomed to. I want/need for absolutely nothing.

I have a major fear of being rejected, but who doesn't? About 4 days ago I sent an email to OM and told him it had to stop, there couldn't be any more. For the record nothing physical had happened, although it was discussed in great length, neither of us had the "balls" to go through with it. When we originally started this (whatever it may be) we both agreed that if one person called the quits, there would be no questions asked and we would stop. Getting back to the stopping part. Told him I couldn't do it anymore. My major fear was him telling me it had to stop, I didn't want to go through that. But since I sent that email and he agreed, I can't stop thinking about it and how much I want to go back and say I was wrong.

I don't want a full on relationship full of love with this man. In fact, I just want him for the pure fun and pleasure I am missing in my M. And I think he was looking for the same thing. However, the guilt involved in what I was doing was overwhelming me. Completely taking me over. But now the guilt of ending it has completely taken me over. I will see OM this week for our weekly work event and I'm not quite sure how to handle the situation. If we act too different people are going to know things happened and if we act the same I'm afraid I'm going to fall and fall hard for him. I'm so torn. The adventure, the communication, the fun of it all is so intoxicating and I don't want to be with out it. But I also can't see a future with him. I guess it is also important to note I am leaving in a few weeks for an out of town 4 week assignment for work, so I will have plenty of time to clear my head being away from OM and H.

I'm not quite sure what I am looking for, advice maybe, anything honestly. I'm just so torn and have absolutely no where to turn because of the situation. It's not as if I can run up to my best girlfriend and say oh, yeah I have a huge crush on some guy at work and things went to far.

Thanks in Advance. If anyone has any questions please let me know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 3:37pm

Welcome to MAS, simplieconfused :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 11:24am

Thank you so much for the response. Well, we went a few days with out contact, but we text each other all day before our work event and I kept it extremely friendly/professional. He constantly put out little remarks to get me to say something. I didn't, which was hard, but I was so proud of myself. His little remarks got about 10 times worse at the event and after he text me and I lost it. I couldn't keep my composure anymore. So I pulled away, and somehow I let myself get reeled back in. We also volunteered together for a project that is happening in the fall (what was I thinking? really?)

You are right, nothing much besides talk has happened. While I really want to get physical with him I don't know if I can. The stress, rollercoaster of emotions is killing me. I'm not quite sure how anyone deals with this. I've lost 10 lbs in a little over a week. If my H didn't have a vasectomy I would think I was pregnant - my nerves are killing my stomach. Every morning I wake up and get sick.

Talking to my H is very hard. Whenever I attempt to talk to him about more than just normal every day doings he completely checks out and ignores me. It's like he is here, but he's emotionally checked out of our marriage. I'm hoping my 4 weeks away for business will open his eyes.