Don't know what to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Don't know what to do...
5
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 11:24pm
So, I'm fairly new here. I actually posted something in the Sexual fantasy forum about 2 yrs ago, and the topics are ironically intertwined. I had a ridiculous sexual fantasy about a coworker of mine, a good friend, and it shook me to the core. I'm married and in a fairly sexless marriage and have just been dealing with it the last few years. I work a lot, my job is really my primary focus. So this dream I had, with this guy... 2 yrs later it's become a reality. A reality so amazing I don't even know where to start. This man is my best friend. We've been friends for over 4 yrs, work very closely together, but the last few years he's truly become my best friend. We have so much in common, it's scary. A few months ago, we were on a trip out of the country and had a great night out, drank a bit too much. He kissed me, the most incredible kiss I've ever experienced and we could not separate ourselves from eachother all night long. The rest of the trip was a blur, but since we've been home, we've been having an affair. The problem is we don't know what to do. I am legitimately in love with this man. He feels as though we are soul mates (cheesy I know). Neither one of us has EVER done something like this. He's been married for 10 yrs, I've been married for 3, but w/my H for 7 yrs. We love our SO's but we've never felt what we feel for eachother for them or anyone else. It just keeps getting stronger. I don't know what to do. I can't bear what this will do to my H, he loves me so much and this will destroy him. The man I love, his W is a good friend of mine and thinking about what this will do to her kills me. We've actually discussed leaving our SO's for eachother. He's convinced we are meant to be and will be happy together. This both took us off guard. Obviously, I've been attracted to him for a while (hence the fantasy a couple of yrs ago). NEVER thought I'd act on it. NEVER once thought he'd feel the same way. NEVER thought I'd fall in love with someone else and actually consider ending a perfectly good marriage. I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. Neither one of us has kids. Am I the worst person in the world here? Argh. This is hell. I feel like my life is a freaking lifetime movie.


Edited 6/3/2010 11:28 pm ET by figuringitoutin08
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 8:18am

Welcome to MAS figuringitout!

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 4:27pm

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 5:09pm

Hi Figuring..

You've said "a few months ago" for all the intensity that your friendship took... and an overseas trip and some alcohol to bring to the level it is now..

For one thing, it is normal to feel guilty, if you are a moral person, and you surely are. I am sure he feels the same way.

Since you've had a friendship for the last two years, you pretty much know how he is and he knows how you are. What neither of you know is that, if you were to choose to get divorces and get together, will it last, will it be worth it?

The fact that both of you are in an affair points to faulty marriages here. So, for either of you, you can continue living a lie with the excuses of protecting your spouses, or you can come out clean, without talking about the affair, say that you want out of the marriage, and then start a relationship. You don't have to confess to the A to get a divorce, but, you are already out of the marriage where you are, so why keep doing it. You are not doing anyone any favors here.

One important point here is what is called the affair fog. read about it. you may be in it right now, and if and when it lifts, you may realize this was all a mistake and you are not right for each other. Whether you are right for your current spouses is a different question.

My advice, as it were, would be, continue the friendship and the affair, since there is no way you are stopping, but cut back on all future planning for a while and see how that works for you. Live the moment, and stop creating expectations for the future. That may give you some time to see how things work out between the two of you.

In the meantime, do your best to keep everything secret. That must be your primary goal.

I wish you the best.

--

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 11:46pm

Hi figuringitout,

I share a lot of your sentiments. You are NOT the worst person in the world at all! Speaking for myself (and I think others), most of us who got married did not expect to become adulterers. We expected that there would be difficulties in the marriage, but we never thought we'd actually DO what we're doing now. Your marriage doesn't sound like a mess either, so it's even more confusing. Your situation is similar to mine in that way--I always figured it was lonely women in small towns in sexless marriages who had A's, like Desperate Housewives style. I didn't think accomplished, fairly well adjusted, smart ladies would sink to that level. Boy have I been humbled!

The guilt is part of the game baby, it doesn't go away. Sorry to say. And loving your SO but also feeling as strongly as you do for your AP is SO hard! I completely relate to the constant torment...but the result is, you've got one foot in and one foot out of BOTH relationships, and ultimately YOU can't be happy doing both for too long. It just makes it so hard to enjoy either partner, because your mind is someplace else, or you're anxious every time your phone rings, etc.

At the same time...what's been going on with you guys is short term so far. It's in "honeymoon phase", and the excitement of sneaking around and stealing kisses only prolongs the honeymoon. You don't really KNOW if you leave your H and he leaves his W, if you guys could really be happy together either. And you wont know because you can't tell the future.

My suggestion is that you sit down and really try to evaluate your marriage, because the fact is, over the course of the marriage, we'll all be tempted to stray at some point. attraction ebbs and flows, problems crop up and intimacy can decline. But that is bound to happen in any relationship, and even if you were with your AP for real, these challenges would arise. Are you doing this because you crave excitement? What is the AP doing for you that your husband isn't, and could you possibly get what you need from your H? Or, do you really feel like maybe you and your H are no longer compatible? Explore these questions and keep us updated :) Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 1:32am

First of all, thank you to all of you who replied to my post... sorry it took so long to get back online. I agree with everything you all said. I know I, we, need time to figure this out, rash decisions cannot be made and this is definitely the honeymoon phase.


When I think about my marriage now, I question it a lot. I have actually questioned it a lot since very shortly after I said I do. Never really been able to put a finger on it. My SO is a wonderful man, loved by all, takes very good care of me. He has been better at being married since the moment we decided to go down that path. He thinks in terms of 'we' and I struggle to do that. I always thought our independence was what made us work. I never understood women who wanted to spend all of their free time with their SO's. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with him, it's just that I love my alone time just as much, if not more. I thrive on doing things for others, it makes me so happy to make others happy, but I don't know if I've truly put his needs above mine or anyone elses. Something has always held me back. We've been together 7 yrs, and the attraction was there the first couple, but since then, we've really been more like business partners. We are that couple that 'seemingly' has it all. Earlier this year, before the A started, I was on a business trip with someone on my team. I took an extra day to explore the city I was in, and had the most amazing day. I