New here need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
New here need advice
7
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 7:25pm

I'm not even sure if this belongs in this category but here goes:

I'm in my 30's and currently going through a divorce. There's a cute guy at my gym that I've gotten to know, and I worked up my nerve to send him an email asking him to go out on a date. (He is getting separated from his wife) The email started out fine, we were going back and forth. Then he asked me if I wanted to "hook-up". He confessed that he's had 3 "flings" with other women, and that he doesn't want anything serious just a "friends with benefits" situation and if I'm OK with that and that it would be just physical and not emotional and if I'm OK with being "used". I told him I'm not sure I'd want to be used, although I'm not looking for anything serious either and I'm really attracted to him. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 7:45pm

If you're the kind of person who can keep your emotions out of sex, and if you're looking to be single and have after your marriage ends, then go for it!

It can be really tough though to keep your feelings in check and be careful you don't fall hard and fast and get hurt.

If you go for it, be aware of your emotions and look out for yourself.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 9:41pm

hi blue..


mm here..


having gone through a divorce myself, i know the challenges you may be facing..


for me, that whole period was very tough.. and if i had faced your situation, i'd have said no.. he's already got things going on, and there's the health issues you gotta worry about.. and what happens afterward.. since you're already somewhat attracted to him.. probably more to where you are emotionally than what kind of person he really happens to be..


in my case, i had a good support group of friends.. and the few relationships i had were with separated or divorced people that knew what i was going through and when i dated, it was monogomous, as it were..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 9:38am

I'd say no. He was basically absolving himself of any bad behavior he might have shown after "hooking up" with you - ie: ignoring e-mails, calls or texts, ignoring you at the gym. All that is possible after an encounter since he kinda warned you ahead of time that it would be "just physical". To guys, "just physical" means he can act however he wants and you can't cry foul if he told you ahead of time! Imagine what a beating your self esteem might take if that's how it goes. You don't need that! You can find someone else, there are lots of guys you'll be attracted to. And as someone brought up - the health issue alone is not worth hooking up with him.

And welcome to MAS!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 12:36pm

My advice? RUN! and RUN FAST and don't give this douche the time of day.


I've been here before and I am not a "typical chick" meaning, I don't allow my emotions to get entangled easily, I have a pretty thick shell and can pretty well keep my feelings in check. HOWEVER, I am a woman and DO have a heart with feelings and am not just stone cold emotionless and let me just say, this WILL not be worth it.


Like another poster said, it is an excuse for him to act ANY WAY HE WANTS after the fact and she is 110% right on this. He will use you and not care one bit about it, or if it begins to hurt you after all, he told you so.


The "game" will be on his terms only, he will play you and you will be like a puppet on a string; when he wants it, you will find you make yourself available and beat yourself up about it, you will hope and wish he might change and want you for YOU but he won't. This kind of guy isn't worth getting involved with.


Let me just say I've been involved with a similar jerk for almost 2 years now and please hear me when I say - don't go there. Sure, the sex is AMAZING and we truly like each other and do care for each other but bottom line, it is sex on HIS TERMS.


Save yourself a lot of heartache and RUN.


Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 1:14pm

The best trait of this guy is that he is being honest and upfront.I applaud him for that.He could have easily 'used' you and let you figure out yourself as to what happened- like many women on EAS.

You know whats the deal.Accept it if it suites you.He has given you the option unlike many other APs around.

Good luck in your choice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 7:14pm

I'd go for it, sex is really good for your immune system,:) and once you meet 'the one' you will not be as desperate and will be able to think more clearly (since you will not be sex-starved and will not be led by the lower part of your body ;-).

Just make sure you keep your options and eyes open for other guys, and try to live your life as if you would without him.

Good luck! ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 7:22pm

Personally I would not go for it...show that you value yourself more than that. You deserve to develop a healthy, positive relationship even when you're dating. He can always "hire" someone for that...you are better than that.

We have to value ourselves first before we can expect people to treat us with respect. I know sometimes we are weak and want the physical affection but I have a feeling that is really not what you were looking for with him.

Tell him, good luck with that approach it doesn't work for you.

J