Should I let go? (Long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2010
Should I let go? (Long)
5
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 9:10pm

Hello everyone...I am new here and would love any input you guys can give me!


My situation is so difficult right now I don't know which end is up, or even where to start to explain this. My H and I have had an open marriage since 06'. It was very difficult in the beginning but it settled down and turned out to be something

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 2:23am

Hi!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2010
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 8:12am
Yes we were going to move away to live together and start a new life! He was purposely looking for jobs farther away so we could do this. He said if he is going to stay local he wants to stay at home so he can be with his kids all the time. So he will take either not seeing them at all or having to see them all the time. Which makes no sense to me. As far as his wife goes...she isn't going to go anywhere! He is her cash cow and she views her relationships as sex only and tries to get as many one nighters as she can. Unfortunately I am stuck in the scenario I want. He keeps saying thats what he wants to and to
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 7:50am

Welcome to MAS blue_eyez. I'm sorry I seem to have missed this thread until now.

You have every right to question your R with this man. You also have a right to end it - you say you can't justify "letting him go" when he hasn't done anything wrong. But he has! I agree with you - why is it OK to run away and be together, but not just leave the marriage and stay locally? I think it's because he wants to run away and not face the hurt he would cause his wife and kids if he left. If he was far away, he wouldn't have to deal with it so often. But that would end up much worse, his guilt towards his kids would be worse if he could only see them infrequently.

You have a right to tell him what you want, and to be clear about a timeline. If he can't meet that, then you certainly have a right to end it. Try to get him to tell you his reasoning for wanting to "run away" rather than stay. I think if you make him say it out loud he'll realize it's illogical.

About your marriage - an open marriage only works when both people want it. Usually, when it's entered into, it's understood that as soon as one partner is unhappy with the arrangement, then it should end. If you want to salvage your marriage at all (and I'm not sure you do), you should sit down with your H and tell him you're not asking, you're telling him that you can't live like that anymore and this isn't the kind of marriage you want.

It sounds like you might be like me a bit - you have a little assertiveness trouble. I am really good at telling people to speak up for themselves, but I know how difficult that is for some of us!! In any case I look forward to updates from you. :-)

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 10:02am

Hi Blue.. welcome to the board.. mm here in an A w/a mw for a couple of years now..

reading through what you wrote, it seems to me that he's #1 in your life and you're #4..ish in his (after kids, wife and job).. this doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, just that that's where his priorities are.

there are many types of As, as you can read here in many of the posts. i think, in your situation, if you are capable of making him less of a priority in your life, match his level, as it were, it'd go a long way of you making this work. i doubt there is much he can do, since he's already made his decisions, as you can see from his actions.

if you can't make him a bit more "casual" in your life, more of a dear, special friend, your problems will continue, get worse. i mean, how much of this can you take, right?

otherwise, you may need to think about a life w/o him as your AP.. as difficult as that may sound, it may be easier in the long run than trying to shape your feelings into something that is not true to who you are..

do keep posting.. and good luck..

--

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2010
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 8:40am

Well thank you guys for your input!


Firts to c-lex...I have sat down with H to discuss this and he pretty much didn't care. So no...saving my marriage is not an option here. I think we are both just really hangin on another couple of years til my oldest is out! I had a really long talk with him on Easter and he knows exactly how I feel about the BF and seems ok with it, I think mostly because he has feelings for who he is seeing but won't admit it. Either way...I know it's over. You are right when you say