He Moved Out but Things Don't Seem Bette
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| Tue, 06-15-2010 - 3:05am |
AP and I have been in an A for a year and a half. He always told me things were not good at home but my head wouldn't totally believe it. Well, at the end of May, he forgot their anniversary and she told him it that it was the last straw and she wanted him gone. I question whether he truly "forgot" but that is beside the point. He has told me that he was basically waiting for her to tell him to leave so that it would look like it was her idea although he has wanted to leave for some time.
I truly didn't think much would happen with this but AP actually went and leased an apartment for 12 months. He even brought me with him to look at his top 2 choices as he said I would be spending a lot of time there, maybe eventually moving in (I am also married right now though), and that he'd be giving me a key right away, etc. etc.
So, he tells apartment place that he wants to move in ASAP and is willing to take whatever is available. They tell him a nicer one would be available the next week but he says no he wants one the next day if possible and he gets one. I question him and ask if he is truly ready for this and he says yes.
During all of this, he is no longer wearing wedding ring. A few days later, he is wearing it again and I ask if things have changed. He says he is wearing it because he doesn't want questions at work. All of a sudden, he takes it off and throws it into a field and says it means nothing. I tell him thats crazy and to go get it. I did not actually see the ring fly from his hand but am 99% sure he threw it.
He tells me he doesn't want to fight with W and will agree to pretty much whatever she wants to let him take etc etc. As of right now, he has a box spring mattress, a tv, and some clothes. She has told him he can take a dresser and a table but he has yet to get these things and it has been 2 weeks.
Also, they have 2 children together ages 11 and 16. When he gets off from work every night, he goes back to the house and eats dinner with them and hangs out until 930-10 and then goes to his apt. He says he does stuff with the kids, gets online (because he doesn't have internet at apt), and watches tv (because he doesn't have cable at apt). I have asked a few times if he wishes he hadn't done this and his answer is that he knows it would have been easier to stay and that he misses his house but that he feels he made the right decision.
Now on to me. I just get the feeling that he doesn't feel the same about me. I have asked him and even told him that things feel different between us but he says no. He has not given me a key (which really isn't necessary anyways but it's more the gesture) but we still meet for lunches daily and text, email etc. He tells me he loves me but I feel like it used to be more. When he was with W, he would say how he wanted us to be married, we would talk about the house we'd have, maybe have a kid together someday, etc etc and that talk has gone away.
Has anyone experienced this? Do I try and give him space? I'm sorry this is so long, I tried to keep it short. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Things can change when one of two married APs become single. His feelings might not have changed, but he might be pulling back a little because he's not sure how long it will be before you might leave your M. When you've discussed this before, did you really want to leave your M, or did you just say you would because you thought he never would and you would never have to?
Don't let the fact that he's left home pressure you into leaving, if that's not what you really want. Think hard about whether you want to stay in your M or leave. Now would be the time for him to be able to find a true partner, if that's what he wants, so if you want to stay married, you should be upfront about it and let him decide what he wants to do from there.
There's another possibility that he wants to be "free" now that he's left. Some men do want that experience and pull away from their AP when they become single. Make sure you know what his intentions are before making any major decisions of your own! If you do leave your marriage, it should be because the marriage is bad, and you're better off even alone than in the marriage. Never leave FOR an AP, because, like any relationship, it might not work out.
I guess this is a time to have some long heart to hearts with your AP and figure out "what now". Just remember to be honest, not only with him, but with yourself, about what it is you want.
Good luck and I look forward to hearing updates from you!
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
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when i moved out during my separation and eventual divorce, i remember those days as "crazy times". i don't know what my ex-wife would call it. suffice it to say that i don't remember much of it, and that's my coping mechanism of thankfully forgetting some pretty bad times. you've witnessed some of this in your AP, it appears.
right now, if you want what's best for you, and him, take everything to a steady, low-expectation mode. be more of a friend to him than anything else. he's not at a place to make sound decisions about himself or his future, let alone for the two of you. he'll take it a day at a time. at the end, he may even get back to his family. i didn't have kids back then and it was very hard for me.
at this time, look at everything you shared as memories, as the past, all said and done. this is a new page you've turned and expect nothing. that way, whatever may happen, you'll be able to take in stride, as much as possible.
during my separation, i've dated someone and got really close. then, one day, a switch went on in my head and my inner voice said "what the hell are you doing?".. i broke it off with her, clearly realizing i've used her and made her a victim of my craziness at the time.
see that you don't become an unintentional victim. he may not mean for any of this to happen, but it very well may happen in this fashion. protect yourself, and if you wish so, continue to be his friend with your guard on..
good luck..
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