20 some years later

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
20 some years later
4
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 9:02pm

I'll make this short.
In high school there was one guy that was my first love. I broke off our relationship one year to go to the prom with an older guy (immature of me). Then our senior year we went to the prom. He was my first love and only real love; however, we went to different colleges and never really had our timing perfect. He ended up getting a girl pregnant his senior year of college 1988. They married and now have three kids. I married and had two sons...divorced and remarried. The second marriage ended in divorce because we could not blend the families.

About 5 years ago I ran into my "first love". We talked then kept in touch a little through email. Over the years we secretly met probably less than a dozen times. We did get intimate twice. Recently, he has been getting in contact with me. I really enjoy the attention because I haven't been involved with anyone because of two failed marriages. We seem to have a strong connection and strong feelings. I would never ask him to leave his wife and kids because I would never want them to deal with the hurt. Plus I don't want to be the one to cause it. Although, I haven't been strong enough to stop the A.

Honestly, he is a man that I have always loved and I would love to have him all to myself, but I can't see him ever leaving his family.

Additionally, sometimes I think that I don't end it because it is safe for me. There is no commitment on my end...which I have a bad track record of (2 failed marriages)....so I just continue. I do worry about what I would do if he actually left his family.

Have any of you been in that sort of situation?

TanZa2920
TanZa2920
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 11:07pm

I'm in a similar situation, very similar.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 8:04am

Welcome to MAS Tanza!

I agree with Another's post. It sounds like you're being realistic, even about why an A might be appealing to you right now, rather than a regular relationship.

The danger is that you will develop very strong feelings for your AP, making it near impossible to leave, and painful to stay in the R when you are only "on the side". It can be a horrible trap, and you won't know you're in it till it's too late.

At this point, it seems like the R is OK for both of you. So go one day at a time. However, I'd hate to see you here 3 years later in agony because you are so in love with AP but he will never leave his wife so you'll never have an "out in the open" R with him. Be careful... guard your heart (easier said than done)!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2010
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 9:03am

My situation is very similar.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 12:11pm

Thanks everyone for your replies. I've read a lot of discussions on this board and it helps to put things into perspective for me.

Anotherseyes: Your comment about hiding behind the divorces really hit home. This is an easy way to be involved with someone, yet not have to worry about failure again. I will keep that in mind.

I have always thought about this man. And many times we say to each other if we could just go back in time....but recently, we have changed our thought pattern....it is now..."where do we go from here?"

Thanks again....you all are great support for something that I know is so wrong.

TanZa2920
TanZa2920