Newbie - please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2010
Newbie - please help
7
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 11:04am

I never thought I would be in this situation, but here I am. I have been married for 2 years to a wonderful man. We were together for 5 years before that. Our relationship is very good, except that we do not have a satisfactory sexual relationship, which we are going to therapy to resolve.

In the meantime, I have started traveling a lot for work and just hit it off with another coworker who lived near the place I had to travel to. He is married to his childhood sweetheart and has 2 kids. We had to spend a lot of time with each other and we both confessed that I started having feelings for each other. We decided that we couldn't act on our feelings as it would affect each of our families and instead just acted out our desires through chat. He says he is very happy in his marriage and would feel very guilty and tell me we had to stop and then we would start up again. Right before I had a huge break in my travel schedule, I fell apart in front of him, confused by his on and off behavior and about how attached I was getting to him. He ended it and I was a wreck.

His wife then gave birth to their son and he was out of the office for a few weeks. When he came back I was distant to him through our work calls, email and work chats. He asked me if I was over him which I thought I was and I asked him if he was over me, which he said he was, but that he really considered me a good friend and wanted our relationship to remain the same without the sexual element. We started talking again and our conversations eventually went back towards sexual topics. This time he did not seem to feel guilty and I enjoyed having an outlet to talk about sex as my husband does not really like to talk much about it. So I guess we had an EA, and neither of us had ever had an A before.

I recently had to start traveling again, and we both were looking forward to meeting in person again. We almost had a physical moment in the office, very PG - just him feeling me up over my clothes and then I had to leave for the long weekend. Before I left, he was telling me how he would visit my hotel room and what we would do together.

However, when I came back to town after the long weekend, he stopped talking about all things sexual. He now just treats me as a friend, albeit a close one. I don't know what happened that made him change!! He never came by my hotel, never asks me any questions about anything in that context. He doesn't make an jokes about anything sexual. I'm scared to ask him, which is so childish. I'm scared of his rejection and wonder if I ask him, it will convince him that he doesn't care for me in that way anymore. At work, he is always pinging me to say hello and we talk about a lot of things, just not sex anymore :(

I got really upset 2 weeks ago thinking he was pushing me away as he didn't wait for me to walk with him out from work and when I called him and told me he couldn't talk to me on the phone when he was going home that day. The next day he didn't sit next to me at work. I and told him that I received the message loud and clear that he didn't want to be around me. He got upset and stopped talking to me. The next day he told me I needed to cut out the drama and that if I was upset with him, I should ask him about it before jumping to conclusions. He couldn't wait that day because it was late and he needed to get home. He couldn't talk to me on the way home because an acquantence of his was sitting next to him and he didn't feel comfortable talking to me with him around. In this same conversation, I asked him if I could still talk to him about anything and he said yes. However, I feel like he has had a change of heart about me and it really hurts. I am very emotional and he is very rational.

We have a deep friendship, but I miss the other aspect we used to have too! It has been 3 weeks now since he last made any comments suggesting anything intimate between us. He mentions his wife a bit to me now, about how she is upset that he is working too hard and not taking care of himself. He barely used to mention her. Am I overthinking all of this?

In the meantime, I am trying to work on things with my marriage, but I am having trouble letting go. I really miss him :( I was thinking of posting on EAS but I don't think I am ready yet to completely go NC. I am in IC too and my therapist said its okay for me to keep contact with him and have him meet a need that is not being met right now, if it helps me in my life, but I don't think this person wants me in his life that way anymore :(

Thanks for reading my long post, I tried to keep it short but include relevant details. I'm sure I forgot some important ones anyway! I would really would appreciate any advice anyone can give me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 11:31am

Hi confused

Big hugs!!!!! Your situation is very painful and heartwrenching. I was in a somewhat similar position, where my AP suddenly started feeling guilty (in the time leading up to and after his wedding anniversary). He went from being soooo hot with me (calling me his girlfriend, talking about all the things he wanted to do with me, texting me allll the time, being physical and affectionate with me nonstop) to being COMPLETELY COLD. Except it wasn't consistent. Some days he'd be hot (But still not how it used to be) other days, he would almost blow me off.

Confused, it hurts so much! I totally understand! You get all excited, your hopes get up, you start feeling really good about yourself and enjoy the attention, excitement, and future prospects, and then it's like they pull the rug right out from under you and you smash down on your face.

I think it sounds like he is very confused and doesn't know what he wants either. I bet the fact that his wife just had a baby is a pretty big factor in his guilt and pulling away, just like the wedding anniversary was for my AP.

Now, I don't want to give you false hope, but I wonder if, as time goes on, his flirty side and attraction to you will show itself again. A lot of male APs seem to kind of do a hot and cold behaviour, and they also seem to start wanting us again as time passes (kind of the absence makes the heart grow fonder thing).

So you have two options. Either completely shut anything down with him and proceed that way. But if you're still kinda interested, be cool, nice and confident around him. Let him see everything that he is missing. If he still wants you but is battling some serious guilt, his desire might start to outweigh the guilt. But don't let him see how much this continues to upset you because then that kinda adds even more to his guilt.

But keep in mind that the second option can be painful and heartwrenching too and invites a whole new host of thoughts and pains. But if you really want him then that's what I'd do.

Meanwhile, try and keep yourself busy with your life. As a side note, my situation is similar in that I love my B/F of 7 years and want to marry him but our sex life is just meh, and I obviously look for the desire outside of our relationship. Sigh. This isn't my first A.

I stuck it out with my A. I kept myself busy and didn't push and was really patient with his hot and cold guilty behaviour and it seems to have worked. He came back to me saying that he really wanted us to continue, but he just had to work through some stuff (i.e., guilt).

Anyway, good luck! You're in a really tough spot, one that many of us have been in. I know how much it hurts and how much you must be doubting yourself and everything. Come back to vent any time! you'd be amazed by how much many of us can relate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2010
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 12:12pm

Hi Lucy,

Thanks so much for your reply. Your description of getting hopes up high is spot on!!! It makes me feel a lot better knowing I am not the only one in this boat. It is also comforting to know that you have similar problems with your significant other. I am trying to stay strong, but its hard :) I do not know how to act cool. I think I screwed up by showing my frustration 2 weeks ago :( I guess I shouldn't really talk to him now about how much I miss our flirting.

The odd thing about the baby was after his birth, when he came back to work, he kept IMing me (speaking of which, he just IMed me right now to say hi). I don't understand why he would IM me, talk to me on the phone, mention how we can go to lunch together when we see each other at work again, but not flirt. I don't understand him at all. I miss him, but wish I didn't!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 12:53pm

Hi Confused

I can certainly relate and also know that hearing from others in the same position makes a world of difference!

You're right, I wouldn't bring up missing flirting with him. That will just likely make him feel pressured, put on the spot, and guiltier. I made this mistake when my AP was feeling horribly guilty and it just pushed him away more.

Once I really forced myself to pull back a bit and chill out (Which was excruciating, I had to find stuff to do to look busy and distract myself because we worked together), then he started getting interested again and realized he liked me more than he felt guilty.

I think him still messaging you and wanting to do lunch likely means he's still interested and wants you around but doesn't know how to deal with his feelings for you and guilt. All you can really do is wait patiently. Talking to him about it will likely just push him away.

Just be awesome and cool and friendly and show him what he is missing. Unfortunately, A's have two sides and both sides have to want it, even if there is guilt. You can't make him overcome his guilt. That was very difficult for me to accept! Even my AP feeling guilty hurt so much. It felt like if he liked me as much as he said he did and showed he did, then he shouldn't feel guilty but that's unfortunately not the reality.

He's the only one who can decide how to deal with his guilt. Having a new baby is a pretty big thing. My AP wants to start having kids with his W (She doesn't seem too interested though) and I know that if she gets pregnant, this is likely going to cause problems for us. I really dread that day.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2009
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 1:04pm

I went through the same thing with my AP. I don't think it was so much guilt, but he saw that I was falling hard and wanted to pull away a bit. We were both having problems in our marriage at the same time too and it was making things really hard on the head for both of us. He didn't want to meet up anymore for a while, until there were holidays planned so we could both clear our heads a bit.

Before it used to be him that emailed him most days, he wanted the chat at night though. I was upset for a bit when we decided to slow things down, I told him that but later apoligized and played it cool. We aren't talking every night like we did at first, only every 2nd night. He emails me half the time now and has gotten back to the talks that we used to have. We are planning to meet up next week again.

I gave him the space I think he was looking for and the space I needed. We both got our heads cleared up and are ready to go back at it again. We never stopped, just slowed down. Now I think going back into it we both have clearer heads. With me not talking to him as much I think he realized that he missed me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2010
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 4:43pm

Thanks for your advice. I guess will have to wait it out. It is hard because we work together and everytime I hear his voice on conference calls or he IMs me, I get butterflies in my stomach. When I see him, it is even worse. I will try to remain cool, calm and collected and not let him see how much this is getting to me.

In the meantime I will need to keep myself busy as thinking of him is driving me crazy. I am over analyzing every single thing he says or does!! I feel like I am in high school all over again :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 11:54pm

Welcome to MAS, confused.


This is just my own two cents here, so take it for whatever it's worth.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2010
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 1:32pm

Hi Anothereyes,

Thanks for the welcome :) I am so happy that I found this place for support. I agree with you, especially about the pressue. It is hard but I am trying to accept the fact that there are things that I just cannot change and worrying about them will not change anything, except cause me more emotional pain. I saw the person today after a week and he is being nothing but nice like a friend and I am responding the same, even though it is hurting me inside.