another...I think ali is right on the money about you needing to really think about the reasons WHY you want to confess. I say that b/c while I was in therapy trying to end my A months ago, my therapist and I discussed that very thing A LOT. Therapists usually fall in one camp or another: the "tells", and the "don't tells"...there are
IMO, confessing to your H is not a good idea.'What if' he decides NOT to D and work more on making it work or makes your leaving difficult?
We all are much more stronger than we believe we are.Why not try and give up on AP ( I did read you cant )?Maybe slowly wean off if not immediately? Give gaps between interactions ,make them longer and longer and one day you may realize you can live w/o him?
( Sorry but I dont get the relation of your shoe falling apart analogy !)
anotherseyes , i agree with others that before making any major decison like this make sure you know what exactly you want . In other words try to figure out what is your motivation for confessing. You definately need some time to think it over .
I got the shoe analogy LOL. I think it was sheer coincidence, but I would wonder the same way you are wondering about it!
This is a hard one Another. IMO I would advise you to keep from confessing at least for the moment. You need to have a job and a place to go before you should confess something like that. As has been said, it would be good to try to figure out your motives for wanting to confess in the first place. I'm wondering if your motive is to punish yourself. Maybe you think you deserve to lose your home and be out on the street with no place to go! For all you know, that could be what would happen - even if it wouldn't be permanent, it could be your H's first reaction - to throw you out immediately.
If you end up leaving your marriage as you have planned, I don't think you need to confess, but of course it's up to you. If you plan to stay with the marriage, then the two of you would need counseling and that might be the place to confess, if you really want a fresh start.
However, right now, in the midst of all your emotional upheaval, you should stop the impulse to confess until you have really thought it through. It could be that you realize that your H doesn't know what he's up against - he doesn't have all the facts - and he thinks there's a chance of you loving him again. But if you keep being firm that you have no romantic feelings for him anymore, he will come to accept it. Stop saying things like "you can't trust how sweet he's being" etc. - that makes him think that if he just keeps being sweet you WILL trust it eventually and love him again. Instead, say things like "I know you're being very sweet, but it doesn't change the way I feel. I've lost it - I don't love you anymore, and it won't come back". Be firm.
Think about something else. If you confess, your H might very well react by contacting both your AP AND his wife. Are you sure that under everything, there's not a tiny bit of motive there for telling your H? This scenario has happened over and over on this board - it's often the basis for a d-day - the AP telling their spouse causes the other AP to be outed. This could cause extreme anger on the part of your AP toward you. So there you'd be - no home no place to go and no AP! At least temporarily.
Think about it all sweetie. There are ramifications here, far and wide, and some of it might hurt your AP AND his family - devastate them actually. Do what you need to do, but think about all the possible consequences first.
Proud to be a
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
I really don't agree with your T about "justified" and unjustified affairs. The justification is one sided because it is we the cheaters who determine that we are mistreated and we choose to stay and bring someone else into the M because we start to feel self entitled. I know I justified my A by telling myself that my H cheated on me and I deserved to have that, but after I got a good T who called me on my behavior before the A, I realized that long before my H had an A, I checked out of the M. I am passive aggressive and I tend to shut down to protect myself. This caused my H to beg and plead for my attention. I dished myself out to him just enough to keep him in the M. He in turn, laid down like a doormat and basically allowed me to treat him that way. So, whose really at fault. We both are. The part your T says about ppl who are having "justified" affairs feeling more guilty seems kind of backwards. Logic would tell you that if a person is in a really good M and has an A, they would feel worse than someone who is being treated badly having an A. That just doesn't make sense what she said if you really think about it.
I confessed to my H and we are rebuilding our M and have made it a very good place to be for the both of us. Confession is really hard but both parties in the M need to have all the information to make a sound decision about whether they want to stay, especially when you are wavering on ending or staying in a M. (JMHO) Of course the choice is yours. Telling my H set me free and it allowed us to deal with our issues together.
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Hi another,
another...I think ali is right on the money about you needing to really think about the reasons WHY you want to confess. I say that b/c while I was in therapy trying to end my A months ago, my therapist and I discussed that very thing A LOT. Therapists usually fall in one camp or another: the "tells", and the "don't tells"...there are
IMO, confessing to your H is not a good idea.'What if' he decides NOT to D and work more on making it work or makes your leaving difficult?
We all are much more stronger than we believe we are.Why not try and give up on AP ( I did read you cant )?Maybe slowly wean off if not immediately? Give gaps between interactions ,make them longer and longer and one day you may realize you can live w/o him?
( Sorry but I dont get the relation of your shoe falling apart analogy !)
anotherseyes , i agree with others that before making any major decison like this make sure you know what exactly you want . In other words try to figure out what is your motivation for confessing. You definately need some time to think it over .
Best of luck
Thank you all for the advice!
I've generally never been dishonest in my life, so that's obviously difficult for me right now.
anotherseyes
I got the shoe analogy LOL. I think it was sheer coincidence, but I would wonder the same way you are wondering about it!
This is a hard one Another. IMO I would advise you to keep from confessing at least for the moment. You need to have a job and a place to go before you should confess something like that. As has been said, it would be good to try to figure out your motives for wanting to confess in the first place. I'm wondering if your motive is to punish yourself. Maybe you think you deserve to lose your home and be out on the street with no place to go! For all you know, that could be what would happen - even if it wouldn't be permanent, it could be your H's first reaction - to throw you out immediately.
If you end up leaving your marriage as you have planned, I don't think you need to confess, but of course it's up to you. If you plan to stay with the marriage, then the two of you would need counseling and that might be the place to confess, if you really want a fresh start.
However, right now, in the midst of all your emotional upheaval, you should stop the impulse to confess until you have really thought it through. It could be that you realize that your H doesn't know what he's up against - he doesn't have all the facts - and he thinks there's a chance of you loving him again. But if you keep being firm that you have no romantic feelings for him anymore, he will come to accept it. Stop saying things like "you can't trust how sweet he's being" etc. - that makes him think that if he just keeps being sweet you WILL trust it eventually and love him again. Instead, say things like "I know you're being very sweet, but it doesn't change the way I feel. I've lost it - I don't love you anymore, and it won't come back". Be firm.
Think about something else. If you confess, your H might very well react by contacting both your AP AND his wife. Are you sure that under everything, there's not a tiny bit of motive there for telling your H? This scenario has happened over and over on this board - it's often the basis for a d-day - the AP telling their spouse causes the other AP to be outed. This could cause extreme anger on the part of your AP toward you. So there you'd be - no home no place to go and no AP! At least temporarily.
Think about it all sweetie. There are ramifications here, far and wide, and some of it might hurt your AP AND his family - devastate them actually. Do what you need to do, but think about all the possible consequences first.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
Some good points, lexi.
One thing I can say is that H could never throw me out of the house: we rent our house.....from my parents ;).
anotherseyes
Hi!
Thanks, jane:)
I talked to my therapist about this today, and she understands why I felt yesterday like I needed to confess.
anotherseyes
I really don't agree with your T about "justified" and unjustified affairs. The justification is one sided because it is we the cheaters who determine that we are mistreated and we choose to stay and bring someone else into the M because we start to feel self entitled. I know I justified my A by telling myself that my H cheated on me and I deserved to have that, but after I got a good T who called me on my behavior before the A, I realized that long before my H had an A, I checked out of the M. I am passive aggressive and I tend to shut down to protect myself. This caused my H to beg and plead for my attention. I dished myself out to him just enough to keep him in the M. He in turn, laid down like a doormat and basically allowed me to treat him that way. So, whose really at fault. We both are. The part your T says about ppl who are having "justified" affairs feeling more guilty seems kind of backwards. Logic would tell you that if a person is in a really good M and has an A, they would feel worse than someone who is being treated badly having an A. That just doesn't make sense what she said if you really think about it.
I confessed to my H and we are rebuilding our M and have made it a very good place to be for the both of us. Confession is really hard but both parties in the M need to have all the information to make a sound decision about whether they want to stay, especially when you are wavering on ending or staying in a M. (JMHO) Of course the choice is yours. Telling my H set me free and it allowed us to deal with our issues together.
Pages