He's so confusing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
He's so confusing.
3
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 7:47pm

AP & I semi-crossed (ok we crossed) the physical line. Nothing big deal, we kissed about a week ago. It was short, it was sweet & things went on like regular. He made the move, not me. We had been close a few times, but I refused to cross the line first because I wasn't positive he really wanted it. He moved in for the kiss, not me. He just confuses the hell out of me.

When we started this about a month ago it was just fun. Simply fun. We started as friends, progressed into the emotional side. And then the dirty texts started. About a week into it I called it quits, said I couldn't handle it, couldn't do it. He said fine but sent a billion texts to me the next day edging me to say something dirty. I saw him at our work even that night and things only got worse. Finally, on the way home from the event I gave in and said something dirty back and it was back on.

However, he goes back and forth on should we be doing this. It is driving me bonkers. He says he wants to stop because it is the right thing to do but he is having fun and doesn't want to stop. We have gone through this 3 times now in the last 3 weeks. It's enough to make me silly.

We have obviously talked about crossing the line further and the texts he sends are well into sexual categories and quite vulgar (which I have no problem with). I call him a tease, he says I like it. I just don't get where he is going with this. Neither of us have any intentions of leaving our significant others, but I'm wondering if he's backing off like this every couple weeks because he's getting scared he's going there (as in real feelings). Last week one night he was drunk off his butt and text me because his wife was mad at him so he went to the bar with his buddy. We text for well over 7 hours while he was out of the house. His texts were far from clean, quite dirty, and all very telling of what he likes/wants. I fell asleep long before he got home.

I'm currently out of town for a business trip & will be for the next 6 weeks, it was originally for 4 weeks, changed to 7. We have a project together in the fall, about 3 months away so we will for sure see each other then. When questioned if I would see him before the work event he said we shall see.

I'm so sick and tired of his going back and forth. I just don't know what to do, I'm looking for opinions on if this is normal or not. After we kissed nothing changed, we saw each other for about 30 more minutes, we text on our way home from the event and then the whole next day and have been since. He initiated contact Wednesday, I did Thursday after I got an email from him - it was easier to reply by text than email and I knew he was at work so it was safe, then he initiated contact Friday night and again Saturday afternoon. I normally don't talk to him Sundays or Mondays, so we will see what happens tomorrow.

I'm just unsure of where he is going with this. Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 8:06pm
It's really hard to say where he's going simplieconfused. Guys think differently than we do. Maybe one of our guys here can shed some light! I would say this is normal. I would probably also say he might not know himself where he's going. You could have a heart to heart and ask... but sometimes that scares guys away. They don't want to think about it or plan, they just want it to HAPPEN.



But what about you? Do you know what you want to have happen, and have you thought through all the possible consequences? Make sure you know how hard it all can be, and how you could end up stuck in a dead end situation. Just think it through.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 10:07pm

hi..

mm here in an A with a mw..

my call.. this is already a headache for you and it's only been a kiss.. imagine where it'd go if it were a full blown A with all, and i mean ALL, the challenges that comes with.. and he can now just barely handle a kiss and the implied EA.. i am not sure he's mentally equipped to handle a PA, and you are already suffering from this, from his immaturity..

IMO, an A is not something you get into to see how it goes.. you really need a certain level of mental strength, determination and balance to make it work.. here you are accepting the challenges and being there for him, and in my view, he's already using you just to vent, to get excited, to live some version of a foreshortened adventure, and he's dragging you along with him.. he may mean well, but that doesn't mean he can handle this, nor he's the right person for you to go further into this with..

talk to him and then really think about stopping this whole thing in its tracks before you get hurt much much more.. you deserve better, A or not, don't you think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 1:01am

What I want out of this is yet to be determined. I never imagined myself in an A. My marriage is rocky right now to say the least. He has been a fun distraction, but when we get into the deeper conversations it drives me nuts. If I was looking for that I would go home. I had no intentions of ever having an A. He just sorta happened.

Yes, sometimes it is a headache because I have absolutely no idea what he is thinking/wanting. I'd say 75% of the time the starts the communication. And when he doesn't start the communication he is the one who starts the dirty texting, but he is also the first one to pull back. I obviously have feelings for him, but I'm not in love with him, nor do I ever hope to be with him. He's a fun play toy and that is all he ever will be. I know this and so does he.

We talked for a while yesterday - he initiated contact. Said something along the lines of "though I forgot about you?" because i hadn't heard from him for a few days and I didn't text/email him. I just came back at him with a sarcastic comment and was short/distant for the first few texts until he asked me if I was ok. Told him just didn't know where things were going and I was thinking.

I don't know if I could handle the full out physical side of an affair. I've never been there and I'm not positive I want to go there. He pushed for it in the very beginning, the first week or so, and I wouldn't give in because I have wanted to think about it.

I'm not totally positive he is ready for it either. At this point he wants to continue the texting/emailing - fine, whatever, but nothing further. I can deal with that as I'm not sure I'm ready to cross into full blown physical territory. We will see how things go in 3 months when we start our next project. I already told him I don't think we will have any problems because we have worked well together in the past. By the time we see each a bunch of weeks will have passed and we will go from there. I'm going to keep texting/emailing minimal and see where he goes with that.

I don't want much from him. Just some fun and I'm getting that - he's just so confusing on what he wants and that irritates me. Pick one side and stick to it. This wish washy stuff is enough to make a person crazy. I'm not ever quite sure how to respond to a text email because I'm not sure what side of the fence he is on that day. That is what irritates me. If I wanted the wish washy stuff I'd stay at home.

Thanks!