Aaargh this A stuff is so hard
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Aaargh this A stuff is so hard
| Tue, 06-22-2010 - 7:54am |
Brief recap- both married, A for 14mths, 2 break ups because he feels intensely guilty but we were back together within a week both times. The second time (4 mths ago) he wanted a more casual arrangement- he said the pressure to see each other weekly or call daily was really too much for him and he felt like his life was spinning out of control (he's a stress head about his work).
Now fast forward 4 mths and things are back to how they were pretty much. He contacts me every day (normally just a text), we see each other nearly every week, we have lovely afternoons of fun at hotels-where we lay and talk for hours

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Hi Stronger
Get a hold of those squirrelies! They are feeding off your insecurity and making you believe things that aren't necessarily true. You guys just came back from an enjoyable trip together and he has already said that he wants to do it again. Hold on to that. You have already said that he often feels guilty after you are together and backs off a bit (I know what that's like), so him not contacting you is normal.
All you can do now is just play it cool and let HIM come back to YOU when he is over the guilt. And he will come back to you. Then you can play it casual and act like it never bothered you.
I think as hard as it is, the more emotional we are and the more we obsess, the more power we give over to them and the more out of control we become in our own lives and our own heads.
This A stuff is very hard. I'm still sorting through it all myself and learning and I completely know what it's like to obsess over why they haven't contacted you.
Good luck stronger!
there is no quick and easy way.. i've been where you are at the beginning of my A, and in some ways, after a two-year still ongoing A, i am still somewhat there now and again if i let my mind wander.. yet, i've accepted where she's at, that what we have is all we'll ever have, and i have a choice in going along with it or saying no.. i've accepted that she doesn't control how i feel, what i do, i have control.. unless i give that to her.. so, at the end, i am happy as long as i let the A happen within its boundaries.. i've long ago accepted that at some point she'll leave, either on her own or to be back with her family.. we only enjoy the moments we can create.. nothing less, nothing more..
it takes a lot of discipline to have control over your emotions.. but the payoff is that you are amazed at yourself as to what you can accomplish once you set your mind to it.. and other times, yep, it truly does suck..
good luck..
Thanks Never and Lucy
Your advice is exactly what I know in my heart but bloody hell its hard.
So its now 1015am here and still no texts since the day before yesterday. I dont whether to text him a casual friendly hello or wait for him to contact me.
I know that he is probably suffering guilt and feeling pressured to keep me in his life (ie trying to keep two women happy). And I also know that he is flat out this week and very stressed with work. But still... I would NEVER not text him if I knew it would make him happy! Its almost like he is being stubborn and trying to show me that he is master of his life and doesnt have to contact me until he has time and space to do that.
i've had many moments as yours.. and the times i've waited for her to contact me worked out much better than the times i've contacted her.. when the other person is mentally ready and able to contact, that's a much better place to communicate than the other way around, especially in circumstances like this.. i've learned this the hard way, but it's paid off..
again.. it really sucks, doesn't it?
--
oh I weakend
Text and said Hope you are having a good day
Then 2 hrs later 'Havent heard from you- hope everything is ok'
FRIG! What a weak ass this thing has turned me intio.
I think its over- Im a mess.
ITA with Lucy.
anotherseyes
AWWW!!!
Hello again
Well he texted. Light and normal "hello princess (what he always calls me), stuff about his day and hopes my exam goes well Kisses.
Hi Stronger
I'm happy for you that he texted you back!
Here's what I've learned from other posts on this board though. As women, we desperately want to hear from the guy right after we see them. We need an affirmation that they are still thinking about us and want us and when we don't get that, we start obsessing and wondering why they aren't talking to us, what we've done wrong and whether they still like us.
But it SEEMS like guys don't start to kinda 'miss us' and want to contact us until a couple days later. But we read so much into those couple days of silence when it's really just natural and how it goes.
It sounds like you're reading a lot into his silence. You must try and stop yourself every time you catch yourself doing it!
He said he had a great time and wanted to do it again. Period. It's normal for him to be out of touch for a couple days, even though you want to hear from him. Period. You saying that you would never not text him if you knew it made him happy isn't relevant, period. You're not a man and he's not a woman so what you would do in this situation doesn't really apply. Period! He will come back to you and you will feel great and you will have another wonderful time together. Period.
That's how it goes!
Good luck. Hope that didn't sound harsh, I'm just trying to normalize things and also point out that what you think isn't necessarily the truth and it can be easy to read our own emotions and hangups into others' actions.
Hello there. I am new to this site and message board..
I have been reading over many posts and when I came across yours the similarities are almost a relief I'm sorry to say. I've had such a hard time with my A and looking for somewhere to talk about it. I'm so sorry your in this situation but I know exactly how you feel about the feelings of your AP...A year ago I was in the affair which was very intense with feelings being upfront including stating how in love we were. Long story short our spouses found out and we had no contact for quite some time. A few months ago we tried being just friends discreetly but soon it became physical again; however, he has made it clear that we can't have as much contact as we did before and that he wants things to be much less serious emotionally. He is worried that I want more from the relationship than he can give me (which I do but I have to be careful what I say to him-I'm sure we both understand that). I struggle with wanting more and knowing I should probably end the relationship, but I literally feel as if I can't... forever understanding that I will hurt more in the end. I do however know that he cares deeply for me but he tries to maintain a comfortable distance and he'll pull back sometimes..
Where do we go with this...I don't know...
I feel your pain tremendously..
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