bad day today

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2010
bad day today
9
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 4:35pm

Hi all,


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
In reply to: ali412010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 4:53pm

Hi Ali,


I am a SW too in a A with a MM. Although we are now "just friends." But what I learned from this was, it our situation for whatever reason the MM always holds the power, mostly because we gave it to them. Whenever I tried to enforce boundaries of any kind (such as you have done) it was NEVER met well. He always pulled back... which caued me to go insane and then take it all back and basically let him

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2010
In reply to: ali412010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 6:03pm

Hi wising,


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
In reply to: ali412010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 6:46pm

I'm sorry you're having a bad day, ali; many ((((hugs)))) to you!


FWIW, I think you've made the right decision.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2010
In reply to: ali412010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 7:06pm

thanks another,


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
In reply to: ali412010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 7:07pm

Exactly!


Just like another said... they went into the A same as we did. So WHY is it that us women have to suffer the brunt of the pain while the men expect us to just "manage" our emotions and see things their way. HELL NO... manage your inability to have emotions and I will manage mine and meet you in the middle mofo! <--- sorry, I get a little gangsta when I start talking about this, and I am the whitest girl you would ever meet so you can understand I am just a tad bit done with all this. :)


I spent a LOT of time meeting his needs, and taking nothing for myself which honestly brought me to the end of myself and the end of this A. I have nothing left to give. And you know what, I blame myself for allowing that. So whether it's in the name of love or whatever, don't dellude yourself to follow his lead mindlessly. And I know it's hard to even recognize when you are doing this because 1. They are excellent at twisting situations around and making us look "crazy." 2. We don't want to see them for who they really are, we would rather be oblivious and keep them around. <---Not sure why bc if they don't value your feelings they will just walk all over you.


I used to say all kinds of stuff that I needed/wanted from him and the A and it was always met with silence. Then I would go back. He has learned that if he just doesn't respond I will take it back and we'll be good. Don't get into that cycle and if you are there, end it by sticking to your word. In the end you will be glad you did.


On a whole other note, I will never understand why I allowed him to drag me into this A in the first place because it was one of the most soul destroying horrible four years of my life. I am finally starting to take my life back! So the advice I REALLY want to give is who cares what he responds... go find a man you can keep that will will trust. I finally realized that even if my AP decided to leave his wife for me, I would spend the rest of my life paranoid that he was cheating on ME. Think long and hard Ali, about what YOU want and what you'll be happy with.


Good Luck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
In reply to: ali412010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 7:43pm

You are a very smart woman wising,

You have hit the nail so very squarely on the head....I'm left with my jaw hanging open :0)

Maybe (hopefully) one day I will have the strength and self respect enough to say ENOUGH. I'm worth a whole lot more than this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
In reply to: ali412010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 10:28pm

Thank you, Bens! But I wouldn't necessarily call myself "smart" since it took me four years to accept this. It only took me a few months to figure it out, but I spent the rest of the time ignoring the truth that was knocking on my door.


I don't really know your story, but KNOW THIS... you may have fallen down the rabbit hole and it has taken you on a tripy ride, but there is always a way out and it happens one step at a time. So don't put all this pressure on yourself to change over night. I know a lot of women believe going cold turkey NC is the way to go but honestly that did not work for me. It only caused me a ton more pain and insanity. I had to work my way out of it one step at a time. Slowly starting to love and trust myself again. And even now I am "friends" with my AP in that I can contact him at any moment and he would respond. But I am choosing not to because right now I am focused on me. Your mind will play a lot of tricks on you but through this process and if you keep going you will find that the woman who emerges on the other side is a hellva bad ass. You will really dig her! :)


I believe in you girl! When you are ready... invest in what brings you happiness, peace and self respect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
In reply to: ali412010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 8:35am
I love your post, wisingup! You truly reflect your user name, and have a lot of wisdom there. Keep posting!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
In reply to: ali412010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 11:41am

Thank you, CL!


It's been a rough four years for me. I am finally just starting to get a grip and when I read things that seem so familiar my heart breaks and I get angry that so many people are hurting each other this way. A's are so deceptive in that they seem like a fix to a problem at first.... and then quickly become THE problem.


Thanks for all your insight as well.