Getting much harder, so in love with AP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Getting much harder, so in love with AP
7
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 12:52am

This just keeps getting harder... brief recap...


Both married. Work together. Best friends for the past 4 yrs. No kids. A has been going on 4 months.


We see eachother every day at the office, sit next to eachother, and work together on a number of projects. We are two of the most respected individuals at the company, both do really well there. We travel a lot, lately together, which is when the A started.


We are not unhappy in our marriages, but have never been happier than we are when we are together. I have never felt the feelings I have for him for anyone. The A is killing us because we have both come to the conclusion that we are meant to be together, that we are connected in a way that we can't ignore and can't imagine our lives without eachother. We realize it's 'new' but it doesn't feel new, it feels like we have been together for years. We are comfortable and passionate about eachother and are on exactly the same page.


Our SO's are great people, and the four of us are good friends. We've gone on trips together and spend a lot of free time together. The only thing keeping us apart is them. We can't bear the thought of what this will do to them and know they deserve so much more. It's heartbreaking. I know I want to be with him but I also know that I'm not ready to walk away from what I have with my H. He feels the same way about his W. We are both hoping for a miracle I think, he even threw out the idea that our SO's were having an A with eachother, and how great it would be if that was the case. So NOT the case... :) Ugh. We both feel awful, that we could do this, but at the same time have never felt so incredible than when we do when we are together.


He wants to come clean, I'm not convinced that's the best option. We've pretty much decided our options are to either come clean or to leave our SO's b/c we are not in love with them anymore, and then come together. We don't want to stop and can't stop.


How does this happen?!? What should we do? How do two good people (I like to think of myself as a good person) get themselves into a predicament like this? Why is it so complicated?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 1:11am
Oh, boy, I don't know the answers but I just wanted to say that I sympathize with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 1:39am

Wow...what a situation. I have not experienced a work affair. In one way its great because you get to see your AP EVERYDAY!!!!! How awesome...I only get to see mine once a week and thats tough.


However, I will share a few thoughts that came to my mind. Not sure if its advice but here goes:


1. First of all, if you two are as crazy about each other as you say, you better be careful. No matter how discreet you are, people will notice. Hell, there is always some busybody gossip in the office that will actually make stuff up about people and if you two linger with each other too long or glance at each other too much, so nosy jealous person will notice it. I guarantee it! So becareful and consider transferring to a different dept.


2. You contradicted yourself in your post. First you said " I am unwilling to give up what I have with my H" then you said that your AP and you don't love your SOs. So if you don't love your H, what is it that your not willing to give up. Your lifestyle, financial arrangement. Do you have kids. I think you and AP need to figure that out. Actually, you need to figure it out for yourself. How would you feel if you left your M and AP didn't . Would you be ok being alone?


3. Maybe you should go to counseling to help you figure out what you want. Four months is not a long time and your feelings for your AP may change over time, especially if you too end up facing challenges.


4. PLEASE don't get caught. You would lose both your marriage and your job. A double whammy.


Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 3:21am

pm_owl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 9:30am

It IS complex. Probably one of the MOST complicated A's I've seen here (lucky you for getting THAT award LOL). Work A's are very complicated because if the A gets found out, it totally messes up your work situation. A's with a husband of your friend, or a friend of your husband, are very tricky/complex - and yours is BOTH.

You've gotten good advice here from janejosie and pm_owl. I honestly have nothing to add, except a welcome to MAS, and good wishes for everything to work out eventually! Keep posting!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 12:27pm
I love my H, I'm just not IN love with him.




Why is this a such a common & repeated line we see in these kind of posts almost like a script ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 6:23pm

Lucky me! It does seem to be one of the more complicated situations on the board from what I can tell. Fun times.


We spend so much time together it's insane. When we aren't together, people ask where he is or where I am. We tell each other more than we tell anyone. I have loved many men in my life, and never felt the passion and respect that I feel for him. I cannot think about anything else. I'm really losing my mind.


The four of us are going golfing and hanging out tomorrow. It's better than going away for the whole weekend like we'd originally planned. We are also going on at least two more trips together, just us, in the coming weeks. I constantly ask him, do you think this will get old? Will I stop wanting to be with you as much as I do? Will I stop wanting you so much? His response is always, no, it won't get old, it just keeps getting stronger. He believes we are soul mates and meant to be together.


What does that mean? Is it really possible for a realationship to start and then survive if an affair is the foundation? I mean, we have years of friendship supporting this, but I guess my question is, am I kidding myself that us being together is even a possibility? Or is this just a stupid fantasy? I feel like I know happiness and fulfillment now, and to walk away from it or ignore it is just not an option. I'm so selfish... ugh.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 1:30am

There is a really good book you should read called "When Good People have Affairs". I read it two months into mine and it has some good advice. Basically - do NOT admit to an affair. What's the point - all it's going to do is hurt everyone.

Here's what I'll tell you because I'm in the same boat basically - difference with me is that both of us have been married 17 years and do have kids. We both agree we love our spouses but the in love part is not nearly as strong. What we agreed to is that IF we do decide to leave our marriages to be together, we will NEVER admit that it's over an affair. We will leave for other reasons. If people know you had an affair, people will judge your partner and there will be a lot of emotions.

If you leave - the decision to leave your marriage has to STAND ALONE! Yes the affair is exciting but you should only leave if you would be leaving anyway.

The other thing I will tell you is that you should wait. Affairs are so exciting, emotions are over heightened. I know that in the course of 7 months, I've gone from being in love to being able to walk away to being back in love...it's a roller coaster. I do love my OP but the luxury of taking my time has allowed me to see some of his faults. One of them being financial - he's a huge risk taker with money. He makes a LOT of money but he also gambles - in the sense of taking financial risks. I'm not that way at all. He makes $200-400K a year, but I have more than him because I'm more stable and cautious. Anyway, what i'm saying is that the time with him has allowed me to see this and slow things down. I still love him and the sex is still mind blowing but this is something now I've accepted will take a long time to happen, if it does, because of things.