Feeling bad for AP + rant

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
Feeling bad for AP + rant
5
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 9:36am

It is AP's son's birthday. AP made a few phone calls and arranged for him to get the latest IPhone before release. He drove 2 hours to pick it up and two hours to drive back home to give it to his son, then two hours back to work.(His son is 20 but has severe anger and behavioral problems, has no friends and is sitting home all day). All his son said to him as a thank you was:'You f$%&ing a$$hole, fu%^& you you idiot dick' and other insults because AP picked out the 'wrong'cover for the phone.

I feel so bad for AP because his home life is so miserable and he is so unhappy. His wife is berating him constantly ("I am only staying with you because I am too old to find someone else" "I am disgusted with myself for staying with you' 'You ruined my entire life' 'I don't want to try separation because then you would never come back to me' etc. etc.)Then the constant house watch, email checks; the other week AP scratched his car, and even then she exploded saying you must have been cheating while you did that (WTF?). Now his wife wants him to call his girlfriend (from 30 years ago!) and put it on speaker phone so that she can listen and make sure they have never had an affair. How humiliating is that for all three involved???...How long can someone put up with all this BS..? Does he really want to live the rest of his life like this??

Things have been bad between them for a very very long time, but they have gotten awful the past few months. The other day AP told his therapist that he is seriously thinking of leaving, he does not think he loves his wife anymore and wants out. The therapist's reply: "Well, you should not be thinking like that just yet. Things are really bad right now". First of all, isn't that a therapist is not supposed to tell how you should feel/think? My AP was like, so then when should I be thinking like that, when things are good (which they have not been for a very long time)?. Duh..

AP's best friend has been telling him to get a divorce for years now. Anyway, I am just rambling here.

Amazing how people can cling to hell (all 3 of them; him, his son and his wife are completely miserable), just because they are afraid of change/be alone. :(

I wonder if he ever actually does leave her. (I know, I know, don't count on that etc. I dont deny I would like that,;-) but I am also asking it from a neutral outsider point of view; do people actually stay married and live in this heel till they die??)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 11:03am

Instead of feeling bad for AP, I would wonder is he a man or a mouse? His son and his W both treat him like dirt (at least according to his account). He lets them do this. He lets his therapist tell him how to feel and

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 11:49am

i agree with you, snow.. as i was reading the post, i felt like "that dude needs some brand new cojones, 'cause the ones he's got have expired".. there's no need whatsoever for him to take any of that abuse...


it is true that he's not alone in this type of a situation though.. many other people also take this kind of abuse and stay.. we have many examples of this on the board.. and just as many reasons/excuses/justifications to go along with the anectodes..


if i were him, first,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2009
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 2:09pm

We teach people how to treat us...........


I agree with the Other Posters....its mostly his fault. His son should never have

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 5:24pm

I always have a tough time with APs who complain about their spouses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 9:47pm

Yeah, I never understood the 'waiting in line for some newly released electronic gadget'BS either.

See, the complicated thing is that his son is mentally ill, that is why he is still living at home (he has been hospitalized 6 times etc). This makes it more difficult for AP to leave his family (he does not use it as an excuse, this is my addition). Also, I think caring for a disabled kid can keep parents together who would have normally separated a long time ago.

In general, I disagree with you about not feeling bad for people who let other people treat them like dirt. People who have grown up abused became accustomed to that treatment (or see 'battered woman syndrome') and it is very sad, and I do feel bad for them.

However, in AP's case it is of course a different story and dynamics. If he would have been bitching about this for years while not doing a thing about it, I eventually would get really irritated and would lose respect for him and take the 'you deserve it if you don't take any steps to change the situation'.

However, I have only known AP for 2 months and things have only gotten this bad and insane with his wife about 4 months ago, so everything is really shaky right now. It is good for him to have me in his life, but I don't blame him for not leaving just yet. His best friend has been telling him to get a divorce for a while. I have been telling him than even if things would not work out between us for any reason, he is an awesome person (very handsome too) and would find a very fine woman who would adore him in no time. Life is too short to live in a hell like this. We'll see what happens, I will keep you guys posted! I wonder if eventually his wife will kick him out, though she seems to cling to him for dear life (while simultaneously berating him for everything...strange dynamics..whateve')