I have a confession to make -

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
I have a confession to make -
5
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 9:38pm

Gosh…I don’t know where to start. For those of you who know my story I have been involved with a SG for 8 months now. It has only been physical once…when we had a weekend away. Since that time, he has pulled away more…we still text and talk on the phone, but recently it has been getting less, and he doesn’t initiate at all.


Before I had this A, I never thought I would have one. I thought I was happily married, if not settled with everything. But this opened my eyes…and I have to admit…I am addicted to the highs and good feelings that having an A can bring. Not so much the lows and bad feelings…but I have an addictive personality and obviously something is lacking…just not sure what.


So…with things dying between my LDA person, I decided to seek out something else. I joined AM and received tons of responses.

LouLou
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 7:32am
First of all, I sure don't judge you at all loulou. Yes, affairs can be addictive - not just the A itself, but HAVING an A can be addictive. When I broke off my first A, I soon went into a second one to distract myself from the pain of leaving the first. Does this make you a serial cheater? Maybe. Is this worse than being a "single time" cheater? First of all, those that say "I would never do this again, it's only because it's HIM, etc. etc." are usually in their first A so they really don't know whether they would do it again or not. If we could talk to people who have had affairs, it would be interesting to see how many had one A and never had another after that one was over (and I'm talking about married people having an A - for sure I do believe single people who swear they will not get involved in an A with a MP again have more motivation to stick to that promise to themselves).



Secondly, there are those who condemn someone looking for an A as opposed to it "just happening". First of all, it never "just happens", you have to slowly break some rules along the way before it "just happens" - lots of choices along the way about having inappropriate conversations, seeing where it's heading but continuing to go forward, etc. I think going ahead and looking is kind of honest in a way - you know what you want and you go after it. It also prevents you from having an A with someone that makes it much more complicated - a friend's H, or a co-worker (or boss!), etc.

That all said, it still makes me nervous. I'm not sure how webcaming makes you feel more certain that he's not a serial killer. Ten Bundy was a good looking, articulate, well dressed professional looking guy! Do you think serial killers look deranged LOL? They look like anyone! And they can be very patient. They can wait a really long time, acting normal and innocent, for their chance. Some are killers of "chance" or circumstance - someone is just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But others choose their victims and plan and wait for their time. Please be careful!! Make sure someone you trust knows what you're doing and where you're going. Make sure you check in with that person - in front of this guy - mentioning exactly where you are - maybe even saying something like "Oh yeah, he's cute, brown hair, green eyes, about 5'9"... yeah we're at the Green Lady Cafe in Springfield... " If he had evil intentions, that should kill it (no pun intended). And yes, make sure you meet at a public place, and if you get ANY strange feelings about him, don't talk yourself out of it with "logic". Make sure the person who knows, also knows that if they don't hear from you in a predetermined amount of time that they should call the police.



Most likely it will be fine but it's better to be prepared. Also, you should make it that this first meeting will not lead to sex - that you just want to meet him in person and see how you click. This will take the pressure off, and it could turn out, no matter what he looks like, that you just have no chemistry with him. Trust me on this one, after years in "cyberland", I saw people "fall in love" online on message boards and when they met there was no chemistry. Chemistry is a very physical thing that has to do with pheromones, etc., and you don't want to feel pressured into having sex with someone that just doesn't do it for you.



OK enough of "mama Lexi". My other instruction is to tell us exactly when you're going and report back when you get back! LOL! My biggest concern is your safety.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 10:28am

Hey loulou!

Definitely no judgements here either. In fact, I can relate to a lot of what you just wrote! First, yes there is something addictive about As. Especially when there is something lacking in your life, As seem like a way to fill that void (whether your M is missing love, attention, sex, conversation, whatever). That's me; I love my BF but am missing something in my life, so I get into As. Also, I am a serial cheater, absolutely. The thing is though, I don't know if I can ever be with just one person. I wonder if I will always stray, despite how much love I feel for my BF, and DH if we were to marry (and I want to marry him).

So here's what I wanted to put out there, and is where I am at right now. Where does the pressure and judgement to 'be faithful' and 'not cheat' come from? Society basically. There is this intense societal pressure to 'meet someone you like, fall in love, get married, and be with that person for the rest of their life'. And maybe that's realistic for some, but I think for many others, it is far from reality! You might love that person, but how can they satisfy ALL of your needs for your entire lives? I could rant for longer but I believe it all ties into religion and the 'sanctity of marriage', conservative values, etc etc. So others deciding for all of us what is 'normal' for us and what should be judged. I'm not trying to defend As or justify them, but I just want to try and encourage all of us to think broader and not judge ourselves so harshly. Others judge us because they have been socialized to accept these values as good and right, while those that take another path (like us in As) are judged to be evil, wrong, and homewreckers.

But like most of us know, it is never black and white, good and bad. It is always a mix.

Anyway loulou, I think the position you in is a lot more normal and understood than you might first think. You are definitely not alone! And funny enough, when my A was in a rough patch and I was thinking it was over, I thought the same thing, about joining AM and finding someone without the hangups of my AP. So you're looking for something, something that you're not getting in your relationship. That pretty much describes all of us here! So welcome and you are in good company :)

I don't think I really answered anything in your message, oops, I just wanted to make a couple comments. Good luck! Oh, and is there any one you can tell about where you are going to meet this AM guy, just in case????? Safety first.....

Have fun!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 2:41pm

Hi loulou,

Nothing "sordid" about what you are doing.. it's the right thing to do for you. It really is.

I met AP through AM as well, and that was almost year and a half ago.. so, if you end up with someone right for you, where they come from matters little..

Having said that, all the comments about safety are paramount.. AP and I, like you, spend a lot of time communicating.. and gave each other info about our real lives that can be checked online or via a phone call.. we knew where we lived, worked, etc.. so, you need to make sure you have all the info you need on him available to you w/o any excuses..

Telling a friend about this is safer.. short of that, do schedule your day so you are not out of public view right away.. spend some time outdoors, dining, shopping, etc to get a sense of him.. I think you are smart enough to sense danger, if there is any.. besides, it's always fun to see a guy pretending to be interested while the woman shops..

Good luck, have fun..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 2:51pm

Hey Loulou!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 4:22pm

Thank you for all of the replies...it was good to hear all of your opinion's and know that I am NOT alone in this; and not insane...or a totally horrible person!


That being said...I do not have ANYONE that I can tell in RL about this. So...question...is there anyone who could be my phone buddy, or even

LouLou