New here..it has ended..what to do :(?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2010
New here..it has ended..what to do :(?
4
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 10:08am
discussion title:  Time again for roll call!
emoticon: 
message #:  57723.25 in response to 57723.24
replies:  25
from:  tnsnew
to:  ALL
date:  9:41 am
Well..I figured I would post my story however sad it is to say he just ended our relationship yesterday which I'll mention at the end...
I am a 39 yo MW with 2 children in an A with 48 yo MM...we met over a year ago on Ashley Madison not really knowing what to expect as we were both new to this-I was moreso just curious at the time because nobody would ever believe I would do something like this (as most of us I'm sure). Long story short we fell in love and felt as if we were soulmates...saw each other almost every day and it was a very intense relationship..thoughts of even being with each other some day. We struggled at times because he is a religious man and he did have some guilt at times. My husband ended up finding out and it changed everything...I wrote his wife a letter telling her because I didn't think it was fair that I was in so much pain (very selfish on my part I know). I continued to try to contact him because I didn't want it to end. My H and I had started counseling as we still struggle to this day. At the end of the year last year I saw him at the mall and we spoke..he had a card for me and we started seeing each other for coffee occasionally (as friends even though I wanted much more). Well, it became much more however he was pretty adament about it being very different this time in that we couldn't have the R we had last year...see each other much less and it needed to be much more casual. For the past several months I have been unhappy with this as I need more and it hasn't been pleasant feeling like FWB...however he said it wasn't like that and that he has deep feelings for me but that he just couldn't give more. This week I went into one of my down modes and unfortunately brought it up to him...huge mistake! Here is my post from another thread:
discussion title:  The Bi-Weekly Time to End it Post
emoticon: 
message #:  57733.12 in response to 57733.11
replies:  12
from:  tnsnew
to:  ALL
date:  8:13 am
Hi..
Well, my fear has come true and I am devastated. It's all my fault for bringing up all of these emotions I have been feeling. I think I pressured him to the point of making this decision. He has said that the guilt and the desire to do the right thing has become more powerful than the pain our relationship has had...he says he doesn't want to put us through this again. What am I to do? I am a mess and hy H has already asked what's wrong and if I want to talk about it. Should I try to convince him to stay in the relationship?...I'm sure not! I have a feeling he won't come back ever either because he says he will never hurt me again like this and he will will fight the desire to see me with a passing thought for as long as he has to--I guess I truly believe him this time.
I guess I need to move over to EAS...unless being my pitiful self anybody has advice how I can keep the relationship alive :( :( :(
Should I tell him I will be here when he's ready to come back? I feel like if I don't tell him that, he won't because that will make him fight it more...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 10:58am
I'm so sorry you're going through this tnsnew! (((hugs))) to you. Any of us would be devastated too. It is not your fault for bringing up how you feel and what you were hoping for. You laid out how you feel, on the line. He chose to react the way he has. You couldn't live with the relationship the way it was, and it wasn't going to change. It was going to continue to bring you down and sap your esteem and energy. If you didn't ask for what you needed, it would have never changed. If he can't give you what you needed, then it's good that he has ended it. I know that you don't see it that way right now, because you're in that stage of hurt where any relationship with him seems worth it just to end the pain you're in right now. But you will see it differently just a little way down the road - trust me!



Do not tell him you will be there when he's ready to come back. You have no idea how you're going to feel in a year, or even in a month - so do not make promises you can't keep. Leaving the door open like that would also delay your ability to heal from this. You will be waiting for a very long time before you will really give him up in your heart, if you expect that he will return someday. Shut that door completely behind you. A cleaner break is always easier to heal from!



No advice here on "keeping the relationship alive". In my opinion he's done you a great kindness by breaking it off - he's actually putting your feelings above his own desires - I'm sure it would be better for him to have you than not have you, but he's willing to let you go in order for you to heal from your hurts (caused by him).



At least lurk on the EAS boards, even if you don't feel ready to post. Especially read "the healing library". There's a wealth of information there that can truly help you right now!



More (((HUGS))), keep us updated on how you're feeling!



Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 2:10pm
Thank you for your words of wisdom and as much support as you can give. I'm not doing well at all.
The other part of the puzzle makes it even harder...I have struggled with my feelings for my husband for quite some time now. I not only have to deal with this but my husband knows something is wrong and I have to try and fight my depression over this...try to fake it with him. I have wanted passionate, adoring, intimate feelings to come back for him but they just haven't....
I'm stuck...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 1:01am

Hi,


I think you should go back and reread your post. It sounds like the A was hard for your AP too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 2:31am

I think you should be proud of yourself for being honest with him.