what would you say? your list?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
what would you say? your list?
10
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 8:22pm

trying to keep this short i swear!

3 year A with MM coworker/best friend (I'm S). After a promise of a date of leaving her, and then telling me he couldn't do it, I ended things... that was 2.5 weeks ago. He contacted me many times before I responded and one week into NC (giving the short version) and he says he got motivated about leaving her b/c he's miserable w/o me and threw out a new date (after the holidays). I said no, can't do this that long... and back to NC.

Today he's back again.. with a 'tell me what you want b/c I'm so miserable without you'. He wants to know what it takes for me to stay while he ends it (they are literally making the calendar and divvying up stuff now). our conversation got heated when I jumped back from a sexual advance (which started into the whole "if you think that's all i want from you.." argument.) Very heated argument and he says he was so mad that i'd be nice then rebuff him that he just didn't even want to be with the cold, walled-off me at all if he couldn't have the real me. I said fine - you want my list? Let's get together Wednesday and discuss my list: Rent papers. Divorce papers. Moving out before Thanksgiving. A commitment to finding more time to be with me. He said he thought that's what we were working out and that yes he could do some of those things but now he was too mad to talk about it any more and that if I wanted to extend the olive branch tomorrow, he'd listen.

I'm so mad... I know he's scared of losing his kid... and starting all over... but if he can't give me a date WHY should I sit through another holiday season w/o him? I can't think of one good reason he can't give me a date... can you? He says he doesn't think he can give me a firm date (w has asked what the hurry is).

I've written out what I want to say and am thinking of just giving it to him tomorrow - which is basically that I need proof after being let down before that he is actually going through with it before i open my heart and my future to him again.

why do we feel guilty for standing up for ourselves?

i think what i want to say is... i don't want to commit to someone who can't commit to me (a date, papers, etc).

what do you guys think? thanks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 8:35pm

He still sounds really confused about what he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 8:45pm

He's already proven to you that setting a date is worthless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 9:30am

I think your list is right on target and reasonable if he wants a future with you.


My big question would be if they are truly dividing things up and making plans to end it

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 9:57am

So, are you staying with him or leaving? The things you gain from leaving (self worth, fresh start, open relationship, not lying to friends, clear conscience, modeling for your child, etc) outshine any empty promise he can ever make. You've been in this A for 3 years, he's probably not ever leaving. What I would tell him is that you'll give him until Thanksgiving, that's 2.5 months, for him to be moved out and set up on his own, with visitation with his kids in place and the divorce papers filed with a final date on the courts calendar. I would tell him that I would wait for him that long. But I would not be involved at all in the process. So sorry, Charlie, but he's gonna have to stand on his own 2 feet to get this process started. When he's out of the family home, split from his wife, and fully in process, then he can contact you again. Until then, you will both consider this relationship "on hold" with neither of you seeing anyone else. You can wait that long to find out, you've already invested 3 years in this guy, give him until Thanksgiving to work out his details. Let him know that as of Nov 24, if he hasn't followed through on his promises, this relationship is no longer on hold, but is over completely and that no further contact from him will be necessary or accepted. Be clear on this point. No contact until he's settled and no contact if he doesn't follow through. You deserve better than this. He can get as pissed as he wants. He needs to treat you with dignity and respect through this process and he needs to treat his wife with dignity and respect as well. Him leaning on you while she is going through the hardest thing in her life is unfair to her. Ask him how he'd feel if she suddenly took up with a new man, before he even moved out, because the process was too painful to go through alone. How would he feel if she was seeing another man all this time but was too scared to leave the marriage? How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? He screwed up big time in his marriage, he needs to have some compassion for his wife now as well as compassion for you. He's got 2 women on a string, asking them both to take care of all his needs. Frankly, 1 man has no idea what to do with 1 woman, no way can 1 man take care of the needs of more than 1 woman! LOL


Stand firm, be kind, but take care of you. He's not going to. And if he gets pissed at your meeting, just get up and walk away. He's not worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 10:47am

Been in a similar situation as yours, though we didn't really have set dates. Our R kind of dissolved after both D's, we are still friends to this day.

My take on all that you wrote is that, maybe, for the sake of you, him and his family, it's best to continue with NC. Yes, he's doing all this "for you", yet, would he do it if you were not in the picture? Too late for that at this point, but, maybe you can bring some sort of sanity to all this by keeping NC going until he's truly done. You can, then, always say, even just to yourself, that this choice was his alone and he went through it himself, you didn't make him get a divorce and/or break up his family.

These things take time, and I think that's why keeping NC is a good thing. Right now, he's at the beginning of the road. By the time it's all said and done, he'll learn a lot about himself, and when/if he gets back to you after all this, you'll get a better sense of where he really stands, who he really is.

Yes, he won't have your support through his D if you are on NC, but that's a double edged sword anyway. For me, the benefits of NC outweigh the disadvantages.

For everyone's sake, my call is just to keep NC going until he's all done.

Good luck and do keep us posted.

--

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 4:27pm

HI Konline,


I think you are right in the way you handled the situation. After the holidays are over he's going to extend it yet again and then what? How much longer are you going to continue waiting? Why would he want you alone for the holidays another year? I say if he's willing to give you what you want then you are right in asking for proof. A reciept or some type of paper work that he started the process. Those broken promises he can't blame you

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


<

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 8:20pm

You guys all rock... thank you. We're going to talk tomorrow...

I know I gave you the short version so to answer a few questions:
- MM says he's not rushing because a) he's worried about raising her red flags about us and making the divorce and our future a nightmare - I could write a book on her craziness - and b) is not ready to not see his kid every day but is coming to terms with it
- I'd like a deadline of Oct 15... and I'd like to see proof - like divorce papers, even an email between them that talks about filing would be a start.
- NC while he's going through it will be hard if he's doing what I ask, the proof stuff.. and we work together, but LC is probably more reasonable.
- Nevereasy - he says he's leaving either way, he just wouldn't be putting a timeline on it w/o me. We'll see..

We agreed to both think about what we could do and talk tomorrow night...I just have to make sure I stand up for me & my kid... beause, to your point(s), he wont.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2010
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 11:31pm

Koline,


I was in a very sim situation but I was your AP and my S guy gave me the same conditions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2010
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 9:31am

Hi K..here is my advice..


Do not push him. If you push him to leave and he does, it could blow up in your face later on. He might feel guilty, he will think of his kid and then he will start blaming you. He will resent you for pushing him into something he didn't think he was ready for and in the end you will lose him.


Back off. Tell him to take his time, I think then you will get the results you want when he feels less pressure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 8:44pm

Update: we talked last night about how WE could do this together or not at all. He maintains he's going to leave with or without me, but wouldn't feel the urgency if I didn't exist. I said I just can't do the rollercoaster anymore... as much as I want to be there for him. I just can't commit to someone who can't commit to me.

He promised to have the "let's settle on a move out date" talk with her this weekend... and we talked about ways to make her feel more comfortable about it... like having her have control of custody specifics (days of week, they already know they want even split) and who moves out. He says this has the potential of going well, and meaning a soon moveout for him, or very poorly, in which case he wouldn't rush it so they could have an ongoing positive relationship for their kid forever, but he knows he'd lose me.

I feel like I've put my life on hold long enough... and I'm starting to resent him. And if that continues, there's no chance at all of us having a relationship later... you know?

Thank you so much for your advice... I'll keep you posted!