ended it today :(
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| Tue, 08-31-2010 - 3:57pm |
HI All.
Computer has been in the shop so not able to post. Trying to catch up with everyone.
Today was a big day...we ended it...I would say mutually except that I pretty much said enough is enough. The last few weeks have been...well the same rollercoaster as always... with no end in sight. He's up down and all around with the stuff going on in his marriage and his inability to compartmentalize. It's been a long 6 months coming. We have been having all these discussions it seems like every few days. So finally I called him on it ask what is really wrong. Why were we at such an impass...this should be so easy! He just said that he was struggling with guilt, and therapy and feeling like a bad person and on and on. That he wishes he could put things back to normal like they used to be for us. For myself...I'm to the point where I am not getting what I need from any of this and he knows it. I have given him all a can. All I wanted was a special person, a lover, lust, respect and friendship and he cannot provide it now. It was really starting turn me into a person I did not recognize. While I hear what he says and can wrap my head around it somewhat..I know I would and have handled it so differently. The point is no longer WHY he can't show me affection it's just that he isn't and I'm miserable either way. Might as well be miserable on my own with out taking on his stuff....
Anyway, our last lunch was actually really sweet. He said "you know I love you". He agreed with everything I said regarding ending things, but with one caveat. That we stay in touch and that he can call me next week and hopefully he can get his sh!t together by then (a week!!! I don't think so...)and be able to be the lover I need him to be. He said he hoped to have the opportunity to woo me back. I wish that were true. He would not say goodbye...only talk to you later. We hugged a long time. I did call him later and told him I am tossing the gophone. It's dead and has no money so I did not want to charge it. ( i saved texts on it I do not want to read again). He sounded awful and said you know I'll hunt you down. Said he was really sad and I said me too. He said I'll call ya next week. And that was it. It's over. At least it has to be in my head. I can't hold out hope that he will change his way of thinking. I have to operate like it's really done. BUt I feel like my heart has been ripped out. THAT siad..I know I was miserable the other way too. I wish he'd been a jerk today...it would have been so easy.
I would have loved for this to work. But I think we approach this A so differently. I hope he comes back but I guess I'll be preparing for him not to. Cheers my dears....

((HUGS) chechi...Wow...you handled things quite well :) Been through a "let's try to end it", but I didn't have your resolve. You sound so at peace w/ your decision... GOOD for you!
Sometimes enough is enough, and I liked what you had to say about being miserable alone and not having to take on another's burdens as well...very well said. Best wishes in the coming days...
That's the first time he said it?
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
Cechi I am struggling today with whether I should end my A in person, by text or email, or just drop away. I know my preference is face to face but I just dont know when I'll see him again.
Your amazing story inspired me to end it with respect, face to face, and I'll tell him how I feel. Only because thats what is true for me and will make me feel ok about it in the sad weeks to come.
Gosh your story is lovely. I actually hope he doesnt come back sweetheart. This up and down part of affairs with guilty men is so hard.
I think Janey is right- women contemplate what they are getting into and men barge in, and then cant handle the feelings that get churned up. Im not sure I really want a man who can control those feelings :) but the alternative to having an A in such a hot/cold manner is too hard for me anyway.
Big hugxxxxx
aw iggs...I would have ended it on the phone if I had to. Something had to happen. And we have been almost there for weeks even months now. You know it may even have been easier...he was very attentive and loving yesterday during the actual breakup, more than he has been in months. That made it even harder because again I was second guessing myself. Was I doing this prematurely? Should I be more patient? Remembering him holding me and me crying my eyes out as I ended it is what's killing me today. In some ways the phone would have been better. Hang up and poof! he's gone. If your AP can't even meet up for a face to face break-up I not sure he deserves it!
Jane & Lexi --I know it's the best thing. I'm just so sad right now. I wish that he could have been as affectionate as he was yesterday weeks ago...we would not have been in this situation. I've spent a good portion of this year upset about things he WOULD not do or say. As you know I have obsessed about everything here. I hate this person I have become. I would love to have back what we had. We did have some good years even though this one sucked. It just started slipping away. I hope some time and space will help him sort out his issues. He's just not a happy man right now, not because of me, as hard as I tried to make him happy, he's just not himself either. All things that I can't fix. :( God knows I tried! I was a strong shoulder for him, an ego stroke and great sex. That's pretty much all I can be and he couldn't even get in to that. He did the best he could. Was never mean. Still always made plans and called everyday. He was trying to keep me on hold. Just going through the motions. He didn't want this either. BUt I could tell that he was tormented. And now I feel awful because he feels awful. Why now after 4 years? Beats me. Thought we were long past any guilt issues.
Not sure what's going to happen. Going to take care of me this week and weekend. Talk to him next week but with no hopes, really. If he can work out the issues that have caused this much pain in one week I will be SO pissed! Not doing THIS again. If he would like to "woo" me back again like he said, he's got his work cut out for him. That's the only way I will know. I would love things to work. But I love me too.
Chechi, your situation is so similar to me!! My AP also texts evry day, or calls, he seems to say and do just enough to keep me here.
eliza--thanks so much for the kind words...Not feeling all that strong even though today is a better day. A little less tears. Just can't keep our last conversation out of my head. Welcome to the board. I am a sporadic poster, more of a lurker type. But have gotten great care on this board.
iggy--it's the hardest thing I've ever done short of putting my dog to sleep. LOL...feels the same kinda. You know you did the right thing but man does it still hurt. In some ways I feel like I have abandoned him when he needed me, but in other ways I'm mad that I had to walk away to find out how he really felt, and what a mess he really is. He just couldn't stop me. he would have drug me on forever. Until we hated each other, because I would have really lost my temper and said something awful. . He has SOOOOO many issues right now. If we ever have another heart to heart..I think I will suggest an anti-depressant. Not what he wants to hear I know...he's fighting it. BUT...it does help you clear your head enough to make some decisions, not about me but his life. He's just miserable all over the place. Anyway, they helped me a lot in the past then i went off. Started again a few months ago when I was just miserable...I think they gave me the clarity, not the strength, to make the decision I just did. God knows I want him to come back but only on MY terms now.
alright...will stop blabbering.
xo