I see this over and over findfreedom. Independent, self confident women become needy and weak in affairs. It seems geared to bring out that aspect. I'm sure a therapist could tell us why, but it creates some sort of "need" for the AP that makes most women very needy. And then that creates low self esteem - knowing that they've become so needy!
You CAN create distance, even if you feel like you need him so much. Men are fascinated by women who have a rich full life that they enjoy. If you could find some passions to really engage you you would be able to have AP be in the proper place in your priorities. If working isn't possible, what else can you do, that you really enjoy, to take up time and maybe become AS important as AP?
You mentioned looking for a therapist - that could certainly help also. Call your insurance co. and see how you would go about it. Don't worry about telling a therapist about your A - you don't have to do it the first session. Wait till you feel comfortable.
Let us know what the insurance co. says!
Proud to be a
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
How I can relate to you on ALL levels. I feel EXACTLY as you do = (. H is suspicious but he says he has no proof. He said he feels I'm seeing someone but don't end my marriage because I don't want to come off as the "bad" one. Little does he know that's not the reason. I do love him, I'm just caught up in a situation that feels beyond my control sometimes.
We have control of this Freedom we just have to find the strength in us because we do have it. I have never been so needy and dependant on someone emotionally like this either but this A is killing me slowly. Try to keep busy and distract yourself as much as you can. You should see my house is spotless, I can't stand still for if one second goes by and he enters my mind I go crazy. Try to have positive and happy thoughts even when you can't find it, look at your beautiful kids. You can't continue this way because its not good for you mentally and eventually it will effect your health. Your H is already asking questions just like mine. Get it together, keep your head up and find that strong woman again. Don't let this A define
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I know we are in a similar situations. I know what a difficult time you are having right now. I can only hope that some day I will be as strong as you are and end my R with AP.
I do try to stay busy, but no matter what I do, AP is still on my mind. Cleaning, cooking and doing laundry
My A is 18mths long. It was so intense at start but gradually slowed down a lot- he is busy a lot. But he keeps me hooked and my addiction rages. I was never like this before.
I have drafted a 'lets meet tio talk' email, but now based on my thread separately- I have taken Lexi's advice and drafted the whole thing in an email. i want so badly to end it, but I need the strength to push 'send'
Hi Freedom, like the others who have posted to your discussion, I am also in the same situation. I guess the only thing different is that I haven't allowed my feelings and emotions to overtake me...privately, yes, but not so much that H and my children are noticing. I have been on the depression track before after my son was born. It is a very dark and lonely place, one that I do not want to go back down. I have mentally prepped myself for my A to be over for good - the emotions seem to be in check, but the libido is in overdrive. I know my AP has not been the kindest to me during this A...I mean, he isn't the most sensitive man but he did realize that talking about that Nicole girl bothered me, so he had toned that down a bit. The thing I am learning the most about having gone through this A is how to really look out for me. That said, I am looking for ways to improve ME...doing things I enjoy, exercising (that is a biggy when you are trying to stay clear of depression!), and just savoring the little things. I am turning 40 in a few months and I want to be happy...happy to be who I am and the "me" I am learning more about every day! I don't need an A to be happy. AP is a drug. Not good for me. It is high time that I do what is good for me. And the time to start is NOW!! Freedom, you can get back to that lost "me". What you need is a big hug (I am sending you a cyber-version) and steps forward...it is an addiction so the urge to go back will be strong. And you may mess up, but don't kick yourself. Each day is a new opportunity to do better and a chance to seek out what it is that makes you the happiest. :) and more chances to get further and further from a D-day! If it takes me years, I WILL finish my Masters Degree in Professional Counseling/Mental Health so that I can work with women's issues and marital problems so that I can offer help to others. Having gone through an A and then realizing that this is not bringing happiness could be an essential tool in providing empathy to someone else going through it! Be thinking of me, too...I am in the NC zone and have already messed that up. But, tomorrow is a new day! And I am seeing less and less of a friendship with AP...I always hoped we had one that would last, but it is a hollow shell. Nothing there but the sex. I really don't need that complication in my life. Now's the time for me and H to go away together!! :) take care of you, Freedom. And keep me updated, please. I shall do the same! ;)
Thank you all for your replies. At this point of time, your support is what is giving me the strength to move forward. I had a bad night, was able to sleep for maybe 3 hours only; I just couldn't stop thinking about AP and wondering if he will cancel our date for today. I know I sound pathetic, but it's so hard to control your thoughts at night. So this morning I felt so down until I read all your messages. Your words of support and understanding gave me enough strength to collect myself and get my emotions under control. I don't know how this day will go, but I will do my best to stay strong, busy and control my thoughts. I already scheduled an appointment for a physical and will ask for a referral to see a therapist.
Thank you all for your (((hugs))). They mean a lot. I am giving you mine in return as a thank you and in support of your bad and good moments.
DONT go back to AP !! You have taken the step to cut that man out of your life,it will hurt initially but the pain will go away.You are going to get deeper and deeper with him or end it soon again.If you end,its for the best BUT if you dont,the emotional bond will get stronger to cut off.
I see this over and over findfreedom. Independent, self confident women become needy and weak in affairs. It seems geared to bring out that aspect. I'm sure a therapist could tell us why, but it creates some sort of "need" for the AP that makes most women very needy. And then that creates low self esteem - knowing that they've become so needy!
You CAN create distance, even if you feel like you need him so much. Men are fascinated by women who have a rich full life that they enjoy. If you could find some passions to really engage you you would be able to have AP be in the proper place in your priorities. If working isn't possible, what else can you do, that you really enjoy, to take up time and maybe become AS important as AP?
You mentioned looking for a therapist - that could certainly help also. Call your insurance co. and see how you would go about it. Don't worry about telling a therapist about your A - you don't have to do it the first session. Wait till you feel comfortable.
Let us know what the insurance co. says!
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
Freedom,
How I can relate to you on ALL levels. I feel EXACTLY as you do = (. H is suspicious but he says he has no proof. He said he feels I'm seeing someone but don't end my marriage because I don't want to come off as the "bad" one. Little does he know that's not the reason. I do love him, I'm just caught up in a situation that feels beyond my control sometimes.
We have control of this Freedom we just have to find the strength in us because we do have it. I have never been so needy and dependant on someone emotionally like this either but this A is killing me slowly. Try to keep busy and distract yourself as much as you can. You should see my house is spotless, I can't stand still for if one second goes by and he enters my mind I go crazy. Try to have positive and happy thoughts even when you can't find it, look at your beautiful kids. You can't continue this way because its not good for you mentally and eventually it will effect your health. Your H is already asking questions just like mine. Get it together, keep your head up and find that strong woman again. Don't let this A define
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
<
Hi Rayne,
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I know we are in a similar situations. I know what a difficult time you are having right now. I can only hope that some day I will be as strong as you are and end my R with AP.
I do try to stay busy, but no matter what I do, AP is still on my mind. Cleaning, cooking and doing laundry
Hi Freedom- another one in your boat
My A is 18mths long. It was so intense at start but gradually slowed down a lot- he is busy a lot. But he keeps me hooked and my addiction rages. I was never like this before.
I have drafted a 'lets meet tio talk' email, but now based on my thread separately- I have taken Lexi's advice and drafted the whole thing in an email. i want so badly to end it, but I need the strength to push 'send'
Ugh
like the others who have posted to your discussion, I am also in the same situation. I guess the only thing different is that I haven't allowed my feelings and emotions to overtake me...privately, yes, but not so
much that H and my children are noticing. I have been on the depression track before after my son was born. It is a very dark and lonely place, one that I do not want to go back down. I have mentally prepped myself for my A to be over for good - the emotions seem to be in check, but the libido is in overdrive. I know my AP has not been the kindest to me during this A...I mean, he isn't the most sensitive man but he
did realize that talking about that Nicole girl bothered me, so he had
toned that down a bit. The thing I am learning the most about having gone through this A is how to really look out for me. That said, I am looking for ways to improve ME...doing things I enjoy, exercising (that is a biggy when you are trying to stay clear of depression!), and just savoring the little things. I am turning 40 in a few months and I want to be happy...happy to be who I am and the "me" I am learning more about every day!
I don't need an A to be happy. AP is a drug. Not good for me. It is high time that I do what is
good for me. And the time to start is NOW!!
Freedom, you can get back to that lost "me". What you need is a big hug (I am sending you a cyber-version) and steps forward...it is an addiction so the urge to go back will be strong. And you may mess up, but don't kick yourself. Each day is a new opportunity to do better and a chance to seek out what it is that makes you the happiest. :) and more chances to get further and further from a D-day!
If it takes me years, I WILL finish my Masters Degree in Professional Counseling/Mental Health so that I can
work with women's issues and marital problems so that I can offer help to others. Having gone through an A and then realizing that this is not bringing happiness could be an essential tool in providing empathy to someone else going through it!
Be thinking of me, too...I am in the NC zone and have already messed
that up. But, tomorrow is a new day! And I am seeing less and less of a friendship with AP...I always hoped we had one that would last, but it is a hollow shell. Nothing there but the sex. I really don't need that complication in my life. Now's the time for me and H to go away together!! :)
take care of you, Freedom. And keep me updated, please. I shall
do the same! ;)
Hi Freedom,
I'm afraid I have relapsed = (. I'm so disappointed in myself and found myself back in his arms. UGh its so hard!!!
I'm really disliking myself right now. I need rehab! Amy Winehouse lol. Had to laugh at this one because I don't know what else to do.
Hope you are well! Keep your head up.
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
<
Thank you all for your replies. At this point of time, your support is what is giving me the strength to move forward. I had a bad night, was able to sleep for maybe 3 hours only; I just couldn't stop thinking about AP and wondering if he will cancel our date for today. I know I sound pathetic, but it's so hard to control your thoughts at night. So this morning I felt so down until I read all your messages. Your words of support and understanding gave me enough strength to collect myself and get my emotions under control. I don't know how this day will go, but I will do my best to stay strong, busy and control my thoughts. I already scheduled an appointment for a physical and will ask for a referral to see a therapist.
Thank you all for your (((hugs))). They mean a lot. I am giving you mine in return as a thank you and in support of your bad and good moments.
DONT go back to AP !! You have taken the step to cut that man out of your life,it will hurt initially but the pain will go away.You are going to get deeper and deeper with him or end it soon again.If you end,its for the best BUT if you dont,the emotional bond will get stronger to cut off.
DONT go back !!!
Hi Freedom,
It's amazing how similar your situation is to mine.
Hugs to you, freedom.