what a circus.
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| Thu, 09-02-2010 - 8:04pm |
Dear Everyone.
Thank you for your stories.
I'm single and (was) happy, otherwise!) And after communicating with with my dear married sweetheart every five minutes for the past 6 weeks, this is the first period of time I haven't heard from him in longer than that...because upon my observation that he's in no position to offer me what I'm looking for externally- he just decided to actually discuss this (separation/divorce) with his W!!!
(I'd love some thoughts on this, if any of you are available to offer...)
Background:
We work together occasionally. Spent huge amounts of time together earlier this summer due to our work circumstance and felt surprisingly inseparable. I truly didn't expect to hear from him after he got on the plane (to another country on the other coast where he lives), but little did I realize we'd be on the phone/email every 5 minutes after that.
He invited me to visit him last week, when we both happened to be free. So I actually went (!!!), and had the most beautiful time. For me, I just thought I needed to see where we were and if it were my imagination, etc...
Stunningly, I did get teary toward my final days, as he told me (as he had been) that he wasn't sure of his marriage-circumstance (though he said they'd been contemplating divorce (and at each others' throats) for a whopping FIFTEEN years), and that he was intending to wait it out. Whatever that means. I think it meant, deal with it until their teens were out of the house. And that it was an understanding of dealing (miserably) with each other until their children were grown.
On the way to the airport we continued to talk about this, and I told him that it was clear to me that he was no position to offer me what I'm looking for in terms of a relationship, etc- obviously due to the fact that he's NOT available, esp due to his inaction/apathy of 'still' being married! (Not that he didn't realize this- we'd been talking about it all along.) I found it absolutely devastating to have to be "hidden" and be so cloak-and-dagger about it all. I also tried to reason that we're "friends" (well, we were, but somehow it's undeniable that we have an extreme bonding metaphysical connection (but then again, doesn't everyone think that?) Ironically, he's been more emotionally available than anyone I've ever been with. I found it totally shocking to actually believe/realize/see that he had a W, let alone an entire family he tends to!
I thought this though in circles and did everything possible to not make it sound like some ultimatum (which I did say to him- as in, "this is *not* an ultimatum"- but during the time it took me to fly back home, he'd poured out so much, saying that he did want the chance to be with me, etc... and that he couldn't bear this complication any longer, esp knowing how we felt about each other. Melted my heart.
We love to think how logical/rational we are, but this just seems ridiculous on paper. I'm wondering whether he's being talked back into his supposedly-idyllic 20-yr family life right now. COMPLETELY understandable if he is- I want nothing but the best for his well-being, for himself including his family, speaking from a purely loving standpoint, as he is a dear person. (Yes, I realize the contradiction here. Brain exploding, as obviously my/our selfishness risks the obviously horrible- and I do believe that I'm totally in love w the man-) I think this was where I was going when I mentioned my observations as I was leaving, but somehow I find myself chewing on my nonexistent fingernails as I obsess over how unbelievable it is that I may (or may not or may partially) be (in)directly responsible for the 'destruction' of so many lives (including my own)...
I don't even know what was talked about. Is there any way, morally, where this is even the most remote bit OK? Don't intentions and non-intentions matter? The understanding that I would NEVER ever be so haphazard as to let anything like this seep out for any impressionable minds to discover? (Not that I intend for this to continue as long as he is still 'with' his W?)
The other things I wonder:
Is this 'relationship' doomed no matter what?
What is the 'right' thing to do here, now? (after all this!? a bit late for that, I do realize.)
I firmly believe that W is just as miserable in the M as he. But that's beside the point. As long as I'm still 'hiding', it indicates to me that I'm not allowed.
Other:
He's roughly a generation older. (Though my mother's considerably older than that, and his eldest son is considerably younger...)
He lives in another country. In a beautiful land, far, far away.
Our careers are where we are. Though we're both mobile, it makes no sense for him to move, and I just can NOT imagine walking right into this circumstance. Esp after all this time building my career here.
Any thoughts to offer? Thank you so much.

Wow. There's so much to consider here.
Even if you were both single, I'd have hesitations about a relationship because of the other things you mentioned - you live very far from each other and neither of you is in a position to move. If he divorces, he will still want to be reasonably close to his children. If you honestly don't think you would be able to relocate, that reason ALONE is enough to tell him to slow down.
If his marriage is truly miserable, then tell him he has to leave for that reason - NOT for you - because you don't need that pressure on your relationship. If he leaves his family for YOU, then he will certainly expect that you will eventually join him wherever he is, I think.
You need to have a LONG talk with him. Let him know that even if he leaves his marriage, you aren't sure that you and he would have anything more than a LDR. If he decided to give up his career and being close to his kids and come and live with you - imagine THAT pressure, feeling like he has given up EVERYTHING to be with you! That would freak me out for sure, unless I were SO COMPLETELY SURE that it would work out.
A lot to consider. I can't tell you what to do, but just really think through everything.
Oh, welcome to MAS! :-)
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
Thanks so much for your reply, and your warm welcome!
...I KNOW!!! (I'm yelling at myself here!) it's been discussed. to which I answer, it's a moot point- you're NOT available!!! (...)
we'd decided that with whatever happens, IF he decides(d) to "do" something, it needed to be purely unrelated to me, with no implications whatsoever. Especially since I don't want resentment built over perceived expectations. (Though I'd consider being there in the long run if it so happens that he really is the love of my life, etc, and potentially vice versa. I'm mobile. So is he. And I actually think where he lives is an absolutely gorgeous place to be. The other issues seem bigger to me (the fact that I'd be entering into a situation where 'the others' most probably 'blame' me as the impetus, though I've been absolutely clear that I was NOT giving an ultimatum.) After this discussion, he'd said that he just really wanted the chance to actually be with me. (Melted my heart!!!)
In any case, he spilled EVERYTHING!!! and now, the house is in uproar, and he is so mortified that it seems that he's just in stunned astonishment/depression/mortification (since apparently he didn't expect such a reaction), that he hasn't had time to do anything else but scramble to keep his life functional. What a fiasco. I feel absolutely terrible in all this. (I don't take all the responsibility in the complication, but since I've been specifically dragged into it, I can't help but feel completely mortified...)
Thanks again for your thoughts!!!
I think you sound smart and self-aware.
hi janejosie,
thanks so much! it's exactly what I was thinking (which GOT myself into this mess!) I'm hopeful. and I'm also remembering the original point of this was my obvious 'observation' that he wasn't available in the first place. Now that he's taking steps to remedy that, I really should/could be more patient about the whole thing.
thanks again!
So how long have you known your AP? A few months? Hon, he is NOT going to leave even a miserable M over a few months fling! He IS stringing you along .You are S,you WILL find someone who is available and suites you well.
Dont waste your youth !! There are plenty of fish in the sea,just need to look around ;)
I KNOW!!! We both understand that the 'grass is always greener', and with whatever he decides w his M, is solely HIS decision having NOTHING to do w me- just an impetus/eye-opener. (Good!) and I'd LOVE to move on! There are TONS of amazing fish here!!! I'm just in this stupid emotional vice grip, because 1. I have almost nothing scheduled this week and feel that I'm obsessing since I'm bored, and 2. I've BEEN seeing him 24/7 all summer! So now what? Get me over this!!!
(oh, and I'm completely in L w the man. Ugh.)