Is it my expectations? MAS boys help pls

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Is it my expectations? MAS boys help pls
5
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 10:21pm

Hi all


Well I have drafted the 'goodbye' email, and hopefully I'll see him next week. My plan is to say that this has to end, partly because I feel so guilty lately, but mostly because he is just too busy for this anymore.


But I would appreciate your views on something please? Could my expectations be skewed?


I dont want to end it and then think "DOH it was me!!! I was the issue'". Id beat myself up relentlessly if that was the case.


So my question is- what sort of contact is reasonable in an A. Particularly one that is past the honeymoon stage.


As you may recall, he texts me every day and calls maybe 1-2 a week. The texts are short, friendly. He takes me to coffee, lunch- but not often anymore. He has taken me interstate for overnight trips- and while he wants to do it again- there are no plans.

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 2:05am

Sorry, I meant to say I would love thoughts from MAS boys AND girls. I just meant to flag in the heading that Im particularly interested in the pov of men.


What is reasonable to expect in an A?


Iggyxx

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 2:35am

it's hard to say, as each A has a life of its own. if u need more contact then by all means tell him. as times these "relationships" will wax and wane, and they are A LOT of work to coordinate and tend to anyway. if u r feeling afraid of the "fade away" experience, then tell him for goodness sake, and maybe he will give u some insight in to his experience right now, too. but, if on paper, he is just quite the catch, then u may just have to be patient and wait this challenging period out. i don't work with my AP. he is very busy. i am married with 2 children and work p/t as well, plus i volunteer, too. i don't know if i could handle more than what he and i currently invest in, but that isn't saying much. i

when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 6:21am

Hi,


I dont think these things have any rules. In a normal datign relationship things often wax and wane unless and until the two decide to take it further. That cant happen in A's of course, as normal life prohibits that.


The issue is how you feel about it on many levels. If you feel it's not enough for you, then it's not enough. If you have lots of other reasons as to why you dont want to continue, then they are good reasons because they are YOURS.


That is not to say that ending cant be tough. But on the issue of what's enough for you that's donw to you, not him.


If you were to say to me that the level of contact is not enough for you, i could understand that. It does not strike me as weird or unreasonable.


I am enjoying my holiday but been botted off EAS until i finish it, and they were right to boot me off.


Speak soon. Best wishes,


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 8:42am

I agree with the other posters that every A has its own dynamics.. having said that, I know that I wouldn't "settle" in an A.. this is an A, something that should be special in its own way for you..

Yes, there is a honeymoon period.. but past that, there are some minimum expectations that need to be met.. in each affair, those expectations change.. and they change over time..

My AP and I have gone through different stages over the couple of years.. but, when all is said and done, I know that when she reaches out to me, she gives up her own time and she does it because she chooses to spend that time with me, and it is the same with me to her.. we see each other maybe once a month, or maybe less, but communicate regularly.. in our case now, we have a very good confidant/friendship dynamics, with some TLC thrown in when our schedules allow.. Neither of us are at a place where we expect any more or less from the other.. and I think that balance of expectations go a long way in keeping an A sane..

Even in a "normal" R, if there are unmet expectations, how far can you take it?.. I don't think your expectations are "skewed", in the sense that they are YOURS.. that is what you wish.. nothing less, nothing more..that is what's right for you, and who is to say "no, this is not right for you".. and it is not like you expect delivered flowers from him every hour on the hour (and if you did get that, you'd be afraid, very afraid, after a day or so, right?)..

I think the two of you are at somewhat separate places in this A, and I think you'd be happier if you found someone else that has more time/availability for this type of thing..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 10:42pm

Thanks everyone- I really appreciate your input. I know that what is 'enough' is very subjective. I guess all I can do is say to myself that his contact is frustrating me- so I guess its 'not enough for me'.


I also think he is taking it al for granted these days. He knows Im here, knows I wont go anywhere, and is arrogant enough to believe that if I do end it- its because of my issues not his. Its frustrating not to be able to get through to him about the slipping contact- and get him to see that his actions have contributed to this. But I think Im fighting an uphill battle there.


My plan is to see him this week, say that my guilt and his schedule is making the A too painful, and ask if we could stay friends.


Of course the conversation is going over and over in my head. Im sure he'll take offense at something! UGH


Iggyxx

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do