miss him SOOOoooo much :(
Find a Conversation
miss him SOOOoooo much :(
| Sun, 09-05-2010 - 2:08am |
(SIGH.)
so it's been a week since all was revealed (on purpose), and I've BARELY heard from him. SOOooooooo sad. :(
communicated a small bit in comparison to before, and he's been actually, a hair more communicative (with generic one-liners) ever since I brought up my upset about it, but frankly I'm just trying to take it back ten notches.
this is depressing me. I wish I could DO something about my being in absolute limbo. clearly it'll take forever to get 'over' all the disruption in his 'household'. unsettling to understand that we both might not be here after all.
ironic, after all this was done with the intention of actually being able to 'be' with me. :( so sad.

SIGH!!! of course- here's my recap of the day...
I'm in love w my dear longtime occasional work friend (we're performing artists) who lives on the other coast, in another country, with a career, wife of roughly 20 yrs, and three teenage children. Not to mention the age gap (I'm in my mid-30s/he's upper 50s.) (So I'm having a board-identity crisis, too! Oh, and I tried posting on EAS but they shot me over here.)
After working together intensively this summer in a gorgeous, resortlike vacation setting where we became very, very close (basically attached at the hip 24/7), he invited me to visit him where he lives, two weeks ago- also in a gorgeous resortlike setting, where it was absolute heaven! On the ride back to the airport, we talked about what a beautiful, fabulous time we'd had together- tearing up, I told him that it was obviously clear to me that he was in no place to offer me what I was looking for (since he's obviously unavailable), since he'd been saying all along that though he and W were at each others' throats for 15 yrs, they'd agreed to just deal w each other and live in separate bedrooms until the children were grown, etc, and that he was just waiting to see what happened. Meaning, he wasn't intending to do anything about anything.
During the 12 hrs it took me to get back (AND I live in a metropolis!!!), he'd bombarded me with emails/texts/phone calls of apologies/I-miss-yous/I-want-to-be-with-yous/I-can't-be-without-yous- and after talking all day, he'd decided to go talk to his (elderly) parents for their support. He then told his W, who immediately freaked out (duh)- sob stories about her not wanting to live anymore, etc. More sob stories, remorse, please-won't-you-reconsiders, who-is-she, etc. After hearing from him every 5 minutes or less for the past two months, I hadn't heard from him except for the sparse 1-liners of "can't talk- rough day sorry" since then, really. Well, now since I complained about it, I get the 1-line generic update, as in, "hope you had a nice day". OK thanks. Thanks for FILLING ME IN. Suddenly reality has hit him. He tells me that he is NOT reconsidering getting back together w her, but the huge stumbling block is about leaving the home of his children (3 teens- one went off to college this week.) So somehow I doubt it (silence KILLS me), and somehow I'm left feeling that he's being guilted into staying in the house. Playing Good Husband/Father. (NOT that I'm pulling him away from his kids.)
At this point, the sudden drastic change in communication makes ME feel like I'M the one going through the D. I have no idea what he thinks/feels (since he's paralyzed with the complication of everything, and clearly not with me), and I'm just sitting here like an idiot, having walked RIGHT into this fiasco. Willingly!!! I was on top of the world- excited about my life/career/new fabulous men, and now I'm an emotional nutcase over this man! After he did what was intended to be "the right thing" for us together- to be with me! (!!!) The irony. I could just die.
He clearly needs time to get 'over' this. Wondering how much of his decision was purely reactionary. Wondering if he's just in love w the idea of me. And what do I do, then, with all my feelings and lost hopes and excitement and devastation? I'd love to say, let's check in w each other in 6 months. Or next summer. But I'm so all-or-nothing (as a matter of simple survival) that once this window passes, it'll be over for me. And I'll still be devastated. As I am now.
I'm just not ready to say goodbye to him yet. :(
Edited 9/5/2010 11:20 pm ET by lize-bird
OMG, oh I'm sure he was crazy about you!
You told him,all or nothing. It sounds like an ultimatum and silence means he has chosen his W and family over you.
Hi Jane!
Many thanks for your thoughtful reply.
It's clear to me that he cares very much. I'm sure he's tormented over all of this, as is everyone. I do completely understand that he would ideally still be very close to his teen-aged children.
He has been giving me glimpses of how consistently miserable his day-to-day life w his W is (and was), and that they are and were in agreement of this need to re-evaluate the plummeting state of their relationship. It sounds much better now that they are now able to speak much more freely about things. I am all for them talking this through 100%, since clearly I'm not wanting to be some form of idyllic escapism. Not to mention the children, who need not be dragged into the complication, upsetting their future mates.
I'm not exactly 'unwilling' to 'wait' for him- it's just that this is obviously a HUGE undertaking, and we're both very logical, rational, emotional people. And I'm in my mid-30s! I reeeeaally don't have that much time to hem and haw. I've said to him that if he's the love of my life, it shouldn't matter, and if he isn't, it still shouldn't matter. But practicality-wise, I really don't see this going anywhere for a long time. So I'm really not thinking that I'll feel like sitting around feeling sad until their situation clears up. But then, where do my feelings go? I really do think the world of him and don't see myself being able to move 'on' for quite some time, esp if there isn't exactly any closure.
I did tell him that I'd love to have him in my life, however it may be feasible, even if it may not be right now. We both made the decision to see each other again now, since I think he feels my urgency. Fast-forwarding to my non-ultimatum/observation, it seemed that he wanted to resume his life NOT living in the false scenario they've created to bide time through the raising of their children.
And no, I reaaallly do NOT want to feel any more hurt by this. If he were in a place to actually be with me emotionally right now, then it would be doable (if he wanted.) He's clearly not. Although he's making a huge effort to be communicative (I do get a handful of sparse emails daily), I think perhaps it would be good for him to be 'alone' with his own thoughts without needing to worry about what I'm obsessing about. I miss him SO much.
We've been talking every few days. I just can't think of any kind of workable compromise. Bottom line is that I feel like I'm sitting here idiotically pining after some guy who should just either shut up and go back to his wife and family, or undo the marital commitment and work out a practical arrangement to continue being the wonderful father that he is. But just please make a decision. It's been only two months and I completely recognize the potential for me to be strung along indefinitely, wasting these crucial years. I am NOT someone who will live in uncommunicative misery for 20 years. And he knows that, so it seems that he's given himself the ultimatum, not me.
So here I sit. Sigh.
Hi HIS,
The silence was only for the first day or two, understandably. I was just saying on this 'SUPPORT BOARD', that I MISS him and his communication, since he'd BEEN texting/emailing/calling every five minutes every day throughout summer.
Here's an excerpt of what I just wrote to J:
I did tell him that I'd love to have him in my life, however it may be feasible, even if it may not be right now. We both made the decision to see each other again now, since I think he feels my urgency. Fast-forwarding to my non-ultimatum/observation, it seemed that he wanted to resume his life NOT living in the false scenario they've created to bide time through the raising of their children.
... Although he's making a huge effort to be communicative (I do get a handful of sparse emails daily), I think perhaps it would be good for him to be 'alone' with his own thoughts without needing to worry about what I'm obsessing about. I miss him SO much.
We've been talking every few days. I just can't think of any kind of workable compromise. Bottom line is that I feel like I'm sitting here idiotically pining after some guy who should just either shut up and go back to his wife and family, or undo the marital commitment and work out a practical arrangement to continue being the wonderful father that he is. But just please make a decision. It's been only two months and I completely recognize the potential for me to be strung along indefinitely, wasting these crucial years. I am NOT someone who will live in uncommunicative misery for 20 years. And he knows that, so it seems that he's given himself the ultimatum, not me.
You have no idea if what he is telling you regarding his wife is true as you are only hearing his side. Of course he is not going to say "my wife is great and I love her but I just want a side piece". Happens all the time.
Thanks very much for your input, BB!
You're totally right. When we first talked about it (when we were definitely 'just friends') all this came out. I was HAPPY for him to tell me that he was married for that long, etc, and was looking to be inspired to hear of someone else's long-lived FUNCTIONING marriage. When we parted (fast forward to the end of our time there), nothing was spoken along the lines of expectation or anything, except "wonderful to spend this amazing time w you (at work)". It's always understood that everyone goes back to their 'lives' unless otherwise noted. (Not that I condone or dismiss being in these emotional complications, but we see it all the time, since it's inevitable due to the nature of the setup.) I truly didn't expect to hear from him after he got on the plane. I would've been FINE and HAPPY with, 'my wife is great and I love her and I'd love to be with her forever'. Though, then I would've doubted the sincerity of that since then why was the emotional opening there in the first place of a so-called 'happy marriage'? Not that it would've mattered- it's his business and M, not mine.
We'd always been up front w each other about things, and I really have no reason to start disbelieving him now. About the "leaving for me" (excerpted from what I just posted in reply to my original 'circus' post: (he's not 'leaving for me'...)
I KNOW!!! We both understand that the 'grass is always greener', and with whatever he decides w his M, is solely HIS decision having NOTHING to do w me- just an impetus/eye-opener. (Good!) and I'd LOVE to move on! There are TONS of amazing fish here!!! I'm just in this stupid emotional vice grip, because 1. I have almost nothing scheduled this week and feel that I'm obsessing since I'm bored, and 2. I've BEEN seeing him 24/7 all summer! So now what? Get me over this!!!
(oh, and I'm completely in L w the man. Ugh.)