Were you friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Were you friends?
8
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 7:49pm

Hi to all. Brief rundown on my story before I ask my question. I got involved with a separated MM. We met through work and he had lived separately (different states) from his wife for roughly 3 years. I am single. The chemistry was always amazing and we went to dinner together after knowing each other about one year. Long story short his separation was due to the logistics of their jobs. His wife moved to where he is currently living and he now has to deal with his marriage head on and decide if that is where he wants to be. He has been married 30 years and dated her 5 years prior to that. He has 2 grown daughters and we do talk on occasion but do not get together or carry on.

Here is my question to all of you. Were/are you friends? This man honestly became my best friend. Being that he lived alone,most of our time was spent cooking, hanging out, watching movies, talking and laughing. I know most people think of an affair as a sexual thing but ours was definitely not about that. We stopped having sex altogether when things got serious with us because it just seemed to confuse the entire situation further. We still hung out and talked and our feelings seemed to grow stronger. I started to realize that he and his W were not and are not friends. The comments he would make to regarding her were things such as, we have nothing to talk about/we never laugh/we aren't friends.

I have started to realize that many couples are not friends. I am not only speaking of married couples here. Many people enter into a relationship mode and forget to be friends. As simple as this may sound it is a huge relationship killer. People are fooling themselves if they think great sex will maintain a long term relationship. I do think the sex is actually better if you are truly friends. I guess the question people need to ask themselves is: would I be friends with this person if the romance part of it ended?

So were/are you friends with your MM/AP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 9:07pm

Yes and no.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 10:12pm

Aww...so are you still able to see him like you used to or have you had to cut things off with his W back in the picture?


I have been friends with AP since high school, just casual friends for the first thirteen years, then closer friends for the past 5 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 11:29pm
We were/are dear friends. (From work.) And he is THE most passionate, intense, sweet lover. Why I'm SOoooo in love w the man. :( Somehow wishing we could just back up and leave it at that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 12:01am
Yes, we were friends first. Still are friends. While many say you can't go back to friendship after an A, I'm sure we could if we really tried. Would just take much more self control than either of us are able to exhibit right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 9:59am

I have known my AP for about 25 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 1:58pm
I have 2 APs both started out with friendships. I honestly do not think I could have any type of relationship without having friendship. To me it just makes a foundation that the A grew out of.
Well #1 AP is a newer friend we can sit and talk for hours you could say learning more about each other. AP #2 is a childhood friend who knows my life in and out. They both hold a special place in the friendship side of my life.
It may just be me but having the friendship side along with the sexual side just makes spending time with them so much better.With #1 There is the newness of our friendship/ relationship but there are also limits where I did not know him before he got married my name will never pass his lips to his wife. With #2 his wife knows we are childhood friends. He is trying to get me to befriend her because she is the type of wife who make him stop over to see how I am doing or tell him to go some where for the weekend with me if she could not or did not want to go. All together way too trusting of her husband!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 2:09pm

"My H and I had been good friends too before we started dating and I think I loved the idea of marrying my best friend but what I have realized over the years is that I became someone he wanted, not who I really was."

Interesting. I heard a Dr. Phil episode the other day which talked about being your authentic self. He said that what people term as a mid-life crisis is someone who looks back on their life and asks themselves is this where I want to be for the next half of my life? I think as many of us get to the mid point of life we start to feel our mortality and ask ourselves is "this" enough? This could be anything. The point is have we been our authentic self? I think if we have been our authentic self then there is no struggle. However, if we have been going through the motions in any way at all (work/relationships etc.) I think many of us will have a wake up call at some point. The next question becomes to have the courage to change the situation? People get caught up in expectations. If your authentic self is a conflict from some expectation, are you strong enough to still be your authentic self?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 9:58am

Wow, well said...I guess I never really looked at it that way but can see your point.