For ending contemplaters
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| Tue, 09-07-2010 - 12:29pm |
I see so many of you here. I've never seen this many at MAS at one time, in all the time I've been here. I'm trying to figure out how best to help you with this, because this isn't really an "ending" board, but it seems most of you who are contemplating ending are not ready to move on to EAS, where you have to have decided to END it and be ready to have NC, block and walk.
I think you are helping each other a lot. And I have ended A's so I can put myself back into that place. My first A was a full blown love affair, intense, feeling like "soulmates" sort of thing - and it was SO hard to end. I did it because my AP was single and needed "more". This song was my solace after I ended it - I would play it over and over. Some would say I was "wallowing" and idealizing the A, but it comforted me at the time. Maybe it will comfort you some:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVjEcIANv1o&feature=related
Edited 9/7/2010 12:31 pm ET by cl-lexione


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Love this song!
anotherseyes
Hi Lexi..
I think you are correct in your assessment that there seems be a lot of challenged APs in the list lately. And yes, I've had my experience of the intense A, more than once actually, so, I am not a good learner, I suppose.
However, I think, the increased number of APs that share their challenges here, such as NC, LC or ending it for good, is a positive sign for this board. Yes, we may share tips, joys, fun and adventure, squirrel eradication, survival points etc. But, most As do come w/ an expiration date, for better or worse.
I also agree that, in other boards, there seems to be a bit of a "tougher" crowd, and for some who've been here, that's a very bitter pill to try to swallow while going through all this. I don't see posts here that are supporting those who think about ending their As as enabling them. I think they still find some comfort and lack of judgement here than somewhere else, and for that, you should pat yourself on the back.
--
You are so right.
So glad you started this thread, Lexi :) I don't know how to help, either. And to be honest, my attempt at ending several months ago still feels so RAW...I can be in tears just thinking about it...
Yeah, I almost feel funny posting good news or good feelings about my AP when it seems so many people are frustrated or upset with their AP's. :(
dear everyone,
check, and check.
originally I WAS posting on the EAS board, who ever-so-calmly booted me over here since apparently EAS is for people who have ENDED their As. Makes sense...
so are we in A-purgatory? I'd LOVE to continue w the man I'm in love w, but clearly this is devastating me (and he is in limbo, which forces me into limbo.) I'm finding that reading everyone's posts is clarifying what I'm looking for in my next R, so thank you all for your insight, really.
since this is all new to me, I find myself with SO many new feelings/thoughts every day. I don't know what to do with myself. You are all such strong women. Amazing.
Thanks, Lexi.
Ahhh Mamma Lexi !! Lol ...what an absolute treasure you are! ;-)
I haven't posted much here for a while and I'm sure EAS lurkers found my post over there about contemplation etc. I think because of my ending dilemma, I don't really feel I have much in the way of A support to offer anyone here at the moment and I am definately not in the frame of mind to commit to EAS philosophies as yet. My post over there was tolerated due to a one off neutral thread exploring the mindsets of lurkers and I knew I'd put my birdlike feathered a?? on the line! Lol ...However, I really valued the opportunity to explore what seems to be the very specific mental space of 'Ending Contemplator' ... or fence sitter lol :-).
I think it is however a valid part of the A process for so many and as such, something valuable to share insight on. But where should we be doing that? Where can we safely for us as Contemplators? Where can we without interrupting or damaging others who are either Enders or Maintainers? (for want of a better word to describe someone who still highly enjoys the active participation in their A)
When I came to MAS it was for support to maintain my R with OM within the challenging dynamics of Affairland and not as a contemplator of ending. As a reader and poster here, that's what I wanted from this board ...tips, strategies, experiences, insight into the balance and how to acheive it. I wanted to support others who want to manage their A with perspectives and experiences of my own. It is upsetting to think of people like the amazing Kimber ...hi You ;-), whose support has helped me so much, being potentislly wounded by our ending dilemmas. I would hate to cause pain to an Ender on EAS by indulging my contemplation over there and would be sent packing (very nicely lol) anyway until I had reached the point of total commitment! These boards have become soooo specialised ...so safe, protected and specific ...and THAT is a GOOD thing!! Iddy over at EAS and you here make sure of that safety. There is an English version of these boards. Last time I looked it was still a single mixed board and neither one thing or another because what it is at any one time becomes moulded by the majority or most verbal. Sometimes Enders, sometimes Contemplators, sometimes Maintainers and the occasional BS! Even reading I felt unsafe. So I, as an English woman, choose here every time for that reason ...
So where should I and others on this part of the very very valid journey be, because I would hate to be even partly responsible for turning this board into somewhere that didn't feel welcoming and safe to all in an A?
Rhetorical questions really but it would be good to know how others on here feel about it.
Bird
Well, I think "ending contemplaters" do belong here, as an A can have a certain process. You can't go over to EAS until you're ready to be an "ender" and not a "contemplater". There is a folder here called "on the fence" that could be for contemplaters, although I think it also pertains (and I think it used to MOSTLY pertain) to people thinking of having an A, so that would be a strange combo for one folder LOL.
I don't know if it's coincidence or what that seems to have brought so many of the regular posters here to a contemplating stage at the same time. It's just never happened before that contemplaters were in the majority LOL!. It does give a "mood", if you want to call it that, to the board. But that's just the ebb and flow to the board, I guess! Maybe I have to start more threads for the "maintainers" to bring us out of the woodwork more.
HisKimber - you absolutely have to post more! LOL!
And contemplaters, never feel bad about exploring your thoughts here. You belong here until you're ready to move on.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
I don't think you're bringing us down - as you say. I think we all realize there are ups and downs to affairs. That is just the nature. Lately, it's been bumpy, some times it isn't. But I think that dynamic on the board shows those that are new or currently on a high what it can be like to be on a low, bumpy path. I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing. I think seeing you struggle through this time (as horrible as it is) shows other what they may be looking at before they get in too deep. I hope I'm saying that right because I know what I'm trying to say, but I'm not exactly expressing it I think. I guess what I mean is people are seeing the pain and turmoil it is causing you (and I'm so sorry you're feeling that way) and it might cause them to think in the longer run. Often times when I think of A's I think of the Kesha Song - You're Love is my Drug. It seems to fit so perfectly to A's.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7w93zv89Jug <--- the song.
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