Ungrateful? Am I? ( Long, sorry)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Ungrateful? Am I? ( Long, sorry)
5
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 10:18pm
A Year ago I moved from one country to another to be with my boyfriend of three years. I moved without having a job or car so his parents agreed to let us stay with them. Did I mention that was a year ago? Since then, I have a good job and I'll have a car within the month. My boyfriend doesn't seem interested in moving out. We don't pay rent here, and we live in a room together but before moving here we did have our own place. I appreciate everything his parents have done for us, in allowing us to live together under one roof, but I think they are part of the problem in that I seem to be the only one that thinks that we need to move out. We pay the majority of the bills so I can see why we would be good to have around. We contribute financially yet, according to them we just can't do enough alot of the time. My parents never came down hard on me the way they seem to come down hard on my boyfriend so I fail to see why he'd want to live under their roof still. I get the feeling that he feels they would be insulted if we left, But I feel that it is a way to prove our independance. I feel trapped and very alone. I want things to work out with him, and feel that our relationship would benefit from us leaning on each other instead of his parents all the time. Me being a very independant person and him being dependant on his parents for so long has really began to stress me out. I have been hinting at leaving (to go HOME)in March, so he made a half-hearted attempt to say that once I get my car we can talk about moving. He doesn't believe that I will be able to handle a car and have enough for rent etc. I think that three months from now will be enough time to prove that I can do both. (I save better under pressure).

Am I being ungrateful by wanting to leave and start a life with my boyfriend?

How long should I wait before I/he realizes that he doesn't want to go any further with this relationship?

Is it fair to anyone to have me here until he decides?

Don't know what to do. I love Him . please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 9:45am
Just wondering, how long does it usually take to get a response from the relationship saver?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 10:39am
Truthfully, there is not much advice to give you. You want one thing, and he wants something different. You are independent, and he is not interested in being the way. It's a *huge* incompatability, and unless he gets motivated to cut the chord, there is nothing that can be done. No you are not being ungrateful, what you want is a totally normal and healthy thing. I can't imagine staying with someone else's parents if I didn't have to, and I wouldn't because I am too independent and I value my personal space way too much for that. Really the only options you have are to stick it out with him and hope that he sways (and I wouldn't keep that hope *too* long!), or to leave on your own. You already know what your choices are, and there is not much advice to give you other than this. Probably the reason why you haven't gotten many responses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 2:40pm
I guess the reason why it's so hard is because "Leaving on my own" means going back to my counrty. There is no other option. There is no such thing as we need some space here. Perhaps it is becasue I know that we are capable of living on our own, and would be happier for it why this is so and unfathomable to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 4:55am
I understand how you feel because I would feel the same way too. Was this discussed beforehand? Did you just move over there with your own expectations, and not know his? I think it's ridiculous to stay with his parents, and I wouldn't even stay with my parents unless I had no other options. You are in a difficult situation, but the only way the situation will change is if *he* changes, I don't know what you can do. You surely can't make him change. It's unfortunate that you are stuck in this space, but you need to decide what you will put up with and what you won't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 5:04pm
I have been debating this back and forth for weeks. I guess in the beginning it did make sense(to live w/his parents), like I said I had no job etc. But I guess because I have a tendancy to take things too personally and over-react, I had to get a second opinion to say "No girl you're not trippin, this situation is wack". The longer we stay the more responsibilities we have in the house, the more they hang not paying rent over our heads and as I mentioned before it's like we just can't do enough, no matter what. The plan was that we would be gone in six months. It took me 2 months to find a job. Bottom line, when I get a car (2 weeks) and I have a little more freedom I am going to bring it up again. We can't really make any moves with out my car(Or at least that is what he says), and I can't really say anything else until I get it.Worse comes to worse, I can pack alot more things in my car then I could if I was to take a plane home. lol.

Thanks for validating what I think I could see all along :-)