staying friends after break-up, or not?

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Registered: 12-05-2003
staying friends after break-up, or not?
10
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 3:50am
My boyfriend just broke up with me after two years. He told me that he needed space for himself and school and couldn't handle the pressure from our problems. There is a girl that goes to the same school and has the same classes as he does. They met his freshmen year in college, and i told him i did not want him to talk to her anymore because he I didn't like how close their friendship was becoming he would always talk about her. He agreed that he would stop talking to her. This happened 2 years ago and he tells me now that he never did stopped talking to her and has been keeping their friendship a secret. And now he thinks he may have feelings for her. The day after he broke up with me he met up with her and some friends, got himself drunk and they ended up fooling around, but they did not have sex. He not only lied about being friends with this girl, he ends up being liking her waiting only one day after the break up to get with her. I was not trying to control him by telling him who he can and can't be friends with. I told him because I was afraid something like this would happen, and it did. He said it was wrong to tell him who to be friends with and thats why he kept it from me. He thinks he did nothing wrong and blames me for everything. I admitt, when we first met I use to mistreat and take advantage of all the good things he did for me, once I had realized i was wrong and seeing how much i was hurting him, I tried to change my bad ways but it had been far too late to heal his pain. He gradually changed from a devoted loving guy to a more careless person. That's when all the fighting became more and more frequent and got to a point of frustration. This was the pressure that he couldn't handle. When i was never there for him or we had one of our fights, it was that girl at his school who that gave him comfort. He said he found happiness with her when i lacked it. I know he loves me and its important to him that we stay friends, but thats is too hard for me to handle. What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 10:00am
Pianoguy thinks you should GIVE THIS GUY UP and RE-THINK WHAT YOU WANT IN ANY FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN.

Most of us can't stand it when women are so self-assured when they have us...that they think they can treat us badly. .

YOU blew the relationship by treating him like you were his mother ("I don't want you to speak to or see this other girl") after mistreating him earlier. WHAT MAN IN HIS RIGHT MIND WILL PAY ANY ATTENTION TO A WOMAN WHO WANTS TO DOMINATE HIM? .

Sandy...there are too many other women out there who want to make their men feel very special...instead of trying to control or manipulating them.

And now you know why your boyfriend has DUMPED YOU for somebody else!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 10:47am
Yeah, you can't treat your boyfriend like crap, forbid him to stay away from someone who gives him the emotional support (a lot of it was probably how much he loved you and how much you hurt his feelings BTW!), and then whine when he leaves you. You were unappreciative of him from the get-go, and he is a smart man to move on. A person can only take so much, and you might want to consider how you treat boyfriends in the future. I think he gave you way too many chances to begin with (2 years). You didn't want to make him happy, so let him go be happy with a girl that is good for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 1:59pm
Walk away. Take yourself out of the equation, out of the triangle. It's too hard to remain friends at this point because you want more than that from him.

He blames you for stating your feelings in regards to how close you saw the relationship between the two of them becoming. You were right, what he was doing was starting an emotional affair - that's how they start. If you were married (just read some of the posts here) and your husband was seeing another *friend* behind your back we would all tell you that the *friendship* was inappropriate. Instead of telling him not to see her, it might have been better to insist you be included and get to know her BUT he's not taking responsibilty for his own actions and choices.

1) he lied to you

2) he kept his *friendship* with her a secret

3) he shared enough emotional, intimate things with her to develop feelings for her

As much as it hurts, don't be friends until you've healed.


Edited 12/6/2003 2:02:39 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 10:02pm
Thank you for pointing out the facts of my situation. It is still very hard for me to deal with. Knowing how much my botfriend and I have been through, It just breaks my heart to know he is ACTUALLY dating this girl from school. When we were still together, he once told me

"I wouldn't date other girls if we ever to broke up."

"if we ever break up in the future and you began dating other people, then you never really loved me. It's almost as if you were throwing our 2 year relationship away."

He said that he was use to having me in his life that it would make him feel awkward and uncomfortable to be with another girl. (2 1/2 years is the longest relationship he and I ever had) I am all he knows, and it wouldn't be feel right to have someone else. Funny how he ate his own words, isn't it? How do I respond to something like this. He was sure of himself that I would be the first to start dating, not him. Not once have I feared losing him and now that its happened, it hurts. On top of that, It's kinda like if he cheated on me too. I think he's is confused about our relationship and the way things are going compared to before when he felt so positive that I was the only one for him and proposed to me. I think sooner or later, reality will come back to him after he realizes the history we shared together and he will be the one begging me to come back to him. I just hope I'm right. what do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 2:42pm
This is going to sound strange to you....but

when he said:

"I wouldn't date other girls if we ever to broke up."

"if we ever break up in the future and you began dating other people, then you never really loved me. It's almost as if you were throwing our 2 year relationship away."

That's because in that moment, him being in a relationship with you, not being able to see past that moment in time, thinking he'd never want to date other girls (which is so unrealistic) and the thought of you with anyone else he figured would tear him up inside (but also unrealistic) was his TRUTH in that particular moment. Now things have changed - reality has hit, he's changed his perception, he's repositioned his emotions, he's experiencing life, healing, moving on with his life AND he's liking it. So now his behavior doesn't match his past words. However, his past words were not based in reality. And I'm sure he's figured out that if you date someone else, that that does NOT mean that you never loved him.

Whether or not he comes back to you remains to be seen, not matter how much his reality changes.

However, the best you can do for you at this moment is focus on you and your healing.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 4:28pm

Well, a few things:


1.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 3:54am
I would very much like to move on with my life and forget about it but I can't because he won't let me. He is determined that we still be friends. I think he is just playing with my heart. He talks to me differently as if I were just another one of his friends compared to before when he would call me cute little names that couples do to refer to one another like "sweetheart". He knows my weaknesses and knows how vulnerable I can be. Yesterday, i was on the talking to him on the phone babbling about how unfair he was being towards me. I kept babbling on and on completely ignoring him when he tried to stop shut me up (not arguing or yelling, more in a dramatically whining tone). And for a moment, he was acting like my sweet Oscar again (thats his name) saying his cute little nicknames he always says (we never refered or called eachother by our first names, not in private or public places) as if I was still his girlfriend. For a couple of seconds I felt like nothing had changed between us (like it was all a dream). Realizing the reality of it all and just the sound of those words coming from his mouth only made me miss him more. My heart melted at that point making me weary that I completely forgot what I was talking about. The sadness came over me and started to cry, keeping it as silent as I could over the phone so he wouldn't hear me. Holding back from crying only put me in deeper agony that I had put him on hold to let it out. Luckily he never heard. In my situation it's not that easy for me to heal from this break-up like I want because of him. I know he won't let me out of my his life friends or no friends. Even if I put in my effort to get him out of my life such as changing my phone number (which I did), he would stay from me for awhile until I calm down. But eventually he'll try to fit his way back in my life by showing up at my door step unexpectedly. No matter how bad we fight or how much I try to cut him out of my life, I know for a fact that he will keep coming back for more. Put it this way, we fought over the phone and I clicked on him to get him off my back and no matter how much it made me crazy, he would keep calling back until I pick it up even if took all night. He'll always get his last word in to talk crap to me, to apologize (even if i was furious and didn't care for his apology), or just to hear my voice. Hes an indomitable person. I know he truly loves me but I can tell by the way he talks that he only sees the bad things in the relationship, uses it as a reasons to end it. He's doesn't consider the good in our relationship because of that other source of happiness he saw through his "friends" that he eventually chose them over me, and saw me as the bad guy. I know he'll come back around if enough time passes by and they end up being together but things don't work out between them(she has a daughter and he knows his family wont be thrilled about that). I think he would feel pretty stupid about how much he hurt and the extremity he went to keep the frienship behind my back, continued to keep it even after he knows he broke my heart and ended our 2 1/2 year relationship to be with her (his source of happiness he depended on at one time). He knows hes wrong about what he did but not enough reason to go our seperate ways. Several times since our break-up he finds it necessary to tell me that he loves me, will always love me or never forget me for no reason at all. Why is he still reminding as if he has not completely got over me and intends to keep my presence on standby in case he wakes up one morning and want me back again. Is he confused? Is he afraid to let me go because he might regret leaving me for a friendship (which probably won't last) and want to get back with me? Will he regret not taking me back pouring my heart out and begged (I've never done that for anyone, and he knows that too) him not to leave me? If i try to let go, why cant let me go too? is it necessary for him to act like he can have me when ever he wants because of how weak I have become?(I'm only hurting myself cuz he knows I can't have him no matter how much i beg) I am a person that is not fond of showing affection (he was) because of how I was raised (my family showed emotional love and support rather than physical) in my family and plus the bad experiences i had in past relationships. I was afraid to open up to anyone that I shut people out. Its made me stubborn at times and it's no suprise to him. Until now, he has never seen how capable I was to keep him to stay with even after the he lied to me about her and waited only one day to get with her (to me its the same as cheating because he waisted no time)does he think he has me inthe palm of his hand? i dont want him to think that he does. what should i do to make him see that I can handle it and he can't get to me? please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 11:32am
Are you HONESTLY SURE you want to "give him up?"

Pianoguy doesn't get this impression at all.

You're a grown up woman...and can take firm steps to end the relationship if you want to.

If he is "stalking" or "harrassing you by phone"...you can report him. But as long as you permit yourself to be bullied and manipulated, I'm sure you won't take any further steps to stop this jerk.

In other words...you can approach the man in 2 ways:

As a GROWN-UP WOMAN WHO HAS CONTROL OVER HER LIFE AND WHO SHE WANTS IN IT...

OR AS A LITTLE GIRL WHO ALLOWS HERSELF TO BE CONTROLLED BY A MAN WHO CAN BREAK DOWN ANY RESISTANCE SHE MAY HAVE.

Your choice?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 12:11pm
I agree, and I also think that he would walk away if that is what you told him you wanted and then acted like it. It probably makes you feel better to think that he wouldn't ever leave your life, but let's face it, he broke up with you, and is just trying to make you feel better. He probably has a totally different perception on the situation that you do. You can either move on and realize that the two of you can't be friends, or you can continuously get your feelings hurt because he is NOT coming back. He has made that *very* clear. It's not him that is doing anything- it's you not letting go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 1:02pm
Sandy,

I agree with painoguy and i_emgoddez - if you want this over, really wanted this over, it would be over.

:::I would very much like to move on with my life and forget about it but I can't because he won't let me.

No one can make you talk to him. No one can make you be in his life. No one can make you pick up the phone.

Right now you want him to listen to the mild words of 'leave me alone' but what he's listening to is your actions - the fact that you talk to him, pick up the phone, give in to him. So he knows he can manipulate you and get what he wants. BECAUSE you ALLOW him to. You don't stand up for yourself. Your actions do NOT match your words. You haven't changed your phone number or blocked him in anyway. You have to stand up for yourself. He's not going to quietly go away and agree with you, thereby giving you what you want.


Carrie