staying friends after break-up, or not?
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staying friends after break-up, or not?
| Sat, 12-06-2003 - 3:50am |
My boyfriend just broke up with me after two years. He told me that he needed space for himself and school and couldn't handle the pressure from our problems. There is a girl that goes to the same school and has the same classes as he does. They met his freshmen year in college, and i told him i did not want him to talk to her anymore because he I didn't like how close their friendship was becoming he would always talk about her. He agreed that he would stop talking to her. This happened 2 years ago and he tells me now that he never did stopped talking to her and has been keeping their friendship a secret. And now he thinks he may have feelings for her. The day after he broke up with me he met up with her and some friends, got himself drunk and they ended up fooling around, but they did not have sex. He not only lied about being friends with this girl, he ends up being liking her waiting only one day after the break up to get with her. I was not trying to control him by telling him who he can and can't be friends with. I told him because I was afraid something like this would happen, and it did. He said it was wrong to tell him who to be friends with and thats why he kept it from me. He thinks he did nothing wrong and blames me for everything. I admitt, when we first met I use to mistreat and take advantage of all the good things he did for me, once I had realized i was wrong and seeing how much i was hurting him, I tried to change my bad ways but it had been far too late to heal his pain. He gradually changed from a devoted loving guy to a more careless person. That's when all the fighting became more and more frequent and got to a point of frustration. This was the pressure that he couldn't handle. When i was never there for him or we had one of our fights, it was that girl at his school who that gave him comfort. He said he found happiness with her when i lacked it. I know he loves me and its important to him that we stay friends, but thats is too hard for me to handle. What should I do?

Most of us can't stand it when women are so self-assured when they have us...that they think they can treat us badly. .
YOU blew the relationship by treating him like you were his mother ("I don't want you to speak to or see this other girl") after mistreating him earlier. WHAT MAN IN HIS RIGHT MIND WILL PAY ANY ATTENTION TO A WOMAN WHO WANTS TO DOMINATE HIM? .
Sandy...there are too many other women out there who want to make their men feel very special...instead of trying to control or manipulating them.
And now you know why your boyfriend has DUMPED YOU for somebody else!
Pianoguy
He blames you for stating your feelings in regards to how close you saw the relationship between the two of them becoming. You were right, what he was doing was starting an emotional affair - that's how they start. If you were married (just read some of the posts here) and your husband was seeing another *friend* behind your back we would all tell you that the *friendship* was inappropriate. Instead of telling him not to see her, it might have been better to insist you be included and get to know her BUT he's not taking responsibilty for his own actions and choices.
1) he lied to you
2) he kept his *friendship* with her a secret
3) he shared enough emotional, intimate things with her to develop feelings for her
As much as it hurts, don't be friends until you've healed.
Edited 12/6/2003 2:02:39 PM ET by itwinflame
Carrie
"I wouldn't date other girls if we ever to broke up."
"if we ever break up in the future and you began dating other people, then you never really loved me. It's almost as if you were throwing our 2 year relationship away."
He said that he was use to having me in his life that it would make him feel awkward and uncomfortable to be with another girl. (2 1/2 years is the longest relationship he and I ever had) I am all he knows, and it wouldn't be feel right to have someone else. Funny how he ate his own words, isn't it? How do I respond to something like this. He was sure of himself that I would be the first to start dating, not him. Not once have I feared losing him and now that its happened, it hurts. On top of that, It's kinda like if he cheated on me too. I think he's is confused about our relationship and the way things are going compared to before when he felt so positive that I was the only one for him and proposed to me. I think sooner or later, reality will come back to him after he realizes the history we shared together and he will be the one begging me to come back to him. I just hope I'm right. what do you think?
when he said:
"I wouldn't date other girls if we ever to broke up."
"if we ever break up in the future and you began dating other people, then you never really loved me. It's almost as if you were throwing our 2 year relationship away."
That's because in that moment, him being in a relationship with you, not being able to see past that moment in time, thinking he'd never want to date other girls (which is so unrealistic) and the thought of you with anyone else he figured would tear him up inside (but also unrealistic) was his TRUTH in that particular moment. Now things have changed - reality has hit, he's changed his perception, he's repositioned his emotions, he's experiencing life, healing, moving on with his life AND he's liking it. So now his behavior doesn't match his past words. However, his past words were not based in reality. And I'm sure he's figured out that if you date someone else, that that does NOT mean that you never loved him.
Whether or not he comes back to you remains to be seen, not matter how much his reality changes.
However, the best you can do for you at this moment is focus on you and your healing.
Carrie
Well, a few things:
1.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
Pianoguy doesn't get this impression at all.
You're a grown up woman...and can take firm steps to end the relationship if you want to.
If he is "stalking" or "harrassing you by phone"...you can report him. But as long as you permit yourself to be bullied and manipulated, I'm sure you won't take any further steps to stop this jerk.
In other words...you can approach the man in 2 ways:
As a GROWN-UP WOMAN WHO HAS CONTROL OVER HER LIFE AND WHO SHE WANTS IN IT...
OR AS A LITTLE GIRL WHO ALLOWS HERSELF TO BE CONTROLLED BY A MAN WHO CAN BREAK DOWN ANY RESISTANCE SHE MAY HAVE.
Your choice?
Pianoguy
I agree with painoguy and i_emgoddez - if you want this over, really wanted this over, it would be over.
:::I would very much like to move on with my life and forget about it but I can't because he won't let me.
No one can make you talk to him. No one can make you be in his life. No one can make you pick up the phone.
Right now you want him to listen to the mild words of 'leave me alone' but what he's listening to is your actions - the fact that you talk to him, pick up the phone, give in to him. So he knows he can manipulate you and get what he wants. BECAUSE you ALLOW him to. You don't stand up for yourself. Your actions do NOT match your words. You haven't changed your phone number or blocked him in anyway. You have to stand up for yourself. He's not going to quietly go away and agree with you, thereby giving you what you want.
Carrie