Telling too much too soon
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Telling too much too soon
| Sat, 12-06-2003 - 4:05pm |
I am really embarassed to bring this topic up but I really could use some advice on my situation. I had recently gotten a divorce from my husband of 7yrs which we had a 3 yr old daughter when we divorced. She is 5 now. I haven't really had much experience in the relationship department prior to my marriage to my now ex-husband and he was the person I lost my virginity to. We had been married for 2 years and everything seemed to be going great between us, he always treated me like there was noone else above me but then we purchased a computer and then came the internet and he started getting wrapped up in pornographic sites and often asked me to watch porno's with him and this was something I didn't really feel comfortable about but I would ever so often. One day he confronted me about what I would think about sleeping with someone else and I told him that I was satisfied with just having him and why couldn't it just be me and him. Well he didn't leave the subject alone and he would keep asking me about it and I would always tell him the same thing. Until after awhile and the more I thought about it the more I thought, well this is the only person I have ever been with and I was curious about what it would be like to sleep with someone else. So then comes the worst mistake of my life. I ended up sleeping with him and another guy that had been friends with us for quite some time. I felt at the time that at least I am not cheating on my husband since he did give me permission. Another big mistake. That happened 7 yrs ago when I was 22 I am now 29 and I am currently in a relationship that has lasted a little over a 1 1/2 and I am trying to save this relationship. My problem with this relationship is that when I first started seeing this guy I felt that it was no big deal at the time that I had this "threesome" and I ended up telling him about it in a way that I shouldn't have. Because when I told him about it I kindof acted like it was no big deal because I know how guys can be. But because I really liked him and I didn't want to have the guilt of doing something like that hanging over my shoulders. I didn't know how my ex-husband would be at the time and I was afraid that he would use this to get back at me since I was in this new relationship so I figured it was best that he heard it from me instead of my ex. My guy was really upset when he found this out about me because he never pictured me to be the type of person to do something like that and it has hurt our relationship ever since. And to be honest, I told him in the beginning when we first started seeing each other and now it has been a 1 1/2 and he still throws this up in my face. In this time I have really seen just how bad my actions were and I regret even the slightest thought of what I did but I cannot get him to understand that. He thinks that I am just feeling this way because of how he felt about it and he told me that once you do something like that 9 times out of 10 you will do it again. But I have been trying to get him to understand just how much I hate the thought of what I did and I never ever would do anything like that again. I know I should just leave him and move on since it has been 1 1/2 of trying to get him to see who I really am inside, but I really do love him and I feel like I am so much to blame for everything that has happened. I have found in him the person that I was once looking for in my husband, just someone who wanted to only be with me, and now I feel like I have ruined everything. And I think that the reason why it is so hard to leave him is because I feel like he is just always going to label me as a whore and I don't want to go out of this relationship with him feeling that way about me. I had no respect for myself 7 yrs ago. But I have more respect for myself now than what I could ever have and I have told him that and one thing that I have asked him over and over is why are you still with me if you feel so bad about what I did and why didn't you just walk away when I told you these things and he said that it was because he loved me and that he knew that he loved me before he ever went out with me because he had been working up the nerve to ask me out for three months. I am sorry that this message is so long but I could really use some advice on what to do. I don't want to waste a 1 1/2 of being with someone that I am in love with by ending this way. Please if anyone out there can give me some advice I could really use it.

we all make mistakes, and especially in trying to save our marriages we will do things to please our (abusive/controlling) spouses. not saying that what you did (the threesome) was right--- but you have paid the emotional price for that, and I daresay you would not being do THAT again.
this is not something that your current BF should be holding over your head. its really not his business - you told him, you regret it, its not like you harmed anyone else but yourself really --- its over. now he is making you feel bad? and what are you doing about that - you are trying to appease him, trying to do whatever you can to save THIS relationship. does that look like a pattern to you? it sure does look like a pattern to me. BTDT honey, and until you "get it" - that you need to first being looking out for YOU, and pleasing YOU - you are going to continue in this type of pattern.
II am sorry for your pain. I really think that this guy is not right for you, nor is this a healthy relationship....
he better get over it or he's going to ruin your relationship.
this isn't your problem. he's making you feel like you have to jump through hoops to "prove" something to him that isn't any of his business.
get your backbone back and kindly ask him to stop focusing on something that happened 7 years ago... for heaven's sake, you didn't tell him so he'd pass judgment and try to make you feel like YOU have to save the relationship. what's he doing throwing it in your face after over a year?????
i don't like how that sounds... you certainly don't need to keep answering for something you did almost 1/3 of your life ago.
tell him to quit it or you'll leave him. what he's doing is bordering on the not-so-nice.
Carrie
Honestly, this guy is NOT treating you with the respect you deserve and you need to get him to change that immediately or get the hell out of this situation.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
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