husband wants to seperate

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
husband wants to seperate
4
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 6:53pm
I have been married for 6 years, and have 3 children ages 7, 5, and 3. My husband told me the middle of October that he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. I instantly thought that he was seeing someone else, or had someone in mind and had just not made a move. He has swore up and down that there is noone else, that there is just something inside him he feels like he needs to do. The people that he works with are all young, (he's only 26, but they are average 19-24) and they all go out every weekend they have off, go to the bars. They don't have responsibilities like he does though. It feels like he wants to be single again. He is willing to come see the kids, but wants nothing to do with being a husband. He used to have a very strong sex drive, now he won't come near me.

Last night he told me that we needed to separate because he can't figure out what he wants with me around. He said there is something inside of him he needs to do, just doesn't know what that is. He asked me to be patient with him, to not give up on us while we are separated.

I guess my question is Is what he is asking for valid? Should I have the sole responsibility of this family while he goes out with his friends, has a "single" life until he decides that he wants to be a husband and full time dad again? Do I let him go and hope that he comes back to me? I love him so much, and really want this to work.

Any advice is greatly needed, and welcome.

Thanks in advance

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 1:23am

huuuugggsss! I am so sorry for what you are going thru right now...


I am not sure I understand ---- is he asking you to sit and home, take care of the house and kids, mutual finances, etc etc while he goes off and has his "fling", and THEN he will decide if he *really* wants to be married or not? I don't get that.


i understand tha you two got married young, he was a father at age 19 (how old are you) , you have three kids, etc etc. but hey, that's life, and he does has responsibilities.


before this goes even one more step, I would suggest some marital counseling. It doesn't sound like he doesn't LOVE you - it sounds more like he is overwhelmed with the responsibilities and wants to feel carefree again. well ---- he can. but within the parimeters of "you are a married man". see if you can reach some kind of compromise that you can both live with - let's say - he gets one night off a week where he can go out, drink, whatever (as long he doesn't sleep around). or he goes away for one night without you and the kids (again, no sleeping around). and yes - you get the same!


If that doesn't work, I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 5:23pm
Sorry to hear you're in this rough situation. I don't know what you should do... I don't know anyone who's taken a break or gotten separated only to reuite and have a longlasting successful, happy marriage. I'm sure it happens, but I just don't have any personal experience with it. One thing I wanted to advise you -- make sure when you do separate that you DISCUSS the TERMS of that separation, and hope he sticks to them. You have every right as his wife to know if he is sleeping with other women or dating, etc. If that's solely why he's leaving, then get a divorce, not a separation. Marriage is marriage. You don't get to break out of it and sleep around when you get an urge to. If he can't stand by the commitment he made, then he needs to officially break it. Don't be a doormat. Your marriage is the relationship role model for your children and they aren't going to benefit from being in a dysfunctional situation. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 9:35pm
I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you want answers, reasons, and specifics and he can't give that to you. A separation doesn't need to be about anything specific like another woman or other people influencing him and if he is telling the truth I commend him for being honest and telling you what is happening before he turns to another woman.

'Do I let him go and hope that he comes back to me?'

You can't make him stay or change his desire to leave.

So what can you control? talk to him about how often he is going to see the kids. Think about how long you are willing to 'not give up on him while you are separated'.

'Is what he is asking for valid? '

Valid how? If it is what he feels then it is valid. You can't question that. Ask him if he is interested in marriage counseling but remember that counseling isn't productive for couples if one person really wants out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 2:24pm
Should I stay or Go: How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage, Lee Raffel and Jean Jouston


Carrie