help me make a decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
help me make a decision
3
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 6:25am
I am a middle aged (approaching 50), just separated female. For the past 4 years I have been in a sexual relationship with my boss. We also have a very good working relationship. He is supposedly very happily married but earlier this year he told me that he has another lady friend he 'sees' occasionally (about once every three months). This did not disturb me greatly as our sexual activities are far more regular than that. We have great sex together and I feel really comfortable doing things to him that I would never in my wildest dreams have done years ago. He also knows things about me that I never even discussed with my ex-husband. He has just told me that he is just 'providing a service' to this other woman but I feel as if he meant that I was just being provided a service to as well. I also have a deep down feeling that there are other women too. I don't know what to do. Should I keep on having sex with him (as i really love it and would find it hard to give it up) or should I just try to forget about him and get on with my life? I am in a real quandry. I know what I should be doing but I would just find it so hard to give up something I need for pleasure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 8:58am
If you are willing to cheat on your husband with a married man just for the sex then you take the risk of STD's and of being treated like an unpaid prostitute - obviously you are lying to yourself and have gotten emotionally attached from what is to him purely sex and it's probably a thrill because you also work for him. But your emotional attachment is your problem - the other problem I see is - how do you justify your behavior - cheating on your husband (you said you were recently separated but had been cheating for years and separating is still married), hurting your boss's innocent wife, etc.

He probably is sleeping with other women and be lucky if he remembers your name and keeps you on the payroll - and I hope you are not passing these values (not!) along to your children, if any.

Enjoy the sex - while it lasts - my guess is he will get bored once you have tried all your little tricks over and over again - looks like he's already getting bored, from what your post says. You say you need pleasure - no, you want the sexual pleasure at the expense of everything that could be of value in your life and at the expense of his wife, etc - want and need are two different things - it is your sole focus on your own pleasure rather than considering values and other people that got you into this mess- what about making the choice that you do not want to be serviced or to service someone who uses you just for sex and who is cheating on his wife, that you don't want to be a person who would cheat on her husband and prioritze sexual pleasure over values and integrity and self esteem - don't you want a healthy relationship with a single person (once you are single, which you're not) that includes love and caring along with sex - how is it that you have reduced yourself to this level - all for the orgasm? I find that hard to believe - what I would do - no contact, quit this job, get a good therapist and decide that your pleasure should not take priority over self destruction and the destruction of others - you have the chance to change - why not take it and be a woman who can be a true role model.


Edited 12/7/2003 9:03:05 AM ET by deena33

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 10:05am

he told you he is *just* "providing a service" for some other woman? geez, I thought that that kind of reasoning disappeared together with neolithic man...


sorry hun, I think you are seeing more in this "arrangement" (I mean the one between you and he) than he is. essentially, you are just another woman to whom he is "providing a service". (sorry, but this REALLY irks me!!!). but honestly - you already know he is not capable of being faithful anyway, because he is already cheating on his wife!


see- if it were JUST a sexual relationship, then you wouldn't be busy discussing personal stuff with him, and the fact that he had other women wouldn't bother you.


the fact that he is also your boss- is also unhealthy for you.


in short - if you are asking, then NO I don't think you shold continue with this "arrangment" (I can't call it a relationship because it isn't). you might want to see a therapist and discuss why you would see a married man in the first place.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 5:14pm
Your post is disturbing on so many different levels it's hard to know where to begin. You must have that naive "can't happen to me" mentality or be so fortunate as to not know anyone with an STD or HIV. If you did, you wouldn't be putting yourself so foolishly at risk the way you are. Healthwise, you are sleeping with all the women he sleeps with, as is the poor woman who is unfortunate enough to have married this loser. You are being very foolish, and not just in regard to your health. Lady, you must have little or no conscience or empathy for others. You "need this for pleasure"? How selfish can a person get? Good luck to everyone who is unlucky enough to cross your path.