sex and money (and age)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
sex and money (and age)
23
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 2:16am
Hello All,

This is my first time using IVillage so here it goes. I did not sleep with anyone before I was married. Now my husband and I have been completely separate for a year and a half and I am sleeping with another man. Not only that, but he is 50 and I am 30. The age difference doesn't matter. In fact, I like it. He makes a great deal of money, almost as much as my former. Although he is cheap, he does spend some on me. Our favorite thing to do is to go shopping and he buys me the most expensive clothes. (My former never even spent any money on clothes.) He says that I look good in clothes.

I am a sexy dark blond. I guess I could get any guy I wanted, and I am young enough to do it. My husband has not given me a penny and I may never see anything (It's a long story). I am in difficult times here and the poverty is killing me. I feel like I am going through a very shallow stage in life. I really do love him and the money could be a part of that attraction, but only a small part (although it is a requirement at this stage in my life).

We are both very religious and we are having a difficult time with everything. First of all, we are two different denominations. Secondly, we both don't believe in sex before marriage. A friend of the family said that I should marry him. I think I would like to do that. I am trying to get my divorce finalized but it is taking time. It may take years the way things are going.

We talk about marriage, but I can tell in him that he is afraid of marriage. He even states that sometimes.

When I say "I love you" he says nothing or "love you." He said that it is too early for me to say that. We have been dating since July and sleeping together for a couple months. Actually, I guess we have only been dating for about two months (and a week).

It is difficult not sleeping with each other since we did it that one time. I have never had such great sex in my life, and I can tell he is holding back. (Although according to him he comes quickly and I can't figure out why.)

We keep trying to stop having sex and we just can't. We keep saying that we wish we would have waited, to have a friendship, then a romance, and then the sex. I don't mind the sex(!) but I do miss the romance. But then he is buying me clothes and stuff (things that turns him on) and now he want to buy a house so I can move out of my parents house. He has given me a small loan and my even help me get a real car. Come on -- this is romance. Right?

He is the first guy that I have dated that doesn't boss me around. And he is a boss at his work. Sometimes he does boss a little, but when he is paying for it I don't care. It is so refreshing to have someone listen to me and not tell me how to do things. He doesn't direct my future. He offers me great creative ideas (work, school) of what to do now that my husband has totally abused me.

This guy is great. I mean great. All the women are after him. All the guys are after me. It's fun going out with him. Sometimes I feel a bit smothered but I think I am smothering him even more.

Am I using him for sex and money? Should I be spending time with someone so old? My friend said that I should not be with someone so old because when I'm 50 he will be 70. If he had more money (to spend on me, not his grown kids) I won't think twice about taking care of him in his old age. I like older guys.

So ladies out there in the same situation, what did you do/do you do? Should I stay with him? If I leave him, how do I find someone else? We are looking for a counselor right now to help us out, so that should help. We just don't have anyone to talk to right now, since if anyone found out if would ruin both of our lives socially and professionally, and would hurt my legal issues.

Guys, what would you do if you were him? He states that he has never been so turned on in his life. I do believe this. Will it last? Am I "giving up my youth?" like my mother says?

He said today that some people have sex but don't ever want to get married. I have never heard of this before. Then he states that he feels like a hypocrite to his children and want to go back as friends. I don't know if we can do that. I mean, I guess I can, but I don't want to. He sometimes states that the relationship can stay the same. I told him let's wait until counseling until having sex again. Am I reading too much into this casual statement?

Secret

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 10:24am
It's all about what you value- which is obviously a pocketbook. What is the problem here?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 11:06am
'Sometimes he does boss a little, but when he is paying for it I don't care. '

Umm what???? It is o.k. for him to boss you around since you are a kept woman. That is what you are saying.

And you don't believe in sex before marriage but you have sex with this guy because it is good and he spends money on you. How do your religious values fit that?

'Our favorite thing to do is to go shopping and he buys me the most expensive clothes.'

Yes this is the foundation of your relationship.

'He has given me a small loan and my even help me get a real car. Come on -- this is romance. Right?'

Are you being sarcastic?

'He said today that some people have sex but don't ever want to get married. I have never heard of this before. '

You have never heard of people having sex and it not leading to marriage? Isn't that exactly what you have?

'If I leave him, how do I find someone else?'

What about not finding anyone else? What about being alone and going to therapy and figuring out why you are attracted to this dysfuntional situation. Your age difference is the least of your issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 11:28am
How to be succinct.....he's with you and able to spend on you WHEN HE wants, and be with you HOW/WHEN HE WANTS...becuase you're married and there is no way you can "have the talk" abut commitment and relatonship.

Apparently as you near a conclusion to your marriage, he has concerns that you're going to "want marriage" with him.....and he's telling you outright that some people have sex and never marry - and HE IS ONE OF THEM!

He has never wanted to "date you to pursue a relationship" - you're not available to have a committed relationship. He's dated you becuase it is fun, easy, convenient and no-obligation because you're married.

If you end up single and able to marry, and press him for it- he'll leave in the middle of the night and never return. HE didn't get in this to "get a relationship" -he got in this to have someone pretty on his arm, have sex with, buy things for to feel good, and because you're living in poverty and your luxuries and perhpas necessities are at his expense - he's able to be "in charge" - because you say nothing for fear of losing the benefits.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 9:07pm
Thank you for your responses.

My therapist states that I should not date just one person, but many casually. My therapist does not believe in sex before marriage, and it would be very bad if she found out. I could never tell her about this, so my boyfriend and I are trying to find someone to see together. (Twice a week for three weeks. Does this mean that we will break up in three weeks if it doesn't work out? I know, I worry too much.)

Another person, the friend of the family, is a phyphysiologistd she said that I should marry the guy. (She even met him once.) She said that she could see us living a happy life together. After being married to my husband, I don't want to change my lifestyle.

Look, it takes money to make money. I can't go up in life with work or school if I am just poor with no alimony. I am going through hell right now (it is very complicated) and he is great.

Not that I ever cared for money while I was married. I had to leave my husband because of an abusive relationship (yes, it happens to rich people too) and now have to face more poverty than ever in my life (my whole family is not doing well now). Now I guess I care for money. I can't work too much because of certain issues which my boyfriend knows all about at this point. He is supportive.

I am looking into a couple houses tomorrow. If I do move out of my parents house and into this new house my parents are going to know something is fishy. They know that I can't afford my own house. They may not let me back into the house if my boyfriend and I don't work out. And no one of his side of the family or friends will know that it is him that owns the house. One of the houses is for two families. Is that weird?

I think he feels like he should grab me before someone else does. He is probably correct. The men out there are just terrible. Really, he is the best arraroundre. Maybe I should move to a big city or something. (I won't do that because I would be away from my family. I'm done with that.)

He once said that we are using each other. I don't feel it. He is not like this. He has not had sex in five years, has only slept with one person (she was 12 years younger) a short time after the marriage. Then besides brief relationships he dated someone his own age for a long time and then he broke if off with her. I wonder why he has not been married up to this point? Is he afraid of marriage? He doesn't want to have children with me (my guess is that he does not want the inheritance money outside these children.)

I am giving him my youth. I would like him with or without the money. I just wouldn't feel like I needed him so much. How do I talk him into marriage? Do I marry him? What do we talk about in our six counseling sessions? Are there any good books out there about this?

The person that said that I should be alone right now could be right. My therapist would agree with her. It is just going from over a six digit income family to food stamps (and getting off of them because of the husband) is just too much for me right now. He said that I was an "all or nothing" type of person. What does that mean? I have no dating experience. What am I going to do???

Secret

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 9:35pm
'My therapist does not believe in sex before marriage, and it would be very bad if she found out.'

I strongly suggest you find a new counselor. One that doesn't inflict her values on you, act like your mother and make you feel like you might get into trouble by telling her the truth. This is not a helpful, productive situation.

'Another person, the friend of the family, is a phyphysiologistd she said that I should marry the guy. '

I wouldn't take the relationship advice of a biologist as the be all, end all.

When I read your posts I see a confused person. You are often contradicting yourself. Do you see that?

'I had to leave my husband because of an abusive relationship (yes, it happens to rich people too)'

The posters here are quite bright and educated and are very aware that abuse crosses all economical levels. Was there a good amount of time in between relationships? Did you get a chance to really evaluatre the relationship and why you married an abusive man? Or is this guy just an escape?

'He once said that we are using each other.'

Translation: He is using you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 10:06pm
Thank you for your reply. You sound very smart. I have been away from my husband a year and a few months, and dating a few months. Anything I say to my therapist can be used in court, so I am trying to be very careful.

He is using me. But I am using him. What can I do to have him prove that he is not using me? Give me a bigger loan? Write a contract that I can live in the house is buying for me to live in for a year? Borrow money to buy a car?

I think he is willing to do it. I should be getting $1500 per month in alimony if I win (I may great a great deal less or ,more likely, none at all.) I could pay him once I start getting support checks.

He is serious that he want to buy me a house. Something small that won't break the bank or something that he can rent out to different people. (He actually has millions of dollars but it all goes to his children. It is a long story.)

Well, at least he said that I can get lots of clothes. This is a good step in the right direction. I shouldn't be dating anyone right now anyway, so it can't hurt anything to be with him. And it should be kept quite because I am in this messy divorce that may literally never end.

My boyfriend said that he wanted to elope, but I am married.

Yet I can tell he is afraid of commitment. I don't know. Yes, he is using me. But my goodness what are the benefits. Now if I would just stop spending so much time with him and so much worrying about loosing him.

If he is using me do we stop having sex? This actually could strengthen the relationship since he feels so bad about it. My guess is that it would stop the clothes shopping before sex and perhaps everything else. I wish I knew more about dating. I could be much better than him.

Secret

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 1:35pm
Sorry, I know this isn't the point of the post or discussion at ALL, but . . .

"Your age difference is the least of your issues."

I disagree. And an age difference is not an "issue". It's a choice. I don't think it's quite fair to all those May/December relationships out there to lump it in with her other choices such as being very religious, yet still having premarital sex. And letting a guy boss her around b/c he holds the purse strings. And not being able to be completely honest with her shrink.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 2:34pm
He is without a doubt using you. That's not to say that he doesn't care about you, but don't read anymore into it. Men with money have power, and they can pretty much buy, say and do whatever they want to. And it doesn't matter how attractive you are, there is always someone more attractive or younger or whatever. So, if you want to continue a relationship with this man, accept it for what it is. You are giving him something he wants,and he is reciprocating with money. If it's not you, it will be someone else. So, if your okay with the reality of the situation, enjoy it. But keep your heart in check, and ask yourself, if he was poor, would you still want to be with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 3:15pm
That was thrown in there to take the focus off of the *REAL* problem. Of course age has nothing to do with her situation. I wouldn't take offense because it's *real* clear what her value system is, and I get the feeling from reading your previous posts that yours is completely different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 3:27pm
'What can I do to have him prove that he is not using me? Give me a bigger loan?'

Honestly when I read your posts I don't know if you are kidding or not.

I think you need to seek counseling for yourself to figure out who you are, what you really want and get clarity on what your values and priorities are.

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