Made a stupid late night phone call
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Made a stupid late night phone call
| Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:47am |
I've been seeing a pretty good guy for three months, but last week, we hit a snag. We went away together and through another conversation, he told me about an ex-girlfriend of his whom he described as gorgeous, sey, but bitchy. Gess which two adjectives I latched on to? I tried to shake it off, but by Monday I was still upset he actually said that about her to me, especially since he is rarely free with complimentary adjectives about me.
So I sent him an email, and we talked, and I thought things were OK. But Saturday night, I tried to do something really special for him, a night of watching movies, candlelight and wine. I dressed up really nice, hoping he would notice. He came over in a "half-assed" mood as he put it, because he was sick. Well, I'm not sure how it happened again, but again his ex-girlfriend came into the conversation, as well as the fact I haven't been to his apartment in the three months we've dated as he was leaving. I called him when he got home, and then I felt all right, that things were OK between us.
Well, I woke up Sunday and then felt really cranky. So I wrote him an email, inspired by the ghost of his sexy ex-girlfriend, Cosmopolitan magazine, and a desire to be noticed. I told him what I wanted to do to him if I ever was able to come to his house.
No reply. And then here is where it gets really awful. I was angry again, and called him on a Sunday at 2:30 a.m. wanting to talk. He hung up on me (don't really blame him) after he said he would talk with me Wednesday, when he would be done wih student evaluations. I don't know what possessed me, and as I type to you now, I'm not even sure what it is I wanted to say at that time.
I feel horrible. I then wrote him another email before I went to bed at 5 saying I was truly sorry about the stupid note before and calling him at such a late hour, that I did appreciate him and liked having fun with him, and would forget everything he said about his ex. I just wanted to get back to having fun with him and enjoying his company, I realized I have been trying too hard to please him and just want to be myself from now on.
I'm scared he'll break up with me for being such an ass this past week, even though I stand by the idea that he really should not have mentioned her anyways. He even told me that Saturday, but apparently that wasn't good enough for my irrational mind.
I teach at a uni in Korea, and really, as pathetic as this sounds, think that part of the problem is that I am not busy enough, but have no idea how to occupy my time. How can I be like that? "I'm bored so I need to pick on something till it bleeds."
As I said I emailed him a sincere apology, and will not call him until Wednesday if he doesn't call me then. I know I royally screwed up. How can I make myself feel better and how can I tell him I know I made a mistake in judgment and that I am not crazy????
So I sent him an email, and we talked, and I thought things were OK. But Saturday night, I tried to do something really special for him, a night of watching movies, candlelight and wine. I dressed up really nice, hoping he would notice. He came over in a "half-assed" mood as he put it, because he was sick. Well, I'm not sure how it happened again, but again his ex-girlfriend came into the conversation, as well as the fact I haven't been to his apartment in the three months we've dated as he was leaving. I called him when he got home, and then I felt all right, that things were OK between us.
Well, I woke up Sunday and then felt really cranky. So I wrote him an email, inspired by the ghost of his sexy ex-girlfriend, Cosmopolitan magazine, and a desire to be noticed. I told him what I wanted to do to him if I ever was able to come to his house.
No reply. And then here is where it gets really awful. I was angry again, and called him on a Sunday at 2:30 a.m. wanting to talk. He hung up on me (don't really blame him) after he said he would talk with me Wednesday, when he would be done wih student evaluations. I don't know what possessed me, and as I type to you now, I'm not even sure what it is I wanted to say at that time.
I feel horrible. I then wrote him another email before I went to bed at 5 saying I was truly sorry about the stupid note before and calling him at such a late hour, that I did appreciate him and liked having fun with him, and would forget everything he said about his ex. I just wanted to get back to having fun with him and enjoying his company, I realized I have been trying too hard to please him and just want to be myself from now on.
I'm scared he'll break up with me for being such an ass this past week, even though I stand by the idea that he really should not have mentioned her anyways. He even told me that Saturday, but apparently that wasn't good enough for my irrational mind.
I teach at a uni in Korea, and really, as pathetic as this sounds, think that part of the problem is that I am not busy enough, but have no idea how to occupy my time. How can I be like that? "I'm bored so I need to pick on something till it bleeds."
As I said I emailed him a sincere apology, and will not call him until Wednesday if he doesn't call me then. I know I royally screwed up. How can I make myself feel better and how can I tell him I know I made a mistake in judgment and that I am not crazy????

This is going to sound so blunt, and I am sorry because I don't want to upset you, but for gods sake, get a life!! You come across as being very needy, I mean, sending him an email to apologise for sending him an email? Come on girl!!
Maybe you should get a hobby, or join an evening class, and make some new friends. I bet you anything, as soon as you start getting a new life, and become busy and unavailable to him at every hour of the day, he'll soon come rolling back.
Hugs,
Tess x
Actually, I sent him the email because a) I am frankly embarrassed about 1) how I acted and 2) that first email, which just was not written in my kind of style, I was trying too hard, I feel, to wow him and impress him, and came off too much like a Cosmo article, in it, and b) our main method of communication, before he got a cell phone was email. No problem for me there to use email to talk with him.
He said he will call me Wednesday, and I am not going to speak to him until then. It's hard 'cause like I said, I feel I've been a total snit with him this past week, and just feel bad about how I have been treating him, and want to fix it.
I am definitely going to look into doing other things without him, but like I said it's not like I had ever said before we must see each other all the time. I've just been panicking over my foolishness, even though I don't think I am the only one to have ever thrown good judgment out the window when it comes to communicating in a relationship, and I think the best remedy is to see if he calls on Wednesday.
Do you think that he is still attracted to the ex-girlfriend and this could be the reason why you haven't been to his apartment? I find this to be very strange, especially after 3 months of dating.
Prior to dating him, what did you do for recreation? You say that you don't know how to occupy your time and that is why I asked this question. I think that you should do something that you really enjoy, perhaps exercising, reading, knitting, just whatever you like to do to occupy your time.
At this point, you need to let him come to you. You have apologized for your actions and if you are sincere, then he will see that and give you a call as promised.
So, even if he hasn't read the emails I last sent him yet, as I was concerned about stepping in it with that phone call I made, I'm going to take a deep breath and say I think I **might** be in the clear with this, and if he does have anything to say about the last couple of emails, then we'll work it out.
I plan to take everyone's advice to heart, and I appreciate everything that has been said. I've been hanging out with friends these past few days, got some DVD's loaned to me, am going to start working on a local newsletter again and may start hitting the gym again.
Sounds to me like you might be dealing with an anxiety issue. When I read your post it reminded me of me. Totally. I am now on medication for anxiety and although I'm a long way from having it under control, that, coupled with therapy, is helping me understand why I catastrophize situations. Sounds like thats what you may have done. Catastrophized. A classic reaction of an anxiety attack. I do it as well with my beau. The difference now is I don't let him see it. I call a friend or family member, I do my tantrum, I cry and tell myself houw stupid I was ect ect and then it passes. I have done the same thing and sent email after email apologizing and saying all the things I think he WANTS me to say. Ive learned its not about that. Its not abount FINDING the right person its about BEING the right person. And this takes work. And lots of it. I'm no doctor but you might want to read up on this or speak to someone. Maybe you have a pattern. Every time we had a fight, no matter how small, my thoughts would be : Oh my God he's going to leave me!! I cant deal with it!! what have I done!!...Really dramatizing. I know those thoughts were out oy my control. I needed to learn and new thought process. For me , I'm at the stage where all I can do is talk it out with someone rational. Eventually it passes. Its about damage control without going back to the source. Compounding it. Medication for me just helps take the edge of and allows me to be a little more rational in my thoughts. Now I can sometimes say Hey! Wait a minute! I did nothing wrong!. I tended to blame myself for everything. SInce Ive gotten a little bit stronger (which is very recently), my beau seems to have a new respect for me. He's kinder, softer and more affectionate. I know I'm on the right track yet I know i will catastrophize again. But every day I'm more and more in control of my emotions.
This may or may not be the case for you. But I thought I would throw it out there for you to consider. I really saw myself in your post. Thanks for that..it was a good reminder for me.
Best of luck!
Em.