husband told friend about fight

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
husband told friend about fight
20
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 11:16am
i thought that my fight with my husband was over until i heard him discussing it with one of his friends on the phone. i was in the next room and i heard him mention my name. so i began to listen. that's when i heard him saying that he didn't think that what i say and believe are the same things and discussing the fight like we were still fighting. in my family we were never supposed to talk about personal things with other people outside the family. so i was extremely embarrassed when i heard him doing this and extremely mad that he wouldn't come to me and tell me how he really feels. was this considered badmouthing and was i wrong to get mad at him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 12:07pm
Yeah, I totally agree with you! I was raised the same way - whatever happened in our household, stayed in our household. I have never had this happen to me, but I can imagine that you have feelings of betrayal (and you should). Also, I would wonder just how much he has told to the friend in the past. Meaning that this is just your 1st time catching him - whose to say what else he has discussed and in how much detail. Eery...

After you have calmed down, I would definitely discuss this matter with him and just explain that you want to keep whatever issues that you two have between you two. Explain to him that you are upset because you had to hear him telling someone else about his true feelings when he should have expressed them to you. There is no need to get other people involved in your personal affairs.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 12:17pm
I think this is just a matter of people having different ways of dealing with things. You were raised not to discuss this type of thing outside the family and maybe in his family people discussed this kind of thing with friends. Maybe he was venting or maybe he was trying to get an outside opinion to see if he was way off base. I don't know.

I don't think you were wrong to get mad at him - if that's how you felt, then that's how you felt. How you deal with your anger is what's important. If you yelled, then that probably wasn't very effective and will probably just prolong the fight rather than coming closer to a solution. If you talked to him and told him how you feel about him talking to other people about your fights - embarassment, invasion of privacy, and all that - and asked him not to discuss things like that with his friends, then you probably came closer to solving the issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 12:18pm
did you talk to him about his phone call? what did he say?

and what in the world was he doing making that kind of call when you were in the house??

duh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 1:05pm

I completely disagree with you huggz.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 1:21pm
My opinion is in the middle.

I think that if it was a family member he would be wrong for talking about it because family members remember even after the fight has been resolved.

However, since it was a friend I think there is nothing wrong of him getting a different perspective. I think that ultimately will help you because the friend isn't emotional and may get logic into his head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 1:48pm

did you and he have some kind of agreement what you will say about the marriage and to whom? if not, I don't know why you are getting upset. just like in your family you were taught one thing - I am assuming that in his family he was taught something else. doesn't make either of you right or wrong - just different.


i actually think that what he did was correct -unless he really WAS badmouthing you. which is not what this sounds like. he was upset, and was looking for support and a sounding board - someone who was not directly involved in the fight. that is a healthy attitude.


jmho

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 1:53pm
:::This is the same principle when someone goes to a therapist, and that is exactly the role a friend is supposed to serve in your life.

I totally disagee.....friends have a tendency to gossip, where as your therapist won't.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:29pm
If your friends have a tendancy to gossip then they are not your friends.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 5:02pm
I have to agree here. Confidants, by definition, aren't the gossipy type. I have certain friends and family members that I know I can tell them anything and they will never breathe a word of it to another living soul. These are also the people who I know will give me their honest opinions about things and tell me if I screwed up. I have other friends and family members who I would never tell anything I didn't want to see on the 6 o'clock news.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 6:26pm
I think it was poor communication on his part. He indicated to you that the conflict was resolved, but he obviously still had issues. He should discuss those issues with YOU if he expects to resolve them. What you overheard was him venting to his friend - something many people do, but he really should be trying to work it out with you. Did you ask him about this when you were calmer? That's what I would suggest. Don;t accuse or attack, just say "I overheard you talking to Bob about our argument and I'm concerned about something you said to him that you did not express to me." or something to that affect. Best of luck!

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