Man needs some advice
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| Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:41pm |
This is the first time I've ever posted to a message board for advice. I just can't seem to talk to anyone else about it.
I'm a 31 year old man in a year long committed relationship with a woman. We recently moved in together.
I love this woman. She is the love of my life. She says she loves me as well, and I believe, but there are some issues.
#1.) At times I've written her long letters letting her know how much I love her and care about her. She always responds with "I love you too" and "I wish I can reach down into myself and write how I feel", but she never seems to be able to. She will write lovely thoughts, but nothing too openly passionate or loving.
#2.) A physical issue. Our physical life has had it's ups and downs. My fault at times and sometimes hers. Sometimes she seems totally uninterested, and as if she's being intimate with me only to make happy, but without getting any happiness herself. I don't really know if this a truly sexual issue. We do have some great physical encounters, and are able to bring each other to the right point, but often her mind seems elsewhere, and she doesn't seem to lust or burn for me. Also, she rarely initaites anything, saying she feels embarressed to.
Now, if that's the only information you have to go on one might say that maybe that's just not in her nature to be that way, and I'm expecting to much. If this were the case fine. The way she loves me is great. My only problem is the concern that she doesn't truly burn for me.
The situation changes when I give you guys a little more info. Ok, now don't think I'm a total jerk, but here's what I did. First, while on our computer. It recently became "our" computer. I accidently came across a folder named "Mike". I wasn't looking for anything, I swear, but I became curious, I'm sorry. So I looked inside and there were pictures she took of herself. Very sexy and passionate pictures. Nothing too obvious and leud, but beautiful and senual. One of them was named "Waiting to see you". The pictures were from about a year before we met.
Mike, I know, is an ex-boyfriend, although she never really told me that. We were on a train once and she ran into someone named mike. She said they were "mostly friends", but it seemed like they were more.
At this point I'm thinking, wow, this woman who doesn't seem to be able to initiate anything, and often lacks passion seems much different than the woman who would go through the trouble to take these revealing pictures of her and send them with such boldness. She's never really done anything like that for me.
Ok, I suppose that in itself is not that bad. It goes on though. I did something else that I'm not proud of. The other day I came home and her email was open. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have, but I did. I went through it. In it I did find many flattering references to me, which I enjoyed naturally, but then in a another folder was her letters to and from Mike.
The moment I read one I wished I hadn't. They ran from about almost two years before we met, to the last one, a few weeks after our first date. These were deep and passionate letters where she was poetic and bared her soul. She was intimate and open. Where to me she would write "i wish I could tell you" to him she wrote everything. Her thoughts spilled onto the page in a flood passion.
As I said the last one was sent by her a few weeks into our dating. Since then she has had no contact. I don't think she is connecting him at all, and that's not really the issue.
One of the issues is she always told me she never had a serious relationship since moving to boston, about 4 years ago. This was obviously not the case. Then again, I don't think Mike was an actually boyfriend. From what I gathered in my snooping ( I know I shouldn't have done it) her was in another relationship, and perhaps she wast he other woman. He would only turn up now and then. So I believe she went out with other guys, but kept this Mike always in the background. This scares the hell out of me naturally.
She eventually got sick of Mike not being able to commit to her. I guess that's where I come in. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but there's no question that I'm a very loving, caring, and attentive partner. There's no questioning that I love her, and that I'm committed to her. We've talked of marriage and growing old. We're at a point where it's pretty much locked up (other than the ring, which may be coming soon if I can get through this). We've discussed havign children and moving away from the city and everything. We're great together. Amazing companions. We never tire of each other. Basically, I think I'm everything she always wanted from Mike, but never got.
The problem is, am I what she got from Mike? It doesn't look like I am. It doesn't seem like the passion is there. I lust for her, and I know she find me attrative, but she doesn't seem to lust for me. Plus, she doesn't feel open enough to fully express herself to me in the passionate and poetic way she did to Mike.
So I'm worried that I'm just the safe guy who you settle down with. I know she loves me, but I'm afraid she's sacrifacing some inner passionate self of hers to stay with me. I believe she met me, this guy who loves her and treats her better than anyone has ever treated her, and she figures, how can I not love him?
I don't want to go through life with a woman who can't give me all of her. With a woman who muffles her passion. Maybe it's not that big a deal. Maybe we just have a different sort of relationship. Maybe ours is more grounded in reality, and the one with Mike was more of a fantasy. Afterall, he was never someone she saw everyday. She never had that kind of life with him. I suppose some distance makes passion more possible, but since we're together so much we become more domestic.
I'm not sure though. I can't be sure. I don't want to talk to her about it because I'm afraid it will hurt her. I'm afraid she'll be sad that she's not pleasing me enough or something.
I just don't know. I need some advice. What do you guys think? Is she longing for a passion like she had with Mike? Am I a rebound guy that she's decide to hitch herself to for life? Should I talk to her about it?
Please help. I know I'm a jerk for looking through her things, but I couldn't help it. I had these feelings before I saw the pictures and the emails. They just seems to add more weight to my fears.
Please help. I love this woman, but I can't stay with her if she really doesn't want me.

There are a few different issues here:
1.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
If YOU took off for a few months...and lived alone....do you think this woman would REALLY MISS YOU? "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"...or...TERMINATES MOST RELATIONSHIPS ENTIRELY! Obviously, co-habitation together has become somewhat stale for each of you.
And yes...YOU WERE A JERK for looking through her private files. Despite the fact that couples can be 'together' on the same computer...don't you think that each half is entitled to a little bit of privacy? What if the situation had been reversed...and your g/f had discovered something "unusual" about you?
Now if you're planning to go through your entire life worrying: "DOES SHE LOVE ME AS MUCH AS SHE LOVED 'MIKE'....GIVE THIS WHOLE THING UP...AND FIND A WOMAN WHO WANTS
EXCLUSIVITY WITH YOU! Making comparisions between yourself and someone else will only be frustrating...and in the end...you might be the one who ends up 'holding the short straw!'
While Pianoguy senses that 'passion' means a lot to you....YOU need to realize that the longer you're with another person....the definition of PASSION will probably change. The longer that a couple stays together and becomes 'comfortable'...a lot of the spontaneous combustion from the early part of a relationship begins to disappear. So if you are honestly looking for that "wild--out of control woman" you met a few months ago, you'll probably be disappointed?
But your primary mission...assuming you don't want to end this or give yourself a couple of months away from this lady...IS TO LEARN TO RESPECT HER RIGHT TO PRIVACY!
Lamenting about being a 'naughty boy' and snooping (after the fact) is a little lame, don't you think?
Pianoguy
I am going through a similiar situation also. My ex and I have been together for 2 years, I have been giving him everything, he even said he's never been with someone who's given him so much love. But what I want and need to flourish, he's wasn't reciprocating, so I ended the relationship (just 2 days ago). I was trying to suppress those feelings and even tried to change for him. But I just ended up feeling bitter that he wasn't willing to give more, and the hardest thing is I know he can because he's shown it. We still love each other very much, but sometimes two people just don't work. You can only try so much but you have to be true to yourself and realize there are certain things you need. What does your gut tell you? Don't ignore it!
Seems to me that the best thing to do would be to confess your snooping and discuss your fears and concerns with her.
You have never been married before, right? I know from my own experience that it is difficult to be close to someone after being hurt.
It's plain to see how in love with this woman you are, and I can understand how you must feel right now.
What i'm going to say isn't necessarily what anyone else thinks, this is not "a woman's view", it's my view on it, so feel free to make of it what you will!
I think that maybe she finds it hard to express herself in a passionate way to you, not because she doesn't FEEL passion for you, but because that's the nature of your relationship, or maybe how it started out.
Ok, so passion, and that "burn" u mentioned are great, it makes us feel desired, sexy, loved and a hundred other great things, but to me, security and stability can me as much of a turn on. Look to the other things she does that make you feel good, the things she knows about you and does for you that nobody else does.
With regards to Mike, I understand that you were hurt by seeing that she has done the things you crave her to do with you for someone else, but different people bring out different sides of our personality. If Mike wasn't her partner, and possibly someone elses, chances are she was feeding from her own infatuation, idealising Mike into something he wasn't, therefore leaving herself feeling more open to display her feelings for him.
When I need and want someone or something I can't have, I tend to put everything I have into it because I get caught in the moment. Infatuation for someone who doesnt give me back what I am putting in tends only to encourage me to give more...in the hope it will be reciprocated.
What are the chances that had her and Mike become an item, that she would have hit reality and reverted to being the woman you know her as now?
The fact that she dated you while still talking to him show that he really wasn't what she needed and she came to you because YOU are!
Maybe you should admit to snooping, tell her what you found, and explain to her how you feel about it. Do it without accusation, and don't be confrontational, or she will just get on the defensive.
I hope it all works out for you