He said "I need a break"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
He said "I need a break"
18
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 11:18pm
5 weeks ago I met a guy through a friend because he asked if she knew anyone that he could meet? he just wanted to find someone he could spend time with and love. We liked each other alot right away and after the first week, we spent everyday together for the next three weeks. He came on strong from the beginning. Flowers, phone calls, declarations, he came to my house everyday, initiated phone calls several times a day, insisted this was just not infatuation and he wanted to take further steps in developing a relationship. Said he wanted to take care of me, etc. After four weeks we went a a short trip together to visit his family...he became aware of some serious problems with his ex and kids(they were moving with no place to go, unplanned relocation etc.) he still wanted to go on the trip, but it was cut short and he dropped me off at home and said he'd call after he picked up the kids and figured out what was going on. He never called - the next day I went to his house to see if he and the kids wanted to go to breakfast and he wouldn't answer the door or my calls, finally telling me that he was in a really bad mood and didn't want to talk to anyone and that I was making it worse. Since then a week ago, he has told me that he doesn't want to stop the relationship, but it was going too fast, he feel claustrophobic and that he needs space. He says his feelings haven't changed, but he needs a break. He won't answer my calls, but tells me he will call me-I just don't know when that will be. My question is: does he want to break up and just doesn't want to tell me? or should I not contact him at all and let him come back to me - which I might add I have not been successful at doing. Need advice...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 8:19am
hi.. i've been having similar problems! we've been together 1year & 5months. last november our relationship was so rocky & just when we're beginning to be "normal", a couple of days ago he asked for some space & time away from me. he told me he didn't want to see or hear from me, etc. he'll talk to me when he's ready. our last conversation was a mess, since he's already mad & telling me to "leave him alone". i thought it was really unfair & asked for a time frame. at first he said 2 months! how can they stay away that long? i think it became 2 weeks, i'm not sure. i haven't contacted him (it's hard!). i'm not sure when he'll contact me, i'm not sure if he will.. :( people told me different things. one said: how could i be together w/ someone who can't even handle the small things. another said since he asked for space, give him that..if he really loves you, he'll come back. my boyfriend told me there's no 3rd party, he's not looking for anyone else, all he needs is time away from me to think about things on his own. i'm paranoid he might go out with his ex & since he's going away for vacation, i'm not sure if he'll tell me when he leaves. & since there's no way we'll be talking soon, it's so frustrating to be "on-hold" & waiting.. hope we'll get some advice soon because we're on the same boat & i'm really helpless right now..
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 9:13am
boy, i'm hitting the same thing on my end. my GF of the past year broke up with me without warning about two weeks ago now -- after we had been together nearly every day/night for the past year. the days before the breakup were no different than any others -- lots of i love you's, can't wait to see you, etc., except for the day before when i noticed a little coldness and distance, even though we were sleeping together. there's no easy way around this -- i've made the mistake of trying to stay in contact in a limited way, first sending flowers, then mailing her the lyrics to one of our favorite songs, and maybe two or three phone calls. The last of which, yesterday, was met with a pretty cold response and instructions for me to not call until maybe next week when we could possibly go out to dinner. while i respect her needs, it is really hard, and today's her birthday and i feel like i shouldn't call or send her a card, or anything. unfortunately, in these situations, we who are left behind are left to wonder, worry, dwell and second-guess. it's not healthy but i haven't found a way to avoid it. Good luck and hang in there ....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 12:33pm
He doesn't sound like he's mentally capable of being in a relationship right now with all the other stressors in his life, and what usually starts out with a bang ends with the same kind of bang. You shouldn't have spent so much time with him in the beginning- you made yourself vulnerable and you didn't take any steps to protect your heart should this not work out for very long. You can't see things objectively when you rush into things like this. Post this on the Dating Doyenne board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 3:27pm
If the two of you were together everyday since the beginning, it's no wonder that she is feeling confused right now. It's hard to remain objective about a situation when you are constantly in it. It's not healthy to revolve your life around your partner, and not have space and time for yourself. She probably feels like she is about to suffocate, and the more you push, the less air she will have to breathe. Pushing her is a sure fire way to make her never want to be with you again. Why don't you quit calling her? Let her initiate contact with you. She asked for space so give it to her. If you can't handle it, you need to end things and just move on. I was in a relationship one time that I just needed a break from- I didn't necessarily want to end things, but I needed some room to breathe and re-evaluate my priorities. He didn't respect my wishes, kept calling, kept sending emails, etc., and I broke up with him for good. If you can't respect her enough to give her space and let her do some soul searching, she *WILL* be rid of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 8:40pm
so all we have to do is wait for them to come out of it? i haven't heard anything from him for 4 days & i'm wondering if it's ok that he hasn't contacted me yet? it's driving me nuts. i haven't tried contacted him also as to not "bug" him. but what if, worse comes to worse, he doesn't try to reach me anymore? should i trust the time frame he roughly gave & try to talk to him after that or should i just hold my breath? in a week or so, i know he's going out of the country for the holidays & i think he should at least tell me BUT if he doesn't & tell me it's still included in the space & time he asked from me, is that right? i know it's all what-if's & i'm thinking of all the possible bad things that can happen so i'll try to be strong & ready..
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 8:56am
I hate to say this but from my experience, a request for "time and space" marks the beginning of the end of a relationship. After all, communication is the key to everything. If there's something bothering him,then why can't he just talk to you about it? Time apart just makes things more strained between the two people. I went through this during the summer, with a request for time and space. I asked if a month was enough and he said yes. After that time, nothing ever came back to normal - I was the one who wrote first to break the silence after the month and he answered me in phrases from that time forth, never really giving me a reason for what went wrong. Finally, I am coming to terms with it, but when I hear the term "time and space", I go nuts. I think it's really unfair for people to behave like this. They are making it easier on themselves to break up this way, with no regard for how much they're hurting the other person.

I hope I'm wrong in regard to what's going on with your bf, but just thought I'd share my thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:18pm
You said that he told you that he had to remedy a situation with his ex and his kids? As in, they had no place to go? Well, that answers your question. He may be preoccupied with helping them out and along the way, patching things up with the ex. Who knows? At any rate, it would be best to move on. If he wants you as much as you say he did, he'll come back. In the meantime, I wouldn't sit around and wait. Time waits for no man.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:29pm

When someone shifts so very abruptly with no warning, this is not a good sign. It is a sign of emotional instability. Clearly, he could not sustain the emotional high he put himself and you on. Then when trouble arose in his personal life and he make uneasy, he crashed. This is not someone that can be trusted with your feelings. He is not showing any consideration of you at all, or how his sudden and abrupt behavior is making you feel. I would step back, take a long look and realize that though things "seemed" wonderful in the beginning, other parts of this person have now been revealed. It takes time to know who a person is. When we see someone handle pressure or difficult times, a more real picture of their true character and maturity arises. It's not a matter of whether he wants you, but why in the world would you want to be with someone who behaves this way? If this happened once, it will happen again. Let him go his way. Be glad that you saw the whole picture so early on, before you became more involved.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 7:30pm
First of all I appreciate everyone's ideas, support and words of experience. Statistically, either scenario could play out, he may come back (it's been 3 days since I've contacted him) but 11 days since we've actually seen each other in person. Or he may be looking for an easy way out and just doesn't want to break it off so abruptly. I am opting for the last because I can't stand to just wait. However, just waiting is what I'm doing because I still wait for his call.... there is no right answer to you see how it all plays out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 7:32pm
I think you may be entirely right. Anyway I printed it and will refer back to often. Thanks

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