Do I end it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Do I end it?
4
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 12:49am
My Boyfriend and I (both 25yrs old) have been together for 14 months, sexually active for the last 10. He is a great guy (for the most part) and we get along pretty well.

He has a pretty low sex drive (at least from what I would expect from a healthy 25yr old). If I'm lucky we will have sex about once a week. To make matters worse, I could go every day it he would go for it. He was raised Catholic and I fear was taught that sex was wrong and it may be hard for him to get over that. We were each other's first experiences with sexual intercourse (although he has been sexually intimate with previous girfriends). I try to be understanding and strong, but it is difficult.

I feel rejected all the time. He will occasionally show his affection for me in other ways, but I really long for a lively, exciting, existent sex life. He can also be a little inattentive toward me (studying first, me second most of the time) and obscene (seduction to him is grabbing my breast and wagging his tongue at me). This puts a huge strain on our relationship and I'm worried it will destroy it. I really like him and want to be a good girlfriend, but I also need to feel loved, attractive and wanted.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: jessicawd
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 9:58am

Teach him by example. If you want him to do romantic things for you- leaving love notes, lighting candles and drawing

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
In reply to: jessicawd
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 12:30pm
I disagree with showing by example. That is no gaurantee he will do anything different, and she will be even more resentful because she has tried so hard and got nothing in return. A lot of people make this mistake- or they "give to get", and it just doesn't work like that. With some people it does, but I doubt it will phase her boyfriend. He has distorted views on intimacy and sex, suggesting counseling to him sounds like a better idea.

I assume you have told him everything and more than what you have told us in your post. Am I right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: jessicawd
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 12:50pm

But, If he wont communicate to her, how can she expect him to be open to the idea of couneling.I am a firm beleiver that this might work, what does she have to lose?


I agree, if this doesnt work, her last resort needs to be counseling.But, again, alot of people, especially males, are not into going to something like this.Im not sure why, the only reason i can come up with is becaus eit makes them feel at fault and put on the spot looking for answers they may not have and in fact are there to find.


In general, I am think that we just need to be a suppport system, and helpl her thru this, no matter what she decides to do.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
In reply to: jessicawd
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 1:25pm
I'm hearing you, but I think the bottom line is that he can either want to change or he doesn't. Personally, I wouldn't stay in a relationship like this if he wasn't willing to get help- or if he didn't think he had a problem. Does he think he has a problem? Probably not. It's a big incompatibility, and I am all for working out relationships if that is a possibility- but this is an issue that will kill her self esteem and make her bitter. It initially sounded to me like she has tried already to make things different, and there hasn't been any changes. I don't think she should bend over backwards to do things in hopes that he will suddenly change. That is unrealistic. That will also cause her much more pain and resentment. That's a lot to lose if you have already been suffering because of this. If he is unwilling to talk about this- what can she do? She can either accept it or leave.