Help me pleae, I want her back

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Help me pleae, I want her back
6
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 5:58am
Ok, any advice or stories of inspiration from your own

>lives would be thoroughly appreciated. Please help me

>as I don't know where to turn.

>

>Basically I met my ex when I started uni, we fell head

>over heels with each other. Although we didn't move in

>we pretty much spent every night together for our

>first year and every day. In our second year we moved

>in together with some other friends. Things were great

>but in order to fund us we both worked night shifts on

>top of uni. We started to drift a little but we both

>knew we wanted to be together so worked hard to make

>things work, especially as we knew we were moving to

>London together for a year and then back to uni for

>our final year, there was a perfect model for us to

>work.

>

>My gf moved to London a month before, whilst alone I

>discovered she cheated on me and as a result we broke

>for a bit. I believe it was a huge mistake as she

>claims, her depression and tears proved this so please

>believe me on that notion. Anyway, I forgave her and

>moved to London with her in May. Things were amazing

>all summer, we were so happy to leave all the crap

>that happened back at uni behind us, with a new fresh

>exciting start in London. Again though work started

>putting pressure on us, as a result we drifted but

>still loved each other deeply. It all came to a head

>when she burts in tears saying she needed space,

>couldn't do the forever thing just yeat and felt

>trapped. Loving her so much I moved out to a freinds

>house, it's been 6 weeks split from our 2 year

>relationship. I'm sleeping on a matress on a living

>room floor with my clothes in bin bags with all my

>stuff at her house (her uncles).

>

>We recently started meeting up, going for drinks,

>laughing, saying we miss and love each other, even had

>sex. However we are both seeing meanigless people on

>the side as a rebound which we both know has no future

>but are using as some kind of relief or affection

>base. I know this is wrong and have ended mine. We are

>seeing each other this weekend for a trip away to a

>fashion show (she studies fashion and I got VIP

>tickets through work so thought it would be a nice

>gesture). Last night whilst at hers she burts into

>tears after admiting I was seeing this rebound. She

>told me she loves me, I'm the one, she'll never meet

>anyone like me and want to be with me so badly in the

>future but is scared of screwing up and going through

>the hurt again. She is moving back to uni at the end

>of Dec and I wont be there until Sept. She ays it will

>be too hard right now being apart, but when I'm back

>at uni we could really make another go which will work

>after we have hhad our space and developed. She says

>she still wants ti come down and visit me and wants me

>to come up and visit her.

>

>Is there a chance, I know she loves me and I know I

>love her and want this to work. I'm going to get on

>with my life but with her in mind, and us working.

>

>Sorry for the elaborate tale, but thought it best you

>know everything to advise me. Let me know what you

>think, please
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 1:19pm
To me it sounds as if she is scared, unsure, doesn't want to hurt you, but makes bad decisions and isn't willing to commit. So what can you do? Not much. She has to want to heal those things in herself.

However, you might consider reading this book:

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 1:31pm
You are asking a question that no one can answer. Only time will tell if this works out. In the meantime, live your life, do what makes you happy, and try to move on. Don't put your life on hold because there's a huge possibility that it won't work out just because of the age group and the circumstances. Hang in there. ((hugs))
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 6:36am
Why should the age matter? Should I sever all contact with her then? People say that I need to if I want her back, but when she's upset I can't help but comfort her and tell her she'll be alright. I can't see the person I love suffer, even if it means I'm suffering more?????
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 7:03am
Age comes into play because of the point both of you are at in your lives. Both of you are discovering new things, making new priorities, and changing. You do need to sever contact if you want to feel better, but that is your choice. She doesn't need to you comfort her like that or she wouldn't have ended things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 8:56am
Then why does she always come to me for comfort? Why does she tell me that she knows I'm the one but is scared that it wont work right now? I'm sorry for dumping all these questions on you. I don't think she is a cruel person but she seems to be living completely for herself right now with little or no regard for anyone else. Will serering contact improve my chances of getting back together do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 9:16am
You are allowing her to have her cake and eat it too. There is no way to know if she will come back to you, or if she does-that you will even want her. The whole point of moving on is to help YOU. You shouldn't put your life on hold and purposely sabotage yourself because of this girl. The only thing you are showing her is that she has you wrapped around her little finger, and that's not a good way to gain respect from anyone. Futhermore, it's hard for people to date someone they lose respect for. I know that you are hurting, I have been there before, but the only healthy option you have is to move on with your life and sever contact. Tell her that you will only talk if/when she knows what she wants because it's not fair to you to be kept on the backburner for "emotional support". You are right in that she is only thinking about herself, so you do the same. Why don't you go out and meet new people, enjoy your stay in England, figure out what makes YOU happy (and it's not another person!), and pursue your dreams. You want to know how to get her to come back, but what you need to do is start accepting that she broke up with you and it's a good possibility the two of you won't ever get back together.