My man can't talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
My man can't talk
6
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 5:58am
I am 26, and after a rocky and complicated 8 month relationship, I finished things with my partner. This was almost entirely down to three issues, his infidelity, jealousy, and lack of communication.

In the last two weeks we have decided to try again, as we still love each other very much.

I am dealing with the first two issues in my own way, but I cannot figure out a way of getting this guy to talk. He would rather run away than talk about his feelings with me.

I am a talker, I like to go through any problems and try and resolve them, but with my partner, it's as if there is an invisible wall that stops him from talking to me about anything personal. He gets very sensitive, and takes anything I say as a personal attack. How can I make him see that I am not unhappy with him when we fight, merely unhappy with the situation?

I can see myself with this guy for keeps, but the way he shuts me out makes me miserable.

Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 10:05am

First of, if infedility, jealousy, and lack of communication are his three main problems, why are you still with him?


So,you are telling me that this guy cheats on you, is kjealous of what you do, and to top it all off, he cant even talk about it with you?Sounds to me that he doesnt even know what he has.And, unfortunatley, alot of people dont untill it is gone.


If I were you, i would give him one more opportunity to talk things over with oyu.If he doesnt seem interested in doing so, then I would cut you losses and move on.With him apparently not even wanting to compromise, its hard to work things out when you are the only one trying.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 11:54am
I am still with him because we have all the ingredients of a good relationship, and neither of us want to lose that...having tried to be apart and failing.

He has very valid reasons for his insecure behaviour, from his past, which encourages me to try and understand the way he is.

I would like to correct you on the infidelity thing. He does not cheat on me, he HAS done once, as a one off during a pretty rough time in our relationship. I am not excusing this at all, it WAS unacceptable, and yes it still hurts, although we are working through that now.

He says he is willing to talk, but doesn't know how to express himself, he just gets angry and defensive and wants to run away from the situation. Once he is calm I can usually make my point with him and get him to understand that it is the situation, not HIM that I don't want.

I mainly need to find out a good way of getting him to open up without feeling under pressure, and how to ease his insecurity on our relationship without justifying myself all the time.

Thank you for your comments, they are appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 12:04pm
The way that you make excuses for him is just sad. Perhaps you're so defensive because you know this isn't a good relationship- how can you be in a relationship with a cheater, someone who is really insecure, and someone who won't talk to you? BTW, you can't excuse his cheating. How can you excuse someone's *present* behavior by blaming it on their past? That just gives them a free ticket to do whatever because "they had it so rough coming up". Very codependent. Geez, if he did all of this in 8 months, you'd be crazy to think that it will magically change or be different. Sounds to me like you are scared to be alone, and you are even more scared of demanding that someone treat you the way that you deserve. Sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 12:45pm

Im sorry, I must of misinterprested the infedilty thing, but hun, once is one too many times, ya know?


Anyways,How about keeping a relationship journal?Keep a log daily and take turns writing your emotions in it. If you are feelin like he is overreaccting, or getting jealous, write it down for him to go back and read.I feel that this is less confrontational, but still, if done correctly, has the potential to work wonders.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 1:09pm
He has very valid reasons for his insecure behaviour, from his past, which encourages me to try and understand the way he is.

He says he is willing to talk, but doesn't know how to express himself, he just gets angry and defensive and wants to run away from the situation.

He does not cheat on me, he HAS done once, as a one off during a pretty rough time in our relationship.

These three things are HIS problems. He has to want to change, learn, grow. The way it affects you - rebuilding trust, is very difficult to do without counseling.

Since he'd rather run away, I'm not sure how open he would be to couple's counseling to rebuild trust and individual counseling for him to work on his issues, but it's worth suggesting it.

Reading material to consider (for him, or both of you):

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

My best to you both.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 4:14pm
'we have all the ingredients of a good relationship,'

How is that when you have fidelity, jealousy, and lack of communication issues. He shuts you out and makes you miserable. Seriously, what is left?



'I am dealing with the first two issues in my own way'

But are you two dealing with them together? What has he done to change his ways and earn your trust? How has the jealousy faded without the two of you proactively talking about it and working through it?

Have you thought about couples' counseling?