H ignores me alwyays- leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
H ignores me alwyays- leave?
10
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 10:12am
my H ignores me always. no talking to me. no responding if i talk. keeps everything that happens in his days to himself. won't even answer questions about his work or what he thinks.

he's not a big supporter of me either. i wanted to start my own business & he said 'no' (after i spent a year working on it constantly whenever he wasn't home- which is often that he's not home).

he has a really long commute to work (3 hrs. roundtrip) & he likes to work long hours. won't leave his job eventhough they pay him less than he'd get anywhere else.

i feel like i got kind of taken for a dead-end when i got married.

he acted so differently right up until within a week of the wedding- then this started & it's been exactly the same every day for over 2 yrs.

he can't go to counseling b/c he has to work every day until after the counselors' offices are closed. he REFUSES to cut into his 14-16 hr. workdays b/c his job is so dear & so 'important' to him.

i'm lonely & dissatisfied emotionally. don't know if that's reason enough to leave a husband. he doesn't cheat (that i can find out at least- he might if he weren't working so much perhaps- his company is construction & it's 99.9% men & they're all there when i call the main phone line at 7 pm. he has to leave to go to work at 4:30 am each morning so he's asleep by about 45min-1hr. after he arrives home.)

he shares our finances (and he makes more than i do). i guess that means something.

we were seemingly a good match & 'in love' & that's why we got married -supposedly.

i don't understand what's going on. he is always cold as ice. there's no way i could see bringing a child into this. plus, now he says he doesn't want one. maybe i don't really either but it's not even a normal life for an adult.

any advice? thx! Kat

 Katrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 10:20am

So, you have a husband that wont talk, wont answer you when you talk, is never home and doesnt want to be home,doesnt support you and your dreams and wont get help to do any of these things.


You are stayng with him for what reason?You are with someone that refuses to change.Not for you- not anyone.Someone will not change what they like, and he likes his life the way it right now. He doesnt think there is a problem, or he would be in counseling right now.


To make it worse, you are making excuses for him.Just because he shares the finances with you?Are you serious?That is no excuse for the way he deprives you of just eeryday love in general.


Its like saying, "well, he doesnt hit me or anything,so i might as well stay." Stop making excuses for him al of the time, and start seeing what you deserve from someone.When you do that, what you need to do afterwards willl be very clear.


Good luck and know that everyone here supports you 110%


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 10:51am
You don't even have a marriage. What are you getting out of it? I wouldn't stay. I would leave and find someone who respected me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 12:17pm
I agree with both posters. This is no relationship, and you deserve to be happy. I think you should go talk to an attorney, figure out what you are going to do, and rethink starting your business that you have worked so hard on. You are living like you aren't even married- so why not have the freedoms of being single too? Sorry that you are going thru this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 1:28am
Thanks to everyone who posted.

i worry that everyone who tells me to leave is just saying it to help but maybe they wouldn't really do it if they were in my situation. did you leave a 50% husband & later decide a 50% husband is better than 0% (no husband)?

i guess i get stumped over the fact that he's such a 'nice' person to everyone-- especially to to everyone else.

he's like a stereotypical church-boy but he's controlling, shouts a lot & lies readily (nothing major or involving any women- so far).

it's like his best virute is that he wanted to be married & that he hasn't cheated -but everyone has said he's really just married to his job (16 hr days for 15 yrs. & won't ask for a raise even- he LOVES it). in his mind, he is cheating when he's with me his wife?! he says the other men at work never make or receive any calls from their wife during their 14-16 hr. days every day. it's not a standard mindset or situation he's been immersed in since he was a kid (his dad lived the same life- major construction was his dad's obsession. he'd even leave his wife & kids for months for a good job project).

it's hard to think it's sensible to start a divorce when he's not doing anything other than work, insist on having his way on every major decision & he just ignores me in life all times.

i guess eventually that will become even harder to deal with. maybe it'll be easier? i'm afraid of the men who are out there. i'm really conservative in lifestyle i guess. i just can't believe the sexual stuff i see men pulling in relationships on these message boards. plus, now that i live in very southern cal., i didn't meet anyone that was like me after i left NYC. this is my native home but i lived in NYC for all of college & 8 yrs. after. i don't seem to fit in with the single men here - i find some cool married women & men. i guess i'm scared to death of being alone for years. i finally was so lonely the year before i met my husband. i also don't think i could face the pain, drama & all of a divorce.

are all spouses somewhat unfair to their spouses? is life just complicated so people aren't able to have a more ideal life? i know there are some spouses that are able to give enough for it to be a standard marriage. but it seems like a very small percentage.

maybe most of us won't get lucky like that. eventhough i was always pursued & proposed to several times by boyfriends, i have a 'tart tongue' & i don't know if many men would accept that. it comes out when i feel helpless & scared.

life should be a lot easier for everyone. i'll pray on it for everyone who's also in a tough or somewhat strained situation. best, katrina

 Katrina
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 6:18am
So basically what you are saying is that you would rather stay in this situation and remained married to someone who could care less about your feelings, wants, desires than to be alone and face the unknown. I do think a lot of people *would* leave in your situation because life is too precious to waste, and the longer you stay in a bad situation, the less chances you have of finding a truly great one. You husband neglects the H-e-l-l out of you, and all he does is hold you down. Living your life in fear and not exerting your potential is *your* choice, but if you continue to make that choice, be prepared to feel alone most of the time, neglected, unhappy, unsatisfied, and hurt *forever*. Some people carry the notion that the only grounds for divorce is abuse or infidelity, but I don't agree and many others don't either. My best friend divorced her hubby (dated for 5 years, married for 3) because he neglected her as well. He never laid a hand on her, spoke down to her, or cheated (that she knows of), but he was never around, never prioritized her feelings, didn't support her career or wanting to go back to school, and would never really talk to her about meaningful things. I can understand that she felt much worse *IN* the marriage because she was in a partnership and her hubby acted like he could care less about her feelings, wants, and desires. It was a constant slap in the face for her, and one day she finally realized that she wanted to be happy and that she deserved better than the situation she was in. She also wanted to have a family and make babies, and she couldn't see herself doing that with this man or in this environment. Ultimately, she did what was best for herself and her life is much better today. Sure she was terrified and hurt (this was the only man she had ever been with), but she knew what she was getting by staying in the marriage- what did she have to lose by leaving? Of course she was scared, but she knew the only chance for happiness was to leave because she sure as heck wasn't happy in her marriage. You also ask if we were in your shoes would we actually leave? I know I would. I know what you can accomplish by staying in a bad relationship, and I know how much better life can get when you are true to yourself. It is your choice to stay in this marriage, but fully understand that your life will be drawn out for you in many ways, and that misery is going to become one of your good friends. Also, know that by staying means you have accepted the situation. That means that you can no longer complain or whine because you made the conscious decision that you would stay and accept how things are than to leave and do something different. Have you tried talking to a counselor? I think that would help you out a lot right now, and it would be not only an outlet for you, but also a way to work out a lot of your feelings. You also go on to mention how scary men are these days. Understand that you really have *no* clue because you haven't been dating anyone have you? Men are still the same as they have always been (some good some bad), and using that as an excuse to stay in your marriage is really sad. I mean look at your hubby. He's not one of the GOOD men persay (IMHO), so I am not getting where you are coming from. You have to be discerning towards all people you meet in life, not just a man. Not to mention that if you left, started up your own business, pursued new hobbies, joined new groups, etc. you would meet people that were similiar to yourself. Your fear of life is ultimately going to *ruin* your life, and that is truly sad. I hope you go talk to a counselor ASAP. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 9:03am
You sound very unhappy and you are making excuses for him based on what other people are saying. I think you know what you need to do. Leave him. Just get out and don't look back. Wouldn't you be happier while being single and having the freedom to do what you want, with whom you want, when you want etc, than being tied to this man and being miserable- which is what you are now? It will be hard in the beginning to get yourself sorted out, but I suspect you will feel its the best decision you could ever make!!

Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 2:34pm

honey i just left my husband - yes, being with 0% husband is 1000000 times better than being with what I was with. you DO NOT HAVE a 50% husband - you have NO HUSBAND and this is not a marriage.


he lies, he is controlling, he is never around, he doesn't want children. (I won't even ask about your sex life which I assume is just as bad as everything else - if there is sex at all). so no, this is not "marriage" and no this is not what all marriages are like --- just the really bad ones.


I left my husband 2 months ago and every now and then it hits me --- how in tarnation did I last even one day with that man, no, it was seven loooong years, thank God its OVER (well, almost, but we are on the way). it took a lot learning and a lot of courage to get up and say i am not happy, my son is not happy, it is not "US" it is the marriage.


goood luck to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 3:55pm
'i worry that everyone who tells me to leave is just saying it to help but maybe they wouldn't really do it if they were in my situation.'


If I were in your situation and was married to someone without actually having a true 'marriage' I would leave and wouldn't worry about the thoughts of anyone else. I would be miserable and that would be reason enough.

' i guess i'm scared to death of being alone for years.'

Aren't you more afraid of continuing to feel alone in this marriage?

'it's hard to think it's sensible to start a divorce when he's not doing anything other than work, insist on having his way on every major decision & he just ignores me in life all times.'

Add to that the fact that he lies and those are the *most* sensible reasons.

'i also don't think i could face the pain, drama & all of a divorce.'

What about the pain you are going through now?

Youre basing so much of your decision on other single men out there. Why not concentrate on *you*?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 4:09pm
Sometimes the simple answer is the best answer. He either changes or you leave. If he isn't willing to try, then you don't matter to him anyway, and it won't be a huge loss to you to walk out the door. If he is willing to try once he realizes that you actually are serious, and will NOT spend the rest of your life being treated like this and feeling like this, then I wish you good luck, and hope that you can find a way to mend your relationship with your husband. Sadly, based on your description now, he's not being a husband to you. He's being an emotionally barren and surly roommate whom you happen to be legally bound to. Put in that light, it should be a little easier for you to realize that you deserve more than he is giving right now, and if he isn't willing to at least try to give it, you need to leave while you still have a chance in this life to find someone who will.

Angela

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 7:19pm
I just wanted to say that I was in a similiar situation. Although we were together for almost 9 yrs - this type of behavior didnt start until after 6 yrs - so slightly different. I have two kids too. I stayed for years thinking how hard it would be, how unhappy I would be, how much I hated dating etc. I made excuse after excuse after excuse. Then I just left - told him a month in advance - and moved the heck out.

Know what??? I was hard - it was scary - I did get lonely. But I didnt have HIM around to ignore me or make me feel unwanted. That was well worth everything it took out of me. I did it!!!! I dated - and yeah it usually bored me but I did meet some very nice people getting out and about. I did support myself and my kids - with my sister as a roomie.

Ever situation is different. My hubby was cheating for awhile (and more than once or with one person) before i threw in the towel. You will really see how unhappy this situation was making you once you move on. It is hard, but so very worth it. Everyone deserves the chance to be happy and loved.

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.