H ignores me alwyays- leave?
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H ignores me alwyays- leave?
| Tue, 12-09-2003 - 10:12am |
my H ignores me always. no talking to me. no responding if i talk. keeps everything that happens in his days to himself. won't even answer questions about his work or what he thinks.
he's not a big supporter of me either. i wanted to start my own business & he said 'no' (after i spent a year working on it constantly whenever he wasn't home- which is often that he's not home).
he has a really long commute to work (3 hrs. roundtrip) & he likes to work long hours. won't leave his job eventhough they pay him less than he'd get anywhere else.
i feel like i got kind of taken for a dead-end when i got married.
he acted so differently right up until within a week of the wedding- then this started & it's been exactly the same every day for over 2 yrs.
he can't go to counseling b/c he has to work every day until after the counselors' offices are closed. he REFUSES to cut into his 14-16 hr. workdays b/c his job is so dear & so 'important' to him.
i'm lonely & dissatisfied emotionally. don't know if that's reason enough to leave a husband. he doesn't cheat (that i can find out at least- he might if he weren't working so much perhaps- his company is construction & it's 99.9% men & they're all there when i call the main phone line at 7 pm. he has to leave to go to work at 4:30 am each morning so he's asleep by about 45min-1hr. after he arrives home.)
he shares our finances (and he makes more than i do). i guess that means something.
he's not a big supporter of me either. i wanted to start my own business & he said 'no' (after i spent a year working on it constantly whenever he wasn't home- which is often that he's not home).
he has a really long commute to work (3 hrs. roundtrip) & he likes to work long hours. won't leave his job eventhough they pay him less than he'd get anywhere else.
i feel like i got kind of taken for a dead-end when i got married.
he acted so differently right up until within a week of the wedding- then this started & it's been exactly the same every day for over 2 yrs.
he can't go to counseling b/c he has to work every day until after the counselors' offices are closed. he REFUSES to cut into his 14-16 hr. workdays b/c his job is so dear & so 'important' to him.
i'm lonely & dissatisfied emotionally. don't know if that's reason enough to leave a husband. he doesn't cheat (that i can find out at least- he might if he weren't working so much perhaps- his company is construction & it's 99.9% men & they're all there when i call the main phone line at 7 pm. he has to leave to go to work at 4:30 am each morning so he's asleep by about 45min-1hr. after he arrives home.)
he shares our finances (and he makes more than i do). i guess that means something.
we were seemingly a good match & 'in love' & that's why we got married -supposedly.
i don't understand what's going on. he is always cold as ice. there's no way i could see bringing a child into this. plus, now he says he doesn't want one. maybe i don't really either but it's not even a normal life for an adult.
any advice? thx! Kat

Katrina
So, you have a husband that wont talk, wont answer you when you talk, is never home and doesnt want to be home,doesnt support you and your dreams and wont get help to do any of these things.
You are stayng with him for what reason?You are with someone that refuses to change.Not for you- not anyone.Someone will not change what they like, and he likes his life the way it right now. He doesnt think there is a problem, or he would be in counseling right now.
To make it worse, you are making excuses for him.Just because he shares the finances with you?Are you serious?That is no excuse for the way he deprives you of just eeryday love in general.
Its like saying, "well, he doesnt hit me or anything,so i might as well stay." Stop making excuses for him al of the time, and start seeing what you deserve from someone.When you do that, what you need to do afterwards willl be very clear.
Good luck and know that everyone here supports you 110%
i worry that everyone who tells me to leave is just saying it to help but maybe they wouldn't really do it if they were in my situation. did you leave a 50% husband & later decide a 50% husband is better than 0% (no husband)?
i guess i get stumped over the fact that he's such a 'nice' person to everyone-- especially to to everyone else.
he's like a stereotypical church-boy but he's controlling, shouts a lot & lies readily (nothing major or involving any women- so far).
it's like his best virute is that he wanted to be married & that he hasn't cheated -but everyone has said he's really just married to his job (16 hr days for 15 yrs. & won't ask for a raise even- he LOVES it). in his mind, he is cheating when he's with me his wife?! he says the other men at work never make or receive any calls from their wife during their 14-16 hr. days every day. it's not a standard mindset or situation he's been immersed in since he was a kid (his dad lived the same life- major construction was his dad's obsession. he'd even leave his wife & kids for months for a good job project).
it's hard to think it's sensible to start a divorce when he's not doing anything other than work, insist on having his way on every major decision & he just ignores me in life all times.
i guess eventually that will become even harder to deal with. maybe it'll be easier? i'm afraid of the men who are out there. i'm really conservative in lifestyle i guess. i just can't believe the sexual stuff i see men pulling in relationships on these message boards. plus, now that i live in very southern cal., i didn't meet anyone that was like me after i left NYC. this is my native home but i lived in NYC for all of college & 8 yrs. after. i don't seem to fit in with the single men here - i find some cool married women & men. i guess i'm scared to death of being alone for years. i finally was so lonely the year before i met my husband. i also don't think i could face the pain, drama & all of a divorce.
are all spouses somewhat unfair to their spouses? is life just complicated so people aren't able to have a more ideal life? i know there are some spouses that are able to give enough for it to be a standard marriage. but it seems like a very small percentage.
maybe most of us won't get lucky like that. eventhough i was always pursued & proposed to several times by boyfriends, i have a 'tart tongue' & i don't know if many men would accept that. it comes out when i feel helpless & scared.
life should be a lot easier for everyone. i'll pray on it for everyone who's also in a tough or somewhat strained situation. best, katrina
Best of luck!
honey i just left my husband - yes, being with 0% husband is 1000000 times better than being with what I was with. you DO NOT HAVE a 50% husband - you have NO HUSBAND and this is not a marriage.
he lies, he is controlling, he is never around, he doesn't want children. (I won't even ask about your sex life which I assume is just as bad as everything else - if there is sex at all). so no, this is not "marriage" and no this is not what all marriages are like --- just the really bad ones.
I left my husband 2 months ago and every now and then it hits me --- how in tarnation did I last even one day with that man, no, it was seven loooong years, thank God its OVER (well, almost, but we are on the way). it took a lot learning and a lot of courage to get up and say i am not happy, my son is not happy, it is not "US" it is the marriage.
goood luck to you
If I were in your situation and was married to someone without actually having a true 'marriage' I would leave and wouldn't worry about the thoughts of anyone else. I would be miserable and that would be reason enough.
' i guess i'm scared to death of being alone for years.'
Aren't you more afraid of continuing to feel alone in this marriage?
'it's hard to think it's sensible to start a divorce when he's not doing anything other than work, insist on having his way on every major decision & he just ignores me in life all times.'
Add to that the fact that he lies and those are the *most* sensible reasons.
'i also don't think i could face the pain, drama & all of a divorce.'
What about the pain you are going through now?
Youre basing so much of your decision on other single men out there. Why not concentrate on *you*?
Angela
Know what??? I was hard - it was scary - I did get lonely. But I didnt have HIM around to ignore me or make me feel unwanted. That was well worth everything it took out of me. I did it!!!! I dated - and yeah it usually bored me but I did meet some very nice people getting out and about. I did support myself and my kids - with my sister as a roomie.
Ever situation is different. My hubby was cheating for awhile (and more than once or with one person) before i threw in the towel. You will really see how unhappy this situation was making you once you move on. It is hard, but so very worth it. Everyone deserves the chance to be happy and loved.
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.