What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
What to do?
6
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 1:44pm
So, I have a bit of a problem right now and I'm totally confused on what to do. Recently, I got out of a relationship that had lasted basically 6 years. We had broken up a few times during those six years, and finally ended everything when I found out he had cheated on me one night during his "drunken times". However, we tried to work things out, but because of the past I couldn't let go of stuff and learn how to begin to move on. After fighting for months, we finally called everything off. A while later, I met this new guy, and we are basically together now. He just got back from being gone for a couple months, and is now staying with me. However, I can't help but feel like things are not right. This new guy treats me perfectly, would never hurt me, and deals with me being quite a bitch sometimes. However, a while ago, I begin to go through some type of "realization" about my faults, and I realized that some things that were wrong with my ex's and I's relationship were really my fault. I've learned (after losing friends to suicide and in accidents) that I need to learn to be ok, and allow myself to get over things. Right now, I'm freaking out, crying all the time, not sleeping, because deep down I think that my ex and I are meant to be together. He's was not only my bf but also my best friend. Him and I connect and click like no other person I've ever been with, and I'm afraid that us being apart is a horrible mistake. I can't help but have these feelings, and although I know there are so many reasons for me to hate him, I can't deny the way I feel. I know a few weeks back he told my best friend that he still thought that him and I were soulmates, and that breaks my heart to hear that. We are going to talk in a few days, but I have this new boyfriend here with me right now, and I don't want to hurt him. I'm so confused...if anyone can help me that would be so great.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 2:13pm
In my opinion, it isn't at all fair to your new boyfriend that you're even with him. I think you need to figure out what you want with your ex before you totally crush this new guy. You should break up with him, or at least take a break so you can figure yourself out.

If my boyfriend cheated on me there is no way in he&& that I would take him back. I believe that cheaters are animalistic and uncaring. They have no conscience and would risk your life...they don't love. and once they get away with it, they don't ever stop. Just my opinion of course, but I'd totally stick with the new guy. And I wouldn't try to maintain any kind of friendship with your ex because it probably wouldn't work out.

Good Luck to you

Sarah

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 2:51pm

It sounds as though you are going through many changes and unclear about what's going on in your romantic life. It's good that you have more self awareness and insight - but also remember, that your former boyfriend may not have changed as well. If you do not feel that this boyfriend you are currently with is the one for you, and you are longing for someone else, the best thing to do is be honest about it with the current guy, and then get yourself some help in sorting out your feelings. I would just tell the current boyfriend that you are confused right now about what youre feeling and need some time to sort things out. Sometimes we miss a relationship that has been abusive because we're used to it. Sometimes we do not feel we deserve to be with someone who is good to us. It can be complicated. Rather than jump from one guy to another, the best thing for you right now is to get clear about what's going on inside you. If you are no longer with your current boyfriend, this will give you an opportunity to explore the other relationship and see if it can really be a good, healthy one. You need to give yourself space to explore - to be yourself, to work on yourself, and then to make a decision later on when things are more settled. It wouldn't hurt to get some professional input with this, if you find yourself crying all the time. Get a good trained person and sort things ot.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 3:05pm
For starters, you need to be honest with your current boyfriend and end things. You are using him as a rebound to make yourself feel better. It's not fair to him, and you will end up hurting his feelings really bad. It's totally selfish and you need to end it.

I don't know about your ex boyfriend and if the two of you are meant to be together, but cheating on you once is one too many times. Dating is the period when we get to know someone to see if we can have a future together. Be glad he showed you his true colors and what he is capable of BEFORE marriage! If he can just go out, get drunk, and hop into bed with someone, you'd be crazy to think it couldn't happen again unless he stops drinking and figures out why he cheated and changes that flaw. Being drunk is no excuse to cheat- and if you can't handle your liquor you shouldn't be consuming it. I know 6 years is a long time to be with someone, but I get the impression the two of you had problems. Perhaps you are grieving the loss of the relationship (normal), but you need to keep focus of why it ended. You might want to try couple's counseling if he is willing, but if anything, you need to stop basing all of your decisions on your emotions. It's not fair to anyone, and especially not to you. Use your head more, and realize that emotions are forever changing and they should not be the basis of your actions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 2:07pm
Thank you for the response. However, I must say that I disagree on a few points. First off, I am not using the new boyfriend as a rebound. He knew full well from the beginning my situation, and even though maybe deep down I knew it wasn't the right time to be with him, he wanted to be together. I've been completely truthful about everything with him, and he knows EXACTLY what is going on. I'm not holding on to him, instead, he's more of holding on to me. There have been many times, especially like right now, where I have said I need time to figure things out, I don't want you to get hurt, etc. However, it is completely his decision to be here, and I'm being completely 100 percent honest with him. Also, I don't think it is fair of anyone to say..."well if my bf cheated on me I would never put up with it, or I would do this, or that"...that's a bunch of crap. I used to say that too, and until you are put in that position you have no idea what you will do. Yes, I have values and morals and beliefs, and I always told myself that I would never let any guy mess with me, but until you are put in that exact sitution you can't truly say what you would do. Tons of my friends have been there too, and they are just as strong as I am, but somehow couldn't just easily walk away. I know it is easy to think...well I would never let a guy do that to me...but trust me it's a lot harder when the situation actually arises. Thank you for what you had to say, I'm not trying to be mean, just some clarification. If you, or anyone else, has any further advice I would greatly appreciate it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 2:27pm
Okay, you're right, it's not fair to say what I would do if my man cheated on me if it didn't happen. But it did, so therefore I wanted to share with you my opinion on cheaters. Not that I'm a Nazi, but that's the only idea of Hitler's that I agree with. Cheating is animalistic. It's sick that they can't control themselves sexually, and I think its kind of gross.

I still maintain the attitude that you should split with the new guy until you get things sorted out in your head. I disagree that you're "using" him as a rebound. I don't think you are at all. But I do think that the most fair thing to do is to cool it with him for a while before it gets too far and you decide to be with the cheater after all. You might break the new guys heart even worse than if you call it off now.

I feel bad for you. i know how confusing it is to be cheated on. I've been there, I've lived through all of the anger, sadness and mental pictures. It's a hard hard hard thing to get over. And I bet it would take a long time for you to trust your ex again. I guess it's up to you if you want to put up with worrying, wondering all the time. I wish you wouldn't though, because life is too short. This new guy sounds awesome.

Good Luck

Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:36am
For starters, just because this guy is attached to you, doesn't make you any more right or less selfish for staying in this relationship with you. He obviously has his own issues, but if you cared about his feelings, you wouldn't give him the choice of being with you because you are too confused to be in a relationship at this point. He is just holding onto hope that you will forget about the ex and fall deeply in love with him. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Would you rather him be a man, and tell you that he couldn't be in relationship with you because he didn't know what he wanted, or would you want him to string you along and ALLOW you to be there because you wanted to?

Second of all, you need to remember that a lot of people HAVE been cheated on. I have been cheated on by two different people, and the only mistake I made BOTH times was that I gave them the benefit of the doubt and stayed with them. I know first hand why you shouldn't stay with someone who will cheat on you, and especially someone who will blame it on alcohol. "I was wasted and it just happened." PULEASE! So yes, I can honestly say that I would never remain with someone if they cheated, no matter how much I loved them. The only exception to this *might* be if we were married, but even then, he would have to completely change for me to stay. He would have to be in therapy, and if drinking is what led him to this, there would be no more drinking on his part. I don't even know that I would ever be able to trust him again no matter what he did. There are some things in life that you might have to go through yourself to believe, and this might be one of them. I think it's a horrible mistake to go back there, and I wish I had listened to those who told me not to go back, but I didn't and I broke my heart 20 times more than it had been just by the betrayel. I'm not saying that everyone who cheats will do it again, but from reviewing the details of your post, it's sounds HIGHLY LIKELY that it could happen again! How could you ever trust him if he can just go get drunk and cheat on you?

What you really need is to take some time ALONE. Go be by YOURSELF. You won't ever come to a healthy conclusion unless you take yourself out of the situation and truly be able to see it from another view point. You really sound too scared of not having a man in your life, and that's not healthy.