When do you decide its over

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
When do you decide its over
8
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 1:50pm
I have been in a relationship for 7 years, no marriage. Lived together for 3 years. Things have been bad the last year or so, ie: fighting, not much sex, and general questioning of whether this should continue to marraige.

My thoughts go both ways:

A. We've been through a lot together, and truly love each other. Have two pets together, and a respect for each others work. Should we keep trying?

B. If we're having this many problems now, why go on? I find myslef feeling like I already live along, as they aren't home much. Am I clinging to the thoughts of the early relationship? Also, I find that the little things are really getting on my nerves, like him not cleaning around the house, etc.

Any suggestions? This is very painful. Im a 33 years old female, and feel like Im kind of wasting my time if marraige isn't going to happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 2:09pm
I think that it is a waste of time at age 33 if there is no discussion of marriage. They say that the seventh year is a particularly difficult year in relationships...mind you, that's just stats talking. I can't remember where I read it.

Your happiness and the happiness of your partner must come first.

Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 3:11pm
It does sound as though you are wasting your life. Why stay in a relationship that is filled with problems and no true committment? Staying in your comfort zone will only hinder your happiness, and it's up to you to be true to yourself. You are 33 years old, and have spent the last 7 years in a dead end relationship. It's your call whether you will waste any more years. Make a list of pros and cons (which you sort of did in your post), and you will see that the negatives outweigh the positives. You say that both of you truly love each other- well love is not everything, and it sure doesn't mean you are meant for each other. I have loved men before that I just couldn't be with, and love doesn't make a happy relationship. It's good that both of you have respect towards the other's career, but how important is that when there are so many other problems? If your pets are keeping you there, try and find a compromise. I don't see anything positive with you remaining in this relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 3:20pm
Thanks for your responses...The fact that I agree with you is speaking pretty loudly.

The words "comfort zone" are what hit me as well. Ive been coasting in a zone, afraid to rock the boat. But maybe what I need is some rocking myself, if that makes any sense. Its just scary when you have a routine and you have to break it, not that thats worth staying in a relationship for...

And when I really really think about it, if I did get a proposal, Im not even sure that thats what I truly want.

Im just not even sure how to end things. It seems like whenever we have a serious talk, I cave in and dont speak up enough. Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 3:34pm
Just figure out what you need to do and leave. If you can't handle confronting him and all the issues without caving, don't do it until you are strong enough. I am sure he feels the same way you do deep down, afterall, he knows the relationship isn't a bed of roses. Neither one of you have been willing to rock the boat and do something productive for yourselves, so it might surprise him the most that you got the courage to do it. I am sure your feelings won't be the biggest surprise. Do you have anyone around you that can support you? You really need someone else to catch you when you fall right now, and to give you strength to do what is necessary. However, even if you don't have that, it's still very possible to do it on your own. Can you go stay somewhere else until you can find another place? Or is it an option to have him leave and you get to keep the residence? If you can't confront him face-2-face without breaking down or running away, write him a letter. Tell him you can't do this dead end relationship anymore and you are going to leave so you can better your life and be true to yourself. You can always post on this board and others for moral support and encouragement. You should be really happy that you want to change your life into something more positive. You can leave without getting into a long, drawn out explanation of why, like I said, he already knows. Once you are away, if you feel like explaining, you can do so, but he doesn't have to get closure from you- that is something that we get from *ourselves*.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 3:57pm
Thanks for your advice...we live in a condo that I own. So he would move out. I do have a lot of single friends, and another thing thats always bothered me is that he has not made much effort to get to know many of my friends in the 7 years. I almost feel like I lead a seperate life sometimes now, like we are roomates in a way.

I know that it will probably end soon, but its even harder over the holidays...I own our dog, he owns our cat. So we would probably divide in half...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 4:38pm
I know that a lot of people have LONG courtships before marriage, and while it sometimes works I find myself asking one very pointed question about your situation. If you've both been "discussing" marriage and have lived together for over three years now, doesn't it seem that it maybe should have already naturally progressed to that point well before now? If the relationship was one bound towards marriage, I truly believe you would have both known about it before this point, and would have taken at least some steps towards that end--even if by just agreeing that marriage was the ultimate goal, though you didn't want to set a date yet. The fact that you've drifted along now for 7 years, 3 of which you've lived under the same roof even, and still haven't nailed down your intentions, seems to suggest that maybe there are some underlying reasons why you're still "dating" a boyfriend and not "engaged" to a fiance.

With that in mind, I suggest that you do what any couple, married or not, should do when such a serious question is on one (or most likely both) partners mind. Talk to each other. Honestly, kindly, and with your eyes wide open. Keep in mind that a wedding ring will not fix damage done, nor will it mend that which is already broken. If you're staying together, and truly love each other, then there needs to be no questions about your intentions. If not, then do the kindest thing you can for each other, and tell no lies, even ones of omission by not saying that you aren't happy anymore.

If you want to continue this relationship, it sounds like in order to be happy you need to decide now (together) if marriage is going to happen or not , OR set a reasonable date by which you will have made that decision. Either way, use every means possible to counsel yourselves and each other--I would STRONGLY suggest that you try couple's counseling to help you open a dialog about what your next step should be. With some of the issues that you're describing, professional counseling assistance may be helpful anyway. Good luck to, and I hope that you can find a way to be happy with whatever decision you make--Angela

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:05am
Wait until after the holidays if you aren't strong enough to do it yet, but don't let your weakness become an excuse for you to stay in this for 7 more years. I supposed you could get the head and he could get the tail, but you will be okay without the cat in your life. I have had many cats, loved all of them, and have survived losing them at different points in my life. I think you should tell him January 1 that he has until February one to get out. That is plenty of time to find another apartment, or a temporary place to stay. Why don't you make your New Year's resolution, and promise yourself that you will rediscover who you are and trying to make yourself happy in 2004?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:47pm

You've given a lot of years to this man, but you're still quite young. No reason to waste anymore time now. If you are unhappy in this situation, and there are so many problems, why would you want to make it permanent? Why would you settle for this kind of situation, just because it's gone on for awhile? There are two alternatives here - either you go to couples therapy together and work out the problems between you - see if you can make this relationship healthy and fulfilling, or if that is not possible, you can make another choice - to leave and give yourself the chance to find a relationship that would be supportive, happy, and healthy for you. Certainly, if you want marriage, there's no reason to stay in a situation that isn't really marriage material, unless both are eager to work on it and make it what it needs to be to lead to marriage. If you don't both have the same goals for the relationship and for your life, then move on and find someone you can share you dreams with.


Best wishes.