When do you decide its over
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When do you decide its over
| Tue, 12-09-2003 - 1:50pm |
I have been in a relationship for 7 years, no marriage. Lived together for 3 years. Things have been bad the last year or so, ie: fighting, not much sex, and general questioning of whether this should continue to marraige.
My thoughts go both ways:
A. We've been through a lot together, and truly love each other. Have two pets together, and a respect for each others work. Should we keep trying?
B. If we're having this many problems now, why go on? I find myslef feeling like I already live along, as they aren't home much. Am I clinging to the thoughts of the early relationship? Also, I find that the little things are really getting on my nerves, like him not cleaning around the house, etc.
Any suggestions? This is very painful. Im a 33 years old female, and feel like Im kind of wasting my time if marraige isn't going to happen.

Your happiness and the happiness of your partner must come first.
Sarah
The words "comfort zone" are what hit me as well. Ive been coasting in a zone, afraid to rock the boat. But maybe what I need is some rocking myself, if that makes any sense. Its just scary when you have a routine and you have to break it, not that thats worth staying in a relationship for...
And when I really really think about it, if I did get a proposal, Im not even sure that thats what I truly want.
Im just not even sure how to end things. It seems like whenever we have a serious talk, I cave in and dont speak up enough. Any suggestions?
I know that it will probably end soon, but its even harder over the holidays...I own our dog, he owns our cat. So we would probably divide in half...
With that in mind, I suggest that you do what any couple, married or not, should do when such a serious question is on one (or most likely both) partners mind. Talk to each other. Honestly, kindly, and with your eyes wide open. Keep in mind that a wedding ring will not fix damage done, nor will it mend that which is already broken. If you're staying together, and truly love each other, then there needs to be no questions about your intentions. If not, then do the kindest thing you can for each other, and tell no lies, even ones of omission by not saying that you aren't happy anymore.
If you want to continue this relationship, it sounds like in order to be happy you need to decide now (together) if marriage is going to happen or not , OR set a reasonable date by which you will have made that decision. Either way, use every means possible to counsel yourselves and each other--I would STRONGLY suggest that you try couple's counseling to help you open a dialog about what your next step should be. With some of the issues that you're describing, professional counseling assistance may be helpful anyway. Good luck to, and I hope that you can find a way to be happy with whatever decision you make--Angela
You've given a lot of years to this man, but you're still quite young. No reason to waste anymore time now. If you are unhappy in this situation, and there are so many problems, why would you want to make it permanent? Why would you settle for this kind of situation, just because it's gone on for awhile? There are two alternatives here - either you go to couples therapy together and work out the problems between you - see if you can make this relationship healthy and fulfilling, or if that is not possible, you can make another choice - to leave and give yourself the chance to find a relationship that would be supportive, happy, and healthy for you. Certainly, if you want marriage, there's no reason to stay in a situation that isn't really marriage material, unless both are eager to work on it and make it what it needs to be to lead to marriage. If you don't both have the same goals for the relationship and for your life, then move on and find someone you can share you dreams with.
Best wishes.
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