Jealousy issue
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| Tue, 12-09-2003 - 2:23pm |
I wanted to seek for some advice. I would appreciate any input you can give me and will take criticisms as well.
I think I'm suffering from a major jealousy issue. My boyfriend and I have been together 15 months. Around July, I found out that his best friend's younger sister has had a crush on him and told him that she was interested in having a relationship with him. At the time, we had not been officially together (we broke up once) and I believe that is why she felt it was safe to ask him then. She is a very nice girl, though I've never met her, so I don't think she would've asked him if she knew that I still existed.
He turned her down because he was so swamped with work and school and could not afford any time for her, plus he had always regarded her as his friend's kid sister. Since then, we have worked things out and our relationship is good... it's just that ever since that happened, I overreact at the mention of that girl's name and anything that has to do with her.
For example, my boyfriend wears a necklace made out of something he got from her as a Christmas gift 5 years ago. I had no problem with this before, but now it bothers me. Of course I would never tell him to take it off or not wear it, as that would be controlling and I don't want him to think less of me for feeling this way about such a petty matter.
Also, I feel that he has lied to me on couple occassions. I've asked him to ask the girl if she wanted to join us for a movie. I know for a fact that he never did ask her, yet he says he did and she didn't want to join us. Last night I asked him if he had been invited to her family's annual Christmas party and he said no, although I saw the email invititation personally from her (he had the email open when he sat next to me and I quickly skimmed it, although I shouldn't have... that's what I get for snooping, I suppose).
I'm just wondering if I should talk to him about this or just suck it up and let it go, because I'm being silly. I just don't like the feeling of being lied to, even if he does it sometimes because he thinks he is protecting my feelings. For example, he once went and saw a movie with his friend that we were supposed to see together. He went with me again the next week and saw the same movie, and when I asked him if he had seen it already, he said no and I believed him. I found out later and told him that he doesn't need to lie to me about those things because I won't be upset.
He is a nice gentleman who treats me like gold, but when little things like this resurface, they just tear me up inside and I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for your time.

From what you descrbe, he has done nothing at all for you to feel jealous about. As you say, the few very tiny lies about whether or not he's had contact with that family seems clearly to have been made to save your feelings. It seems very doubtful that he has anything at all going with her. The basis of all good relationships is trust, and a feeling of self worth and confidence that your mate will not cheat on you. If you are having so much anxiety about this girl, it may be reflective of your own feelings of lack of sufficient confidence in yourself and your self esteem. If you fear losing him so easily, something is amiss here, inside of you. It doesn't seem as if the right thing would be to discuss it with him, (as he is not involved in doing anything wrong really to contribute to this situation), and bringing it up will only create tension unnecessarily. However, the feelings do need to be worked through. I suggest you have a few sessions with a professional counsellor or therapist to work this through on your own. Sometimes we need a little help in sorting through the emotions that come up in intimate relationships. It's best to do that with a trained person, rather than put it out in the relationship and turn your partner into a therapist (which they cannot be).
Take good care and enjoy your fine relationship.
Best wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Thank you for your honest advice. You've said what I needed to hear, that HE is not the problem, but rather, ME.
I'm currently a student and though I work full time, my budget is a bit tight and I have no medical insurance. I was wondering if there are any books that you would recommend as an alternative to visiting a therapist.
Thanks again.
Also, since the girl would like a relationship with him, meaning she wants to be more than friends, I don't think it would be a good idea to invite her out even with the two of you, because it will feed her false hope that *someday* she might have a chance.
Reading material to consider:
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel
Carrie
Thank you for your reply.
>> Also, since the girl would like a relationship with him, meaning she wants to be more than friends, I don't think it would be a good idea to invite her out even with the two of you, because it will feed her false hope that *someday* she might have a chance.
Actually this was before I found out she had feelings for him... had I known, I probably wouldn't have asked for such a thing.
For weeks and weeks, she invited him out to dinner & movies, none of them which he could attend because their schedules never matched... I know nothing will happen, but it still makes me feel uneasy.
I will go ahead and check out the reading suggestions you made. Thank you again.