Need some help with my relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Need some help with my relationship.
2
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 4:22pm
I feel like I need some help or guidance.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. This is my longest and definitely most serious relationship. I find I'm always wondering," Is it normal to feel this way?" when things come up that I haven't experienced before. This drives me nuts!

For instance, I am on some anti-anxiety medicine that has zapped my libido. This is having a rough impact on our sex life and I always wonder," Is there something wrong with me?"

Also, I have been under a great deal of work-related stress lately and am finding it hard to leave that stress at the office. Instead, I come home and pick our relationship apart, forgetting that the stress I'm experience is tied to work, NOT home. And then I think to myself," Is it normal to have these kinds of worries?"

I have a hard time not knowing what to expect out of a relationship that has been going on for this long.

I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. He is truly my very best friend, I just adore him. But there are times that I worry our relationship is waning, sometimes because our intimacy is lost.

What's the best remedy for this? I was thinking a romantic weekend away might be nice. Maybe a cozy little cabin up in the woods to rekindle some flames.

Would you say it's normal for a long term relationship like ours to kind of steady out and not be so terribly exciting and passionate anymore? I feel we've sort of stalled and maybe it's going to take more work from here on out to keep the intimacy up. Am I right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 4:31pm
I think it is normal for some of the passion to dissipate but that isn't the only issue here.

You have specifically said that you have stress at work that you bring home and that you feel that your medication is hurting your libido. Can you change your anti-anxiety meds? Talk to your Dr. about it. Also are your meds coupled with therapy; a chance to work through all of your worries?

'I feel we've sort of stalled and maybe it's going to take more work from here on out to keep the intimacy up. Am I right?'


Talk to your boyfriend about all of this. What are your worries in the relationship? Share them with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 6:45pm
Passion can't stay intense for the rest of your life. It is normal for the relationship to become more comfortable with occasional bouts of passion. Worrying about your relationship all the time will not help. Try incorporating stress-relieving activities into your daily life so you're not carrying your work-related stress into your relationship. However, it sounds to me that you are insecure in yourself. Maybe if you work on building your self confidence, you wouldn't worry about your relationship all the time. And yes, you will need to work on incorporating intimacy into your relationship. Switch off the tv more and listen to music, play cards, go for walks - anything which will allow the opportunity for talking and affection. And don't forget laughter and play, always great for intimacy!

My main concern is that you pick apart your relationship when you get home. Are you sure this is because of your work and not because you have underlying issues with him? I ask because when I went through a period like that, it was very distressing as I didn't know why I was being so mean. It took some serious self analysis (and a visit to a counsellor, actually) to realise that the real cause was built up resentment of the role I was forced to play in our relationship. He wanted to reenact his parents 1960s roles while I was expecting us to play equal liberated roles. I guess I'm saying that sometimes love isn't enough, you have to share the same values and outlook on life. Maybe you should do some serious evaluation of your relationship. If at the end of it, you are convinced that it is a good one for both of you, then stop worrying and enjoy!