I don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
I don't know what to do
4
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 4:22pm
I don't know what to do anymore....I have been dating a guy for 2 1/2 years, and we had a baby 6 weeks ago. The problem is that he lives with another woman....a woman he claims he has no feelings for. I say he "claims" because he trows her out and then lets her come back all the time. The most recent time (last week), she left on her own, and three days later she came back and told him she made a mistake and she moved back in. He keeps telling me that he loves me and wants us to be together, but he needs to end things with her carefully so that neither my baby or myself gets hurt. If that was true, why would he keep letting her come back??? I love this man more than anything, and I want my son to have a father. But am I causing my child more pain by having his father in his life, than I would be if he was gone? Many people know about our relationship and our child, but obviously she does not. Which means as my baby gets older, he will not have the option to call dad or go stay with dad.......unless things change. What do I do? And if I walk away, how do I stay strong and not die inside? Especially since my son is an exact clone of his father. Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 5:12pm
How much you wanna bet she doesn't know about you or the baby?

I say if he wanted to be with you then he would be with you. I think he's stinging you along.

::but he needs to end things with her carefully so that neither my baby or myself gets hurt

If he's not married to her, then you should have nothing to fear from her.

I say, go to an attorney, establish paternity and file for child support. Next time the says he loves you BUT, or wants to be with you BUT - tell him BUT negates everything in front of the word and to put his money where is mouth is.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 5:34pm
Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.

This is an impossible situation you are in, and I really feel for you, but for you and your son to be happy you really need things to change and FAST.

Is your partner married to this woman? Even so, I fail to see how him "not telling her carefully" will affect you or the baby...it is more likely to affect her and your partner.

Most of us do want our kids to have a dad, but is a dad who can only give him 50% or less of his time and attention really worth the heartache for you?

Be strong, you need a lot of support from friends and family while you make your decisions, don't let this man or his double life ruin the rest of yours

All the best xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 6:16pm
It is hard to make life changing decisions when you have a new baby and are so emotionally vulnerable. Unfortunately, it is time to do so. It is clear that he has the best of both worlds and so has no motivation to change his situation. He already has a girlfriend that he lives with - and you to fall back on when things aren't going well. It is hard to imagine how you can make a happy life with a man who is able to manipulate you like this. You need to make a decision to do what's right for you and tell him firmly that your 'relationship' is OVER. He will no doubt come back with promises of change, excuses galore, declarations of love but in the end, he is still the same man who has strung you along for years while he pursued another relationship. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT. On the other hand, just because he's a lousy partner doesn't mean he will be a lousy father. Set some boundaries so he can be a father to your child while allowing you the distance you need to heal and move on. Maybe you can arrange for him to see your child at your parents' initially.

It will be hard to be strong when you're feeling so emotional and fragile. Maybe you can arrange to have a friend or parent with you when you see him, to help you be strong. Find someone you can lean on for support. Be kind to yourself and realise that you're going to come out of this a stronger person and better mother. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 6:23pm
Get a paternity test, court ordered support and visitation and lose the delusion that he loves you, respects you, or wants to raise that child. He doesn't.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com