just married and it might be over...help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
just married and it might be over...help
8
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 7:18pm
I just got married this past October to a man that I had been dating on and off (more on than off) for the past 13 years. The first time we broke up was because he cheated on me. Well, today I found out that it had happened again. He claims the relationship was over 2 years ago, but the woman just contacted him via email 2 weeks ago to wish him a happy birthday. At that point, instead of telling her he was married, he had apparently told her he was living out of his car. To this she responded that she was concerned about him and wanted him to come live with her and that she was "Sorry but I will always worry about you and want the best for you (even though I still think I'm the best for you!)." When I confronted him, he said that he was wrong not to tell me about the affair and wrong not to tell her he was married. It was only after an hour or so that he said that it was wrong of him to have the affair in the first place. Here's my question - we've been married less than 2 months, should I give him another chance, or would that make me an even bigger idiot. I'm so confused and I really don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends or family about this, so if anyone can offer any help it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 7:52pm
I think you need to leave ASAP. How many more times does he have to show you who he is?
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 8:13pm

I don't usually advocate just running away from a marriage, but I'd be hard pressed to tell you to seek counseling with this man. He has a serious problem with fidelity, integrity, honesty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 8:19pm
I am sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine ever being able to regain his trust.

On again off again relationships rarely work out unless there is positive change. It sounds like he hasn't changed in many years and isn't likely to since it is difficult for him to admit he has a problem.

Good luck. Please talk to friends and family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 8:54am

I am assuming that this affair didn't happen while you were in an "off again" phase of your relationship?


Regardless, not telling this woman he was married and this BS about him living out of a car is just crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 11:44am
I definitely think that you should tell you husband that you are having issues with him as far as trust because of this indiscretion and the fact that he hid it from you. I am also confused as to why he would tell her that he was living out of his car? That is really bizarre.

Question: do you think that your marriage can survive this episode? Meaning that do you think that you can get pass this or will you always think about this and what else he is hiding from you?

I would definitely consider getting some couple's counseling on relationships and marriage. Explain to your husband that for your relationship to survive - you feel that this counseling is necessary. Bottom line is that I would definitely work on the relationship before I walk away from it.

Good luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 2:12pm
Seems no matter how well you think you know someone, how long you've know them, they can still surprise you and you learn something new....I think living together OR getting married has a way of bringing issues to a head - issues that were perviously thought to be worked out or resolved.

You already knew he cheated. Once is too much in my opinion. Only you can decide if you want to remain married and/or if you feel deeply that the issue can now be addressed. HOWEVER, besides cheating and lying to both you and her, he's also making up stories about living in his car, to what end, I'm not sure, maybe her sympathy, yet even WORSE than that from your post I gather that he doesn't even think he's done anything wrong. He thinks his behavior is ok, appropriate and that there is nothing to be upset about. That's scary. Does he have a conscious?

If you want it to figure it out, insist on counseling. If not, walk away, but know it's not you, it's him.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 2:38pm
I am normally not an advocate of dissolving a marriage unless it is absolutely unavoidable, but I have to agree with a lot of the other people here on this one. If after 13 years (on or off NOT withstanding) he is still unable to completely honest and faithful just 2 months into this marriage, then he is NOT someone you need to be in a marriage with at all. Better to discover this now than a couple years, or worse yet a couple of children, down the road. If you think this behavior is painful for you as his new wife, imagine what it would be like to have a father who behaves this way. I'm not sure about the laws where you are, but with the marriage being only 2 months old, annulment is definitely something I would look into if AT ALL possible--it's faster and legally easier than divorce, and you need to be able to move on as quickly as possible and not be tied up in a messy legal situation if you can avoid it.

And by the way, you are NOT an idiot. He's the idiot, for having someone who loves him dearly and has forgiven his bad behavior in the past, and not being smart enough to follow her faithfully to the ends of the earth yelling about it to anyone who will listen.

Angela

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 2:27am
For the most part I agree with all of the posts here. Admittedly, I haven't decided to leave, but I haven't fully decided to stay either. He claims the affair ended 2 years ago, but that she emails him from time to time. I don't believe him, but I really want to. He suggested counseling and said that he will do whatever it takes to save our marriage. Maybe I'm just naive, but part of me believes him. Also, my parents spilt up a few years ago due to infidelity after 25 years of marriage and I was so angry that they didn't even bother to try to make it work. I'm just not sure I'm ready to walk away without making some sort of effort. Either way, I truly appreciate all of the support that you guys have given me. Its really nice to know there are people who care out there.