just married and it might be over...help
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just married and it might be over...help
| Tue, 12-09-2003 - 7:18pm |
I just got married this past October to a man that I had been dating on and off (more on than off) for the past 13 years. The first time we broke up was because he cheated on me. Well, today I found out that it had happened again. He claims the relationship was over 2 years ago, but the woman just contacted him via email 2 weeks ago to wish him a happy birthday. At that point, instead of telling her he was married, he had apparently told her he was living out of his car. To this she responded that she was concerned about him and wanted him to come live with her and that she was "Sorry but I will always worry about you and want the best for you (even though I still think I'm the best for you!)." When I confronted him, he said that he was wrong not to tell me about the affair and wrong not to tell her he was married. It was only after an hour or so that he said that it was wrong of him to have the affair in the first place. Here's my question - we've been married less than 2 months, should I give him another chance, or would that make me an even bigger idiot. I'm so confused and I really don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends or family about this, so if anyone can offer any help it would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

I don't usually advocate just running away from a marriage, but I'd be hard pressed to tell you to seek counseling with this man. He has a serious problem with fidelity, integrity, honesty.
On again off again relationships rarely work out unless there is positive change. It sounds like he hasn't changed in many years and isn't likely to since it is difficult for him to admit he has a problem.
Good luck. Please talk to friends and family.
I am assuming that this affair didn't happen while you were in an "off again" phase of your relationship?
Regardless, not telling this woman he was married and this BS about him living out of a car is just crazy.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
Question: do you think that your marriage can survive this episode? Meaning that do you think that you can get pass this or will you always think about this and what else he is hiding from you?
I would definitely consider getting some couple's counseling on relationships and marriage. Explain to your husband that for your relationship to survive - you feel that this counseling is necessary. Bottom line is that I would definitely work on the relationship before I walk away from it.
Good luck...
You already knew he cheated. Once is too much in my opinion. Only you can decide if you want to remain married and/or if you feel deeply that the issue can now be addressed. HOWEVER, besides cheating and lying to both you and her, he's also making up stories about living in his car, to what end, I'm not sure, maybe her sympathy, yet even WORSE than that from your post I gather that he doesn't even think he's done anything wrong. He thinks his behavior is ok, appropriate and that there is nothing to be upset about. That's scary. Does he have a conscious?
If you want it to figure it out, insist on counseling. If not, walk away, but know it's not you, it's him.
Carrie
And by the way, you are NOT an idiot. He's the idiot, for having someone who loves him dearly and has forgiven his bad behavior in the past, and not being smart enough to follow her faithfully to the ends of the earth yelling about it to anyone who will listen.
Angela